Two-in-one

Today i took a self day. Those days where its just about me, really. As always, when life wasn't busy they were more common. Now with 2 jobs it's more difficult, even when I try to plan for them. So today i did small things like fix the fence, buy the girls a bigger bed so they can all take doggie naps on them, went to salvation army, had a pineapple slushie (+ tapioca), and took a book to the park to read a bit.
It's not the most complex or longest book, but I have been wanting to read it for awhile since the author is from the RGV. I recognize many of the places mentioned. What I'm not certain about is the language used. It's difficult (or seems to be) to make the language authentic; i'm guessing not as accessible and less sales. There was an opportunity to meet the author but i failed to go. I forgot what i was doing or if i was feeling anti-social. I thought i was doing something, but who knows. It would have been a good opportunity.

I am slow reader and I only read for an hour, so I made it to chapter 7. I will attempt to finish the book before the weekend is over. It was peaceful at the park in the sense that there were happy noises all around. right now i'm only getting silence, so i didn't want to stay in to dark of a mood. I'm not making too many notes while reading, but occasionally I'll mark a local landmark I'm familiar with or I will analyze which words are placed in spanish or would be considered "pocho" language.

I also want to review a picture I found one evening while I was jogging.I enjoy taking pictures as much as I do finding random ones. I found this photo:

I'm sure the date is wrong one way or another. It's cute. Two girls (sisters?) with similar sweaters and the youngest child posing behind a nicely decorated christmas tree and plenty of presents. They look happy is probably the main reason I enjoy this photo. I think of family. I have family but I keep my distance at times for no reason at all. I'm working on resolutions, which I haven't tried before, but this is the year I need to focus and get myself straight. Maybe in the end, a similar picture with me in it will be found somewhere.

Dissappointed

in myself for last night. Drank too much and said bad things. Now I feel ashamed. Instead of being creative, I became destructive. I don't like myself in that form. Worse is how it makes me feel the next day. Much worse is the person I hurt.
What does this mean? drink-fast. learn to appreciate loved ones. don't bottle up. speak respectfully. love. care for others. be productive.
These moments have a way of bringing out the worst in me. I think I'm usually a good person, but last night i was a horrible person. the guilt is bad today.

cuando estoy borracho
se me sale el indio
de mi papa
el corajudo
que siempre estaba
en mal humor
y golpeaba
mi madre

debes de decir
cariños
me decia

¿quieres que te arregle?

tengo susto
que diran

¿recuerdas papa?

i-gua-li-to.

Sometimes

you think everything is right, but it's not. I'm getting one of those feelings. But no way to know until what is not right happens.

In the meanwhile I am working in a manuscript to submit to a comrade. The strange part about the writing world (as is everything else) is the competitiveness. We all know that we are working against one another although belonging to an art which benefits from assisting each other.

I don't believe "we" (that means this is a disclaimer) focus on creating small groups and helping those people out. We don't help out as many as we can.

I feel as if i'm saying everything with twice the words i need to use.

Let me be precise:

To survive it feels as if we

1. need to be selfish
2. network for the purpose of benefit
3. are pressured by time
4. never know what is going on around us

The last reason wasn't that good but somewhat close. Time to help a friend with some editing.  I hope to organize my home office this week while i am off of work. I hope to be productive.

*adios*

Time for Another Entry

No point in catching up on what has happened the past two months. I'll just skip to this moment as I watch La verdadera historia de la llorona (2007). I bought it at la pulga this Thanksgiving Thursday in my attempt to watch more "culturally relevant films". But usually when i pick these films they are modern takes of classic stories. I enjoy watching random Mexican films in particular because of their small budgets. It adds some humbleness and lets me place more emphasis on the acting and directing. American films with larger budgets (i.e Captain America: The First Avenger) are sometimes lacking.
This movie isn't historical, but it's a good story. A married businessman has an affair with his secretary who then becomes pregnant. All the meanwhile, the secretary sleepwalks and calls out "mis hijos".
The real story is the affair, which goes back to the belief that stories carry a moral story. The truth is sometimes i watch these films without worrying about the moral or the exploitation of women and minorities. I tell myself that I learn from watching these films because I understand more of how they are exploited. Other times I think i enjoy it [the general word of all].
Could a psychiatrist explain what I am feeling? Would it matter if they told me since I'm not sure I would believe their analysis. [oh oh, the wife just found out the secretary is pregnant]
Betrayal is harsh.  Somehow this movie is turning out good even though it has little to do about la llorona, unless it considers itself an origin story. I am scared easily by horror films. I wouldn't consider this movie a horror film, but I'm not turning off the lights either. lol

