When you see

IDK

2012-01-15T20:06:00.000-06:00

why today started off well with a visit to la pugla where i bought two frames shown below. Not a great picture,

but those are it. purchase price was 50 cents. I bought some bulbs for outside and then came home to watch game and have a few drinks. At some point I started getting this feeling that I was not happy. It could be described as "blah". I felt like that for a couple of hours until now. I'm listening to CSS on vinyl in my newly decorated office [frames included].

A few days ago I found out the following:

Accepted to present at 2012 NACCS Tejas Regional Conference with Gabriel Sanchez this March. We will present our poetic and research themed presentation, titled "De Pocho a Chicano, Y Back.

I was starting to get worried because the announcement was supposed to be made early Jan. I think of early Jan as the 1st. lol Unfortunately, I failed in submitting to the Andres Montoya call for manuscripts. Although I feel i need to improve my poetry. Still not liking the "poems must be in English".

Maybe the "blah" feeling comes from not accomplishing what i wanted today. Although I didn't have much planned. Luckily I don't go to work tomorrow so I still have time to recover. I suppose today I should let this feeling run its course.

New Years, what else

2012-01-01T01:35:00.001-06:00

could i possibly write about today. All those previous post where I write about changing for the better and taking advantage of opportunities amounts to this day. This is the day that I have worked for. It's sort of like a clean slate where my previous mistakes and shortcomings are not important. So, tomorrow when i'm cutting the grass and edges, I will be a new person (still with my good attributes, just a better version).
I popped fireworks but wasn't with my family, which saddened me. I'm used to celebrating with my mom and siblings, and their children. We eat a modest meal, but the most fun for me is the fireworks. It's the event which only comes twice a year, so being able to afford it is quite nice. But my mom was visiting my oldest brother in Houston. I didn't get too sad since she was able to spend time with my brother and sister. So, i'm not going to be selfish, but I wish I had gotten together with my younger sister and brother.
There are times I think of how the family will react when my mom passes away. After she is gone, will we still get together. It's been a constant for me, meeting with family for special occasions. I'm afraid we wont. I suppose the easiest way to ensure it doesn't happen is by keeping us together. It would seem easy to do, but by nature i'm a loner. Even now with my mom living less than a mile away, I only see her twice a month or so. those are actions i will regret in the future.
New Years Day is a great day, but also places a lot of pressure on individuals. I have to deal with it as far as submitting my poetry goes. I applied to the CantoMundo program and once again hoping I make it. I didn't last year, which is somewhat disappointing, and if I again get rejected, well...those which were accepted must be better than me. I know a few applying and I honestly think they are better than me. It's not a conceited though, it's just that I personally know them and their poetry, and I rather them go. lol I still want to go, but if not me, they deserve to be accepted.
Guess there was more to New Years Day than "resolutions".

Two-in-one

2011-12-30T19:13:00.000-06:00

Today i took a self day. Those days where its just about me, really. As always, when life wasn't busy they were more common. Now with 2 jobs it's more difficult, even when I try to plan for them. So today i did small things like fix the fence, buy the girls a bigger bed so they can all take doggie naps on them, went to salvation army, had a pineapple slushie (+ tapioca), and took a book to the park to read a bit.
It's not the most complex or longest book, but I have been wanting to read it for awhile since the author is from the RGV. I recognize many of the places mentioned. What I'm not certain about is the language used. It's difficult (or seems to be) to make the language authentic; i'm guessing not as accessible and less sales. There was an opportunity to meet the author but i failed to go. I forgot what i was doing or if i was feeling anti-social. I thought i was doing something, but who knows. It would have been a good opportunity.

I am slow reader and I only read for an hour, so I made it to chapter 7. I will attempt to finish the book before the weekend is over. It was peaceful at the park in the sense that there were happy noises all around. right now i'm only getting silence, so i didn't want to stay in to dark of a mood. I'm not making too many notes while reading, but occasionally I'll mark a local landmark I'm familiar with or I will analyze which words are placed in spanish or would be considered "pocho" language.