*back to the movie*

Catching Up

is difficult when I have too much. Full-time work at the university & teaching three courses at another, and besides that trying to maintain a stable home life. [oh yeah, i forgot i was participating in an weekly creative writing workshop] A mentor told me in passing "Be Carefull" and she was right once again. I feel tired, behind in both my jobs, and unhappy with home.

Somehow I get small pleasures in: music, photography, friends. This is a photograph I took this photo last week. I like taking  pictures. It's relaxing. It's also a positive challenge.

Anyways, still plenty to do. Right now i should be working and organizing. but i needed a break. I hope someone is reading this. if you are, i apologize for the randonmess, lack of benefit from reading this blog. But, as a "treat" I will include my revision of my "chicano" poem.

I know of changes i want to make, including: having different spellings for "chicanos" as well as adding lines, such as "even chicanos/go to jail".

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

even chicanos

get asco
at a prieto
complexion
and light siblings

even chicanos

visit pocho-
land-
and don’t come back

even chicanos

hide behind
jesus, maiden
names, and peacocks
even chicanos

chug budweiser
screaming mother
¿por qué no me visitas?

even chicanos

marry mexicanas
own two kids
and live complacently
ever after

seriously...

how did close to a month pass by? I suppose once the school year started i became busy with teaching/advising. I'm already feeling tired. I have to find my motivation/energy by completing small tasks at home and giving myself "treats" every so often. I'm improving with my teaching in the sense that class is becoming hands-on rather than all lecture.
I did have a minor vacation by going to the Austin City Limits Music Festival, of which you can see photos at Random Photos Here.
It was fun, although I was sick the first day. that bit. but i don't have so much time to think of that. now i have to think about surviving until Dec. 15th. Sept. Oct. Nov. Dec. = 3 Months.
Next week I will be presenting some of my poetry at a conference. damn, i need to get that together.
I am also participating in a community workshop. have to get that together also.

Also, the past few years I have forgotten what today is about, Sept. 21st. We each have our moments for mourning and today is the closest I have. On Sept. 21, 1989 an accident caused a school bus of jr high and high school students to fall into a deep caliche pit. At that moment and a few days later, 21 kids passed away. This happened in my community, about a mile from where I live. My family did not lose any blood relatives that day, but my older brother and sisters knew people who died. I remember being 10, in elementary school, and hearing the news. I cried. I can't remember crying anywhere else as a kid, but in that moment. At home, my father seemed to feel a helpless anger; the type from poverty. I feel ashamed when I forget today. The memory of those kids deserves better.

10 Days

But it feels so much longer. Another vent session? No, I'll take care of that on my own, although I am venting about myself.

Within the past week I have noticed a decline in my drive, or as we like to say in ESpanish, "flojera". I have had a lot of "flojera" [commonly known in English as lazyness] lately, in some cases it goes to the point of "hueva" [i don't know an English translation for this].

It got to the point that i took a nap or two at work this week. I dont' think I stayed up late any of those nights, but work has been slow, boring, and sleep inducing. Luckily once the Fall semester begins, it will be hectic, annoying, and sometimes depressing. These are all much better than annoying.

I have to send a check to the TACW people...tax deductible!

I haven't sent any poems in lately. I'm not really concerned about that. I'm more interested in scholarly research on the pocho, although I should also focus on the literature/poetry being created with that image. Maybe writing poems isnt' my passion. It's fun, but I use it more to flesh out my ideas.

No poem today. Just those thoughts. I wanted to write something before it became 2 months later. I'll write more later. adios.