I also want to review a picture I found one evening while I was jogging.I enjoy taking pictures as much as I do finding random ones. I found this photo:

I'm sure the date is wrong one way or another. It's cute. Two girls (sisters?) with similar sweaters and the youngest child posing behind a nicely decorated christmas tree and plenty of presents. They look happy is probably the main reason I enjoy this photo. I think of family. I have family but I keep my distance at times for no reason at all. I'm working on resolutions, which I haven't tried before, but this is the year I need to focus and get myself straight. Maybe in the end, a similar picture with me in it will be found somewhere.

Dissappointed

2011-12-29T15:54:00.001-06:00

in myself for last night. Drank too much and said bad things. Now I feel ashamed. Instead of being creative, I became destructive. I don't like myself in that form. Worse is how it makes me feel the next day. Much worse is the person I hurt.
What does this mean? drink-fast. learn to appreciate loved ones. don't bottle up. speak respectfully. love. care for others. be productive.
These moments have a way of bringing out the worst in me. I think I'm usually a good person, but last night i was a horrible person. the guilt is bad today.

cuando estoy borracho
se me sale el indio
de mi papa
el corajudo
que siempre estaba
en mal humor
y golpeaba
mi madre

debes de decir
cariños
me decia

¿quieres que te arregle?

tengo susto
que diran

¿recuerdas papa?

i-gua-li-to.

Sometimes

2011-12-28T15:09:00.004-06:00

you think everything is right, but it's not. I'm getting one of those feelings. But no way to know until what is not right happens.

In the meanwhile I am working in a manuscript to submit to a comrade. The strange part about the writing world (as is everything else) is the competitiveness. We all know that we are working against one another although belonging to an art which benefits from assisting each other.

I don't believe "we" (that means this is a disclaimer) focus on creating small groups and helping those people out. We don't help out as many as we can.

I feel as if i'm saying everything with twice the words i need to use.

Let me be precise:

To survive it feels as if we

need to be selfish
network for the purpose of benefit
are pressured by time
never know what is going on around us

The last reason wasn't that good but somewhat close. Time to help a friend with some editing. I hope to organize my home office this week while i am off of work. I hope to be productive.

*adios*

Time for Another Entry

2011-11-25T18:35:00.001-06:00

No point in catching up on what has happened the past two months. I'll just skip to this moment as I watch La verdadera historia de la llorona (2007). I bought it at la pulga this Thanksgiving Thursday in my attempt to watch more "culturally relevant films". But usually when i pick these films they are modern takes of classic stories. I enjoy watching random Mexican films in particular because of their small budgets. It adds some humbleness and lets me place more emphasis on the acting and directing. American films with larger budgets (i.e Captain America: The First Avenger) are sometimes lacking.
This movie isn't historical, but it's a good story. A married businessman has an affair with his secretary who then becomes pregnant. All the meanwhile, the secretary sleepwalks and calls out "mis hijos".
The real story is the affair, which goes back to the belief that stories carry a moral story. The truth is sometimes i watch these films without worrying about the moral or the exploitation of women and minorities. I tell myself that I learn from watching these films because I understand more of how they are exploited. Other times I think i enjoy it [the general word of all].
Could a psychiatrist explain what I am feeling? Would it matter if they told me since I'm not sure I would believe their analysis. [oh oh, the wife just found out the secretary is pregnant]
Betrayal is harsh. Somehow this movie is turning out good even though it has little to do about la llorona, unless it considers itself an origin story. I am scared easily by horror films. I wouldn't consider this movie a horror film, but I'm not turning off the lights either. lol

*back to the movie*

Catching Up

2011-10-10T09:54:00.004-05:00

is difficult when I have too much. Full-time work at the university & teaching three courses at another, and besides that trying to maintain a stable home life. [oh yeah, i forgot i was participating in an weekly creative writing workshop] A mentor told me in passing "Be Carefull" and she was right once again. I feel tired, behind in both my jobs, and unhappy with home.

Somehow I get small pleasures in: music, photography, friends. This is a photograph I took this photo last week. I like taking pictures. It's relaxing. It's also a positive challenge.

Anyways, still plenty to do. Right now i should be working and organizing. but i needed a break. I hope someone is reading this. if you are, i apologize for the randonmess, lack of benefit from reading this blog. But, as a "treat" I will include my revision of my "chicano" poem.

I know of changes i want to make, including: having different spellings for "chicanos" as well as adding lines, such as "even chicanos/go to jail".

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

even chicanos

get asco
at a prieto
complexion
and light siblings

even chicanos

visit pocho-
land-
and don’t come back

even chicanos

hide behind
jesus, maiden
names, and peacocks
even chicanos

chug budweiser
screaming mother
¿por qué no me visitas?

even chicanos

marry mexicanas
own two kids
and live complacently
ever after

seriously...

2011-09-21T14:57:00.001-05:00

how did close to a month pass by? I suppose once the school year started i became busy with teaching/advising. I'm already feeling tired. I have to find my motivation/energy by completing small tasks at home and giving myself "treats" every so often. I'm improving with my teaching in the sense that class is becoming hands-on rather than all lecture.
I did have a minor vacation by going to the Austin City Limits Music Festival, of which you can see photos at Random Photos Here.
It was fun, although I was sick the first day. that bit. but i don't have so much time to think of that. now i have to think about surviving until Dec. 15th. Sept. Oct. Nov. Dec. = 3 Months.
Next week I will be presenting some of my poetry at a conference. damn, i need to get that together.
I am also participating in a community workshop. have to get that together also.

Also, the past few years I have forgotten what today is about, Sept. 21st. We each have our moments for mourning and today is the closest I have. On Sept. 21, 1989 an accident caused a school bus of jr high and high school students to fall into a deep caliche pit. At that moment and a few days later, 21 kids passed away. This happened in my community, about a mile from where I live. My family did not lose any blood relatives that day, but my older brother and sisters knew people who died. I remember being 10, in elementary school, and hearing the news. I cried. I can't remember crying anywhere else as a kid, but in that moment. At home, my father seemed to feel a helpless anger; the type from poverty. I feel ashamed when I forget today. The memory of those kids deserves better.

10 Days

2011-08-26T08:26:00.000-05:00

But it feels so much longer. Another vent session? No, I'll take care of that on my own, although I am venting about myself.

Within the past week I have noticed a decline in my drive, or as we like to say in ESpanish, "flojera". I have had a lot of "flojera" [commonly known in English as lazyness] lately, in some cases it goes to the point of "hueva" [i don't know an English translation for this].

It got to the point that i took a nap or two at work this week. I dont' think I stayed up late any of those nights, but work has been slow, boring, and sleep inducing. Luckily once the Fall semester begins, it will be hectic, annoying, and sometimes depressing. These are all much better than annoying.

I have to send a check to the TACW people...tax deductible!

I haven't sent any poems in lately. I'm not really concerned about that. I'm more interested in scholarly research on the pocho, although I should also focus on the literature/poetry being created with that image. Maybe writing poems isnt' my passion. It's fun, but I use it more to flesh out my ideas.

No poem today. Just those thoughts. I wanted to write something before it became 2 months later. I'll write more later. adios.

Good News

2011-08-16T08:52:00.000-05:00

I applied to present at the Texas Association of Creative Writing Teachers (TACWT) Conference in Austin and I was accepted. Not in the role I wanted, having my own panel titled "De Pocho a Chicano, y Back", but i was placed on a panel of poets. That might seem like "blah" but that's actually quite good. One lesson I learned on my mini-vacation is that there is not always a "pocho" at every reading. lol

Being from the RGV and all, there are a lot of chicano or mexican themes embedded in the poetry. However, when I performed at Open Mic at Ruta Maya this past week I was the only "mexicano". Not to say that all others were strictly American. I'm pretty sure one guy was british and another was french. It was good to listen to different nationalities reference problems from their respective countries. And then the strange, loud poets were also present. It would be too easy to say, "I want to live there because there is more variety". Yeah, as far as nationality there appeared to be more variety than in the RGV, but I think for my own "research interest" the variety in the RGV works quite good. Even though it may seem we are all "mexicanos" tambien hay sur americanos, whom have their own culture and traditions. It's simplistic to group "mexicanos" but i'm interested in the differences among us.