Good News

I applied to present at the Texas Association of Creative Writing Teachers (TACWT) Conference in Austin and I was accepted. Not in the role I wanted, having my own panel titled "De Pocho a Chicano, y Back", but i was placed on a panel of poets. That might seem like "blah" but that's actually quite good. One lesson I learned on my mini-vacation is that there is not always a "pocho" at every reading. lol

Being from the RGV and all, there are a lot of chicano or mexican themes embedded in the poetry. However, when I performed at Open Mic at Ruta Maya this past week I was the only "mexicano". Not to say that all others were strictly American. I'm pretty sure one guy was british and another was french. It was good to listen to different nationalities reference problems from their respective countries. And then the strange, loud poets were also present. It would be too easy to say, "I want to live there because there is more variety". Yeah, as far as nationality there appeared to be more variety than in the RGV, but I think for my own "research interest" the variety in the RGV works quite good. Even though it may seem we are all "mexicanos" tambien hay sur americanos, whom have their own culture and traditions. It's simplistic to group "mexicanos" but i'm interested in the differences among us.

Back to the conference: I was planning on having a friend present with me as well, but our panel was not accepted, although the organizer did say there was room for more panels. This means 1. there was a mistake (lol) 2. I am going to resubmit the panel and hope it is accepted this time.

I plan on having fun in Austin while I am there. Not crazy fun, but poet fun, such as reading in other venues and relaxing. reading/writing in the park or cafe...etc. The conference in Sept. 22nd-24th although i have to see about work or when I have to attend. I'm assuming I don't have to attend the entirety or the banquet and such. I'll see what i can manage.

So, that's some good news for you. ;-)

AC now included

These past for days went by fast. I didn't blog because i had things on my mind. Things like no AC. but it was fixed for approximately $180 dollars. In south texas, AC is worth so much more. Although it was strange that at night, windows open and fans on all cylinders, i slept so good. the faint heat maybe put me in a comatose state, but i felt refreshed waking up, and it was easier to wake up. So, although during the day i won't miss the heat, at night i miss it just a bit.

I won't complain here so much today. Although i am worried about "D" telling me of cutbacks in the hospital. I think we can still make it through. But that's a big chunk of income. most of it goes to entertainment (or at least from what i see). Yes, there are bills she pays like cable, house alarm, insurance, student loans, and such. But if i can teach at least two courses. those will be covered. Everything else wouldn't be as crucial.

This weekend I didn't do much since it was mad hot and once the AC was repaired, I felt like only sitting inside. Well, I did drink though, and I spoke with my neighbor who surprisingly is only 3 or 4 years older than me, but seems like much more of a grown up. When i talk to him i feel i'm talking to someone who is in his 40's at the very least. Maybe its because he is married and has older step-daughters. His wife is a bit older than him as well. And he has this interest in things that i don't know about, like cock fighting and such. I like to talk to him because I don't know what he will say. I feel i'm learning from him or at the least experiencing what i won't be able to. I enjoy our talks a lot. Most of the time I think I am listening. I don't feel confident about what I can contribute to the conversation. Most of my knowledge is in the arts, and there isn't much to do with that. lol. Well, I am proud that I have a background in biology. I think that keeps me grounded a bit. Having an interest in wildlife and the environment allows me to feel "real".

So, even though you might be thinking, so all you really did was be inside and drink. Well, yes. On the surface i just drank, but outside, having shots of tequila with the neighbor, in between beers, i felt comradery which has been absent. These talks will also help me write poetry which is true to people of the community, rather than my perception of who they are.

I also watched a Korean film, Chaw. I haven't seen to many Korean films, the other i remember well being The Host. I enjoyed both, although it takes a bit to accept the mesh of horror and comedy within the film. Each has a foolish character mixed in with the heroic, and of course the monster. It's strange trying to remember similar American films, but none come to mind. Although if there were a few, i doubt I would enjoy them as much. I also tried watching a french film, but it was dubbed. I hated films that are dubbed. Anyways, it had been a while of seeing a foreign film (horror films count). Usually foreign films can be quite "real" in that they are a bit more "down to earth" that American films. Ah, i know: they don't always have happy endings. I don't like happy endings anyways, but after a while, it can be too much. lol

Anyways, I'm headed to austin for a few days, so I feel good. Might not blog until Saturday. Until then. adios.