Back to the conference: I was planning on having a friend present with me as well, but our panel was not accepted, although the organizer did say there was room for more panels. This means 1. there was a mistake (lol) 2. I am going to resubmit the panel and hope it is accepted this time.

I plan on having fun in Austin while I am there. Not crazy fun, but poet fun, such as reading in other venues and relaxing. reading/writing in the park or cafe...etc. The conference in Sept. 22nd-24th although i have to see about work or when I have to attend. I'm assuming I don't have to attend the entirety or the banquet and such. I'll see what i can manage.

So, that's some good news for you. ;-)

AC now included

2011-08-08T10:51:00.000-05:00

These past for days went by fast. I didn't blog because i had things on my mind. Things like no AC. but it was fixed for approximately $180 dollars. In south texas, AC is worth so much more. Although it was strange that at night, windows open and fans on all cylinders, i slept so good. the faint heat maybe put me in a comatose state, but i felt refreshed waking up, and it was easier to wake up. So, although during the day i won't miss the heat, at night i miss it just a bit.

I won't complain here so much today. Although i am worried about "D" telling me of cutbacks in the hospital. I think we can still make it through. But that's a big chunk of income. most of it goes to entertainment (or at least from what i see). Yes, there are bills she pays like cable, house alarm, insurance, student loans, and such. But if i can teach at least two courses. those will be covered. Everything else wouldn't be as crucial.

This weekend I didn't do much since it was mad hot and once the AC was repaired, I felt like only sitting inside. Well, I did drink though, and I spoke with my neighbor who surprisingly is only 3 or 4 years older than me, but seems like much more of a grown up. When i talk to him i feel i'm talking to someone who is in his 40's at the very least. Maybe its because he is married and has older step-daughters. His wife is a bit older than him as well. And he has this interest in things that i don't know about, like cock fighting and such. I like to talk to him because I don't know what he will say. I feel i'm learning from him or at the least experiencing what i won't be able to. I enjoy our talks a lot. Most of the time I think I am listening. I don't feel confident about what I can contribute to the conversation. Most of my knowledge is in the arts, and there isn't much to do with that. lol. Well, I am proud that I have a background in biology. I think that keeps me grounded a bit. Having an interest in wildlife and the environment allows me to feel "real".

So, even though you might be thinking, so all you really did was be inside and drink. Well, yes. On the surface i just drank, but outside, having shots of tequila with the neighbor, in between beers, i felt comradery which has been absent. These talks will also help me write poetry which is true to people of the community, rather than my perception of who they are.

I also watched a Korean film, Chaw. I haven't seen to many Korean films, the other i remember well being The Host. I enjoyed both, although it takes a bit to accept the mesh of horror and comedy within the film. Each has a foolish character mixed in with the heroic, and of course the monster. It's strange trying to remember similar American films, but none come to mind. Although if there were a few, i doubt I would enjoy them as much. I also tried watching a french film, but it was dubbed. I hated films that are dubbed. Anyways, it had been a while of seeing a foreign film (horror films count). Usually foreign films can be quite "real" in that they are a bit more "down to earth" that American films. Ah, i know: they don't always have happy endings. I don't like happy endings anyways, but after a while, it can be too much. lol

Anyways, I'm headed to austin for a few days, so I feel good. Might not blog until Saturday. Until then. adios.

The AC is out

2011-08-04T10:13:00.000-05:00

and I live in south texas. that means it's going to get freaking hot in the house. That means I have to get a new unit (central air). That means about $5,000.

It also means someone is pissed at me. Right now it does hurt, but at the same time I don't care. Estoy cansado.

Still haven't heard from Conference people.
Austin trip more than likely cancelled. *sucks*

ah, vida, lets look on the bright side.

a. I got my computer working again after the Hard Drive crash. Now i will try to recover all the lost data. Luckily I had my poetry and old school work saved. I mostly lost photos, although the more important ones are on flickr.

*i just had a small sense of relief: maybe it's the writing or U2 on pandora*

b. a recommended person will be visiting the house on Saturday to see about repairs/replacement.

c. i can actually afford the replacement. *saving coming in handy*

*listening to more U2: New Years Day*

one last good thing: of the many bigger problems I could be plagued with, I am not. I have what I need to be happy. I have potential in the arts/research.

The way i make things seem on here is likely overblown. but i think this is the first place i vent. I need to write more poetry on here. I vent but I don't write: not productive.

*let's change that*

Checking In

2011-08-02T11:21:00.000-05:00

mostly. I'm still waiting for word from the conference I applied to. They said a response would be sent by July 30th. Today is August 2nd. Do rejections take longer? lol I hope not. Planning a trip to Austin soon. I can't wait. Relaxation. Partying. Art. I'm thinking about moving there. Not now, maybe in two years. Maybe I'll got to PhD school in San Marcos (not Austin because I don't think I'll make it).

Is there anything more I can do to make this blog more interesting? gossip? secrets?

Truth: sometimes i don't like reading other's poetry. meaning, it takes a lot of work for me to get interested. maybe it depends on subject matter, but i haven't figured it yet.

I wish i could get a full-time job teaching. I am a bit jealous (envious) of one of my poetry friends. My friend posted on a networking site about earning a job which i am figuring is full-time work. We both are friend/acquaintance of the Chair. i suppose they knows each other better and influenced the outcome. My friend is very capable, great poet, and has been looking for work.

I think I realized I have to start applying to different universities. I get upset though. I think I'm good for the job and i know how things work, you know people and you get jobs. that's likely how i got this one and also teaching...but just get upset/jealous.

I think i'm more upset at myself though since it's moments like those that make me feel idle. as if i haven't done much to show progress. and if i would be more assertive and follow through with my projects i would have what i want.

*sorry blog, for purging these emotions on you all the time. who else would i tell?*

*and sometimes i believe i want what others have*

*ah, envy*

Why does time

2011-07-29T11:12:00.000-05:00

seem to go by fast on here/out there. I felt it was only two days since i had written, but it's been more like four.

Feeling good today [which is somewhat disturbing that i have to say that out loud]. lol

I had a first topic in mind but since there is an obvious image next to my text, it's best I explain. I am currently working on a chapbook, titled "Text-Book" or as shown. The concept is explained on this flier i will be posting out locally, in hopes of receiving some submissions. It's not a new idea online, as I did see and note some earlier attempts. I haven't heard of a chapbook version, although not everything is online. Anyways, the point is i hope this is new. even if it isn't new, i hope it's better. i need to make it better, meaning different techniques for creating the chapbook as well as material. ya, this is a new start. should be a new start. has to be a new start. *start*

Feel free to add me on facebook or participate in the contest with the information found on the flier.

On another note, and i actually wanted to write this yesterday, i saw a video dealing with the cartel violence in mexico and along the border. i picked up the dvd from a neighbor and he was kind enough to lend it for a week already. i didn't watch until yesterday: it began as a basic informative news program which lasted an hour. it had good information, but was mostly already heard around here. then i saw the pictures of actual killings. i'm talking about beheadings. bodies which have been shot. that took me out of the idea that this cannot affect me. its often said that those who are being killed are directly involved, but in some cases bystanders are also murdered. the pictures made me think about how bad the violence will get. i want to visit mexico but hesitant, even along the border.

after that i messed around with the dvd and found the videos. these videos are serious. in the back of my mind i thought that maybe they were scripted or fake. i don't know...i get a bad feeling. i watched as the camera operator asked the middle aged man for his name and # (which is used as an identifying marker in the Zetas), and then proceeded to ask about his employer and what his activities were. he mentioned a few things like kidnapping and such, until the cameraman said that was good enough and then shot him. I jerked back at that. it made me feel a bit uneasy. I have never watched the "faces of death" series, but knowing this video could very well be real is disturbing. I wanted some knowledge into the cartel fighting and when I though i would be watching pictures it seemed like a fun idea. now it seems even like a dangerous idea. most of the videos had similar structure where an individual or group was asked for their name and # along with employer and activities. the worst one was the beheading. the gurgling of the slit throat. this war is real.