The AC is out

and I live in south texas. that means it's going to get freaking hot in the house. That means I have to get a new unit (central air). That means about $5,000.

It also means someone is pissed at me. Right now it does hurt, but at the same time I don't care. Estoy cansado.

Still haven't heard from Conference people.
Austin trip more than likely cancelled. *sucks*

ah, vida, lets look on the bright side.

a. I got my computer working again after the Hard Drive crash. Now i will try to recover all the lost data. Luckily I had my poetry and old school work saved. I mostly lost photos, although the more important ones are on flickr.

*i just had a small sense of relief: maybe it's the writing or U2 on pandora*

b. a recommended person will be visiting the house on Saturday to see about repairs/replacement.

c. i can actually afford the replacement. *saving coming in handy*

*listening to more U2: New Years Day*

one last good thing: of the many bigger problems I could be plagued with, I am not. I have what I need to be happy. I have potential in the arts/research.

The way i make things seem on here is likely overblown. but i think this is the first place i vent. I need to write more poetry on here. I vent but I don't write: not productive.

*let's change that*

Checking In

mostly. I'm still waiting for word from the conference I applied to. They said a response would be sent by July 30th. Today is August 2nd. Do rejections take longer? lol I hope not. Planning a trip to Austin soon. I can't wait. Relaxation. Partying. Art. I'm thinking about moving there. Not now, maybe in two  years. Maybe I'll got to PhD school in San Marcos (not Austin because I don't think I'll make it).

Is there anything more I can do to make this blog more interesting? gossip? secrets?

Truth: sometimes i don't like reading other's poetry. meaning, it takes a lot of work for me to get interested. maybe it depends on subject matter, but i haven't figured it yet.

I wish i could get a full-time job teaching.  I am a bit jealous (envious) of one of my poetry friends. My friend posted on a networking site about earning a job which i am figuring is full-time work. We both are friend/acquaintance of the Chair. i suppose they knows each other better and influenced the outcome. My friend is very capable, great poet, and has been looking for work.

I think I realized I have to start applying to different universities. I get upset though. I think I'm good for the job and i know how things work, you know people and you get jobs. that's likely how i got this one and also teaching...but just get upset/jealous.

I think i'm more upset at myself though since it's moments like those that make me feel idle. as if i haven't done much to show progress. and if i would be more assertive and follow through with my projects i would have what i want.

*sorry blog, for purging these emotions on you all the time. who else would i tell?*

*and sometimes i believe i want what others have*

*ah, envy*

Why does time

seem to go by fast on here/out there. I felt it was only two days since i had written, but it's been more like four.

Feeling good today [which is somewhat disturbing that i have to say that out loud]. lol

I had a first topic in mind but since there is an obvious image next to my text, it's best I explain. I am currently working on a chapbook, titled "Text-Book" or as shown. The concept is explained on this flier i will be posting out locally, in hopes of receiving some submissions. It's not a new idea online, as I did see and note some earlier attempts. I haven't heard of a chapbook version, although not everything is online. Anyways, the point is i hope this is new. even if it isn't new, i hope it's better. i need to make it better, meaning different techniques for creating the chapbook as well as material. ya, this is a new start. should be a new start. has to be a new start. *start*

Feel free to add me on facebook or participate in the contest with the information found on the flier.

On another note, and i actually wanted to write this yesterday, i saw a video dealing with the cartel violence in mexico and along the border. i picked up the dvd from a neighbor and he was kind enough to lend it for a week already. i didn't watch until yesterday: it began as a basic informative news program which lasted an hour. it had good information, but was mostly already heard around here. then i saw the pictures of actual killings. i'm talking about beheadings. bodies which have been shot. that took me out of the idea that this cannot affect me. its often said that those who are being killed are directly involved, but in some cases bystanders are also murdered. the pictures made me think about how bad the violence will get. i want to visit mexico but hesitant, even along the border.