i want to make a copy of it, which i can do easily in technical terms, but the feeling of doing so: uneasy.

usually,

2011-07-25T10:16:00.000-05:00

i don't look at what i have written before as i update the blog. in this case, i may repeat myself. the past week at work i have both metaphorically and literally fallen asleep. not for long stretches, but enough so that when i wake up i feel refreshed. *l* its funny because it happens. its not funny because sitting here feels like a waste of time. yeah, i know there are plenty for me to do online/with a computer:

1. write/revise poetry
2. work on poxo [pocho] research
3. work on raving press website
4. update blog
5. figure out a sound financial plan for the next 5 years
6. bills [dang, just realized i forgot to pick up a bill from my mom]

and the list sigue y sigue. but the amount of work i can accomplish from my desk feels redundant. sitting here i only think about being outside. outside i:

1. take pictures at Santa Ana Wildlife Refuge

2. take the girls out for a walk

3. repairs at home

4. writing at home

5. reading at home

6. random driving

and this list sigue y sigue.

but the actual point of this all is that i have felt better the past two days. and i'm trying to convince myself that part of this listless feeling is mental. it's not entirely, but i haven't been doing the necessary to keep my body active. come to think of it, sounds like i haven't been doing much with myself recently. "today is different": i don't like that saying or they way it makes it seem as if change happens instantaneously. change is gradual. maybe i can say "today will not be like yesterday". On Sunday i did apply for a panel in the 2011 Texas Association of Creative Writing Teachers conference in Austin. I hope i get it. I find out July 30th.

*back to work*

Practicing

2011-07-19T16:06:00.000-05:00

updating this blog. I'm a bit out of it right now because full-time work is slow. it makes me sleepy. it makes me passive. Some family drama this weekend, but it is all too personal to mention here. then an #1 is in love with #2, but forgets about #3. Then older woman comes into my office, and is from same town, and had once been a Chavarria [relation yet unknown, and i don't want to know].
I am emotionally spent. lol
I was supposed to attend a reading today but I am tired. I want to go home, take care of home stuff and have a glass of moscato.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
even chicanos
are burdened
by brown
complexions
and light
siblings

even chicanos
feel guilty
for leaving
the pocho
motherland

even chicanos
drink budweiser
to the point
of raising
hell

Tired

2011-07-15T19:23:00.000-05:00

From good events.

1. Poetry at Simon Sez, a local dive bar. My first appearance here was awkward. Nobody was listening from the regular patron section. The poets listened, but that doesn't count. The second time around i was more confident and it wasn't as full. Also, i was one of two poets and a "rapper" so not as much pressure. I want to read again and more in different places. It was during the week [tuesday] so it took a lot of me. lol

2. late night movies for the last of the Harry Potter series. This was just for fun, but it made the night last until 3AM.

At the moment I am drinking a beer, watching the film Let Me In, a remake of Let the Right One In. I usually don't like remakes but this one is so similar, it feels like i am watching the original except I don't have to look up from the computer to read subtitles. The point is i can have it as background noise.

A few days ago i realized that poxo [pocho] is becoming more "recognized', meaning there are a few people questioning its significance. In my daydream we collaborate. We exchange ideas towards the concept of a fragmented population with different identities of pocho. I have to write to them, but first I should collect my ideas, proofs, examples. I hope this works out. I hope the conferences will give me some credibility.

I need to progress the idea of poxo [pocho], and in the process live a normal life.

It's Never Enough

2011-07-12T08:54:00.001-05:00

*sigh*

Listening to System of a Down's song "Toxicity" to hopefully purge myself of this [title] feeling.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I took a few days off from working on the chapbook...somewhat. I gathered a book and $10 gift certificate for the Text-Book project. My mind needed to rest between the grading and such. I think I decided to make a facebook "event" for my one-shot project as well. Although I'm not sure if I should give myself a bit more time for that one, meaning working on a logo since I think one-shot is going to be my side magazine/project. Rather then trying to recreate the same type of literature, i want to see something different all the time. That might work. Maybe I will give myself more time. Feeling frustrated [look above].