after that i messed around with the dvd and found the videos. these videos are serious. in the back of my mind i thought that maybe they were scripted or fake. i don't know...i get a bad feeling. i watched as the camera operator asked the middle aged man for his name and # (which is used as an identifying marker in the Zetas), and then proceeded to ask about his employer and what his activities were. he mentioned a few things like kidnapping and such, until the cameraman said that was good enough and then shot him. I jerked back at that. it made me feel a bit uneasy. I have never watched the "faces of death" series, but knowing this video could very well be real is disturbing. I wanted some knowledge into the cartel fighting and when I though i would be watching pictures it seemed like a fun idea. now it seems even like a dangerous idea. most of the videos had similar structure where an individual or group was asked for their name and # along with employer and activities. the worst one was the beheading. the gurgling of the slit throat. this war is real. 

i want to make a copy of it, which i can do easily in technical terms, but the feeling of doing so: uneasy.

usually,

i don't look at what i have written before as i update the blog. in this case, i may repeat myself. the past week at work i have both metaphorically and literally fallen asleep. not for long stretches, but enough so that when i wake up i feel refreshed. *l* its funny because it happens. its not funny because sitting here feels like a waste of time. yeah, i know there are plenty for me to do online/with a computer:

1. write/revise poetry
2. work on poxo [pocho] research
3. work on raving press website
4. update blog
5. figure out a sound financial plan for the next 5 years
6. bills [dang, just realized i forgot to pick up a bill from my mom]

and the list sigue y sigue. but the amount of work i can accomplish from my desk feels redundant. sitting here i only think about being outside. outside i:

1. take pictures at Santa Ana Wildlife Refuge

2. take the girls out for a walk

3. repairs at home

4. writing at home

5. reading at home

6. random driving

and this list sigue y sigue.

but the actual point of this all is that i have felt better the past two days. and i'm trying to convince myself that part of this listless feeling is mental. it's not entirely, but i haven't been doing the necessary to keep my body active. come to think of it, sounds like i haven't been doing much with myself recently. "today is different": i don't like that saying or they way it makes it seem as if change happens instantaneously. change is gradual. maybe i can say "today will not be like yesterday". On Sunday i did apply for a panel in the 2011  Texas Association of Creative Writing Teachers conference in Austin. I hope i get it. I find out July 30th.

*back to work*

Practicing

updating this blog. I'm a bit out of it right now because full-time work is slow. it makes me sleepy. it makes me passive. Some family drama this weekend, but it is all too personal to mention here. then an #1 is in love with #2, but forgets about #3. Then older woman comes into my office, and is from same town, and had once been a Chavarria [relation yet unknown, and i don't want to know].
I am emotionally spent. lol
I was supposed to attend a reading today but I am tired. I want to go home, take care of home stuff and have a glass of moscato.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
even chicanos
are burdened
by brown
complexions
and light
siblings

even chicanos
feel guilty
for leaving
the pocho
motherland

even chicanos
drink budweiser
to the point
of raising
hell

Tired

From good events.

1. Poetry at Simon Sez, a local dive bar. My first appearance  here was awkward. Nobody was listening from the regular patron section. The poets listened, but that doesn't count. The second time around i was more confident and it wasn't as full. Also, i was one of two poets and a "rapper" so not as much pressure.  I want to read again and more in different places. It was during the week [tuesday] so it took a lot of me. lol

2. late night movies for the last of the Harry Potter series. This was just for fun, but it made the night last until 3AM.

At the moment I am drinking a beer, watching the film  Let Me In, a remake of Let the Right One In. I usually don't like remakes but this one is so similar, it feels like i am watching the original except I don't have to look up from the computer to read subtitles. The point is i can have it as background noise.

A few days ago i realized that poxo [pocho] is becoming more "recognized', meaning there are a few people questioning its significance. In my daydream we collaborate. We exchange ideas towards the concept of a fragmented population with different identities of pocho. I have to write to them, but first I should collect my ideas, proofs, examples. I hope this works out. I hope the conferences will give me some credibility.

I need to progress the idea of poxo [pocho], and in the process live a normal life.

It's Never Enough

*sigh*

Listening to System of a Down's song "Toxicity" to hopefully purge myself of this [title] feeling.

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I took a few days off from working on the chapbook...somewhat. I gathered a book and $10 gift certificate for the Text-Book project. My mind needed to rest between the grading and such. I think I decided to make a facebook "event" for my one-shot project as well. Although I'm not sure if I should give myself a bit more time for that one, meaning working on a logo since I think one-shot is going to be my side magazine/project. Rather then trying to recreate the same type of literature, i want to see something different all the time. That might work. Maybe I will give myself more time. Feeling frustrated [look above].

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Listening to Adele's "Rolling in the Deep" to shake off the anger.
*Went off listening to some music for a bit. A bit more myself, but not quite.*

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Anyways, back to literature. I need to start submitting poems again. One of my problems is that I can't multi-task. lol. I can try to create publications but then i let go of the writing. I try starting a website and there goes the writing again. Would this change if I had a full-time teaching position? Maybe. I'll write a  better blog later.

My Friend Said

my blog can be depressing...and it can be...but i'm just happy she reads it. lol
I tried reading my current book but wasn't able to get past a few pages. I will have more time to work on projects now that I found out I won't be teaching Summer II. I don't mind that. I have a full-time job and teaching was supplemental income (which I like). But getting the summer off before Fall [which was called a strong possibility] will help me complete projects and relax a bit. Right now I'm working on a "Text-Book" and a "Bad Poetry Book". I like both ideas, and with both i'm hoping to show a lighter side of poetry. For my next project....don't tell anyone, whoever may read this...is an "Erotic Chican@ Literature Book".

I looked up the term "erotic Chicano literature" and there was a book or two, but mostly it was scholarly. I want the stories included to range from love to sexy to risque. There is still quite a bit of time before I begin this project though since I haven't finished the others. ah, i just remembered I am helping someone with a personal chapbook...can't forget! Anyways, I need to do some research as well and find judges for the erotic chapbook. Since i am not familiar with the erotic genre, i wouldn't want to be the sole judge. that will give me time to find people and promote it.

i'm at work, so i have to get back to work. will write more later.

Before it is to late

I am going to post on here. Quite busy few days...not because I did a lot of work during the weekend, but thinking of ideas, working on some publications, responding to emails, and such.

The idea for the TXT-BK is off and going, and I created a facebook event which has garnered some responses. What does this mean?
1. I am surprised people have responded this early
2. I am excited about publishing again (again).

Q: How will this be different than the past 13 years I have been involved in publishing chapbooks and zines?
*hold on....just taking a moment to say...13 years? agh, where does the time go*

A: This time around I have more disposable income, rather than trying to do everything on the cheap. I still want to create that aesthetic of grassroots, but I'm working on making these more exclusive, refined, edited, and purposeful.

For this chapbook I am working with my friend/business partner Gabriel H. Sanchez. On the "Que Apesta?" one-shot I am working independently which will give me more creative control and allow me to be as random as i feel.

I need to take a trip. I need to get ideas. I need to buy books. I need to challenge myself.

I need to make business cards. Why don't I get people to help me? I don't know. I try to do this on my own.
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After writing this post i realized to myself "dude, you didn't even put some info here about the "TXT-BK" contest. So, here it goes if you are interested in submitting works for publication.




145 Characters.




One Poem.



Embrace the restraints.



Join the Text Poetry Challenge.



The challenge is to use 145 characters to create a poem. No theme, no lines, just write until 145. Top submissions will be featured in the publication, “Text-Book”, published by The Raving Press.

Photos and Art are encouraged…and spaces count.

Send submissions on facebook to Isaac Chavarría or Gabriel H. Sanchez. Entries may also be sent to ichavarria@utpa.edu as a word document.

Looking forward to seeing your work.

Deadline: Sept 15

Site

I created a new website (created meaning i bought a domain name) and have started thinking about expanding my research and interest in being Pocho. For now I am calling myself Poxo, a variant of Pocho, which is geared towards my upbringing as a Mexican American along the South Texas border region.

The site: Poxo Website

I only have the domain, meaning one page, but it is easy to work with. However, the fonts and styles are limited. There are some good functions, but if i want to take it further I will have to pay money. I don't want to pay money since I already have one website which is somewhat going to waste. I need to work on that, but I don't have time. I hardly have time for real live events. If i could find someone to work for free, that would be great. But, that usually doesn't happen. I had a person helping previously, but they weren't reliable and then just stopped helping.

I also started the "Que Pesta?" chapbook and I have garnered some interest. It's actually quite exciting. :-) I need to think of ideas, but we shall see what happens (in a good way).

*just a quick note, back to work (organizing my office, papers for ENGL course, and figuring out personal finances)

This is not a joke

This is not a joke. I am actually attempting to publish poetry which would be considered sub par [truth is, the more horrible the better]. Each of us have our moments of bad writing, and why should we be worried about legacies? let's appeal to the masses which is not interested in literature by giving them a good dose of stink.

Even this description stinks!

If you are bored, confused, want to get published, or oblivious to which level of writing you are at, then submit.

what's the worst that can happen....you get published?

Why...

does it smell like urine here?

first words to hear in the morning. A lot of responses come to mind such as we have a new puppy or there must be some urine around here.

I answered: must be the pad.

implied was: while I was home alone I didn't do anything, I let this house be pissed on by the dog, and working 8-8 three days isn't enough of me doing something.

Yes, that got me angry 3 hours ago. I just left.
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In artistic news, I have come up with another idea....you, the audience, says, "Another one?!?!"
*l* (from me). Yes, another one. These are the #s.
1. A chapbook
2. Title: "Que Pesta?" which translates to "What Stinks?"
3. A collection of bad poetry, whether written intentionally or pure bad, stinky talent.
4. Published and perhaps a poetry reading to commemorate

That's my idea. You may be asking yourself (or someone, like me), why this? I see it as a creative outlet, maybe the opportunity to publish what we never want to be seen by others. I think there are plenty of occasions where we hide our writing (as easily as we do with our thoughts and feelings) even though they may actually have literary value. Other times it's fun to be less serious. And this requires no talent at all. lol

I comment was relayed to me by a profe friend. She stated that a student wrote the following in her research paper after I presented to the class on the idea of being Pocho.

"He's a leader for many people who feel that they too are Pocho."

A student said that. You don't realize what this means to me. With all the trouble i am having being published a comment as such feels like a big compliment.

I can do this.

The Personal

has become to personal to post here. It's a mixture of uncertainty and somberness. If you want to know how I feel, listen to the following song, and then find the lyrics.

The Decemberist "Hazards of Love IV"

There was no reading yesterday, only watching TV after a day of advising 8-5, and then teaching 6-8. Today there will likely be reading. I will scan the cover of my current read. I will write a poem. I will purge this tristeza.

Movies & Unsettled

I wasn't sure of my expectations for this movie. I have enjoyed Roberto Rodriguez films, regardless of genre, but i haven't seen his last few collaborations with Quentin Tarantino.
Turns out I loved this movie. It was exactly what I needed to watch towards midnight. It reminded me a bit of the Mexican Narco films which depict violence, beautiful women, and over the top acting.
And I unashamed to say that I loved the secondary theme of immigration rights and Austin setting.
It felt as if Rodriguez was home and hadn't forgotten his roots, while attempting to blend in his current style. I think i might dl some Mexican movies although those I will probably have to buy at the pulga since I don't think they are that popular. *l*
Related to film and attempting to watch more movies is the idea that I am at a personal standstill. I go through this every so often. I feel I haven't accomplished much and I try a new venture which usually is only half fulfilled. At this point I am hoping to make a "fake" zine, but actually publish it...so it's not completely fake. I don't know if this has to do anything with my personal life, but I'm trying to create a positive and creative environment. The problem is that I don't find to many people whom I can be myself with. Or maybe the problem is that I am trying to be to much of myself while keeping it to solely a creative aspect would be the best option. I don't know (as always) and I will try new ideas and projects (as always), and like most other times i will find a waste of time to keep me preoccupied until I am a mess again.
I'm feeling a bit happier now *after advising some students and planning out a small project* but I have to keep this up. I need to take care of home chores as well. Perhaps that bogs me down quite a bit as well.
Today is my opportunity to be creative in class. Tonight I will watch some Death Note and hopefully finish it by the end of the week. No new writing of poetry as of now, but I am developing ideas. Tomorrow I will have a sample draft.