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Listening to Adele's "Rolling in the Deep" to shake off the anger.
*Went off listening to some music for a bit. A bit more myself, but not quite.*

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Anyways, back to literature. I need to start submitting poems again. One of my problems is that I can't multi-task. lol. I can try to create publications but then i let go of the writing. I try starting a website and there goes the writing again. Would this change if I had a full-time teaching position? Maybe. I'll write a better blog later.

My Friend Said

2011-07-08T10:24:00.000-05:00

my blog can be depressing...and it can be...but i'm just happy she reads it. lol
I tried reading my current book but wasn't able to get past a few pages. I will have more time to work on projects now that I found out I won't be teaching Summer II. I don't mind that. I have a full-time job and teaching was supplemental income (which I like). But getting the summer off before Fall [which was called a strong possibility] will help me complete projects and relax a bit. Right now I'm working on a "Text-Book" and a "Bad Poetry Book". I like both ideas, and with both i'm hoping to show a lighter side of poetry. For my next project....don't tell anyone, whoever may read this...is an "Erotic Chican@ Literature Book".

I looked up the term "erotic Chicano literature" and there was a book or two, but mostly it was scholarly. I want the stories included to range from love to sexy to risque. There is still quite a bit of time before I begin this project though since I haven't finished the others. ah, i just remembered I am helping someone with a personal chapbook...can't forget! Anyways, I need to do some research as well and find judges for the erotic chapbook. Since i am not familiar with the erotic genre, i wouldn't want to be the sole judge. that will give me time to find people and promote it.

i'm at work, so i have to get back to work. will write more later.

Before it is to late

2011-07-05T10:02:00.002-05:00

I am going to post on here. Quite busy few days...not because I did a lot of work during the weekend, but thinking of ideas, working on some publications, responding to emails, and such.

The idea for the TXT-BK is off and going, and I created a facebook event which has garnered some responses. What does this mean?
1. I am surprised people have responded this early
2. I am excited about publishing again (again).

Q: How will this be different than the past 13 years I have been involved in publishing chapbooks and zines?
*hold on....just taking a moment to say...13 years? agh, where does the time go*

A: This time around I have more disposable income, rather than trying to do everything on the cheap. I still want to create that aesthetic of grassroots, but I'm working on making these more exclusive, refined, edited, and purposeful.

For this chapbook I am working with my friend/business partner Gabriel H. Sanchez. On the "Que Apesta?" one-shot I am working independently which will give me more creative control and allow me to be as random as i feel.

I need to take a trip. I need to get ideas. I need to buy books. I need to challenge myself.

I need to make business cards. Why don't I get people to help me? I don't know. I try to do this on my own.
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After writing this post i realized to myself "dude, you didn't even put some info here about the "TXT-BK" contest. So, here it goes if you are interested in submitting works for publication.

145 Characters.

One Poem.

Embrace the restraints.

Join the Text Poetry Challenge.

The challenge is to use 145 characters to create a poem. No theme, no lines, just write until 145. Top submissions will be featured in the publication, “Text-Book”, published by The Raving Press.

Photos and Art are encouraged…and spaces count.

Send submissions on facebook to Isaac Chavarría or Gabriel H. Sanchez. Entries may also be sent to ichavarria@utpa.edu as a word document.

Looking forward to seeing your work.

Deadline: Sept 15

Site

2011-07-01T11:17:00.000-05:00

I created a new website (created meaning i bought a domain name) and have started thinking about expanding my research and interest in being Pocho. For now I am calling myself Poxo, a variant of Pocho, which is geared towards my upbringing as a Mexican American along the South Texas border region.

The site: Poxo Website

I only have the domain, meaning one page, but it is easy to work with. However, the fonts and styles are limited. There are some good functions, but if i want to take it further I will have to pay money. I don't want to pay money since I already have one website which is somewhat going to waste. I need to work on that, but I don't have time. I hardly have time for real live events. If i could find someone to work for free, that would be great. But, that usually doesn't happen. I had a person helping previously, but they weren't reliable and then just stopped helping.

I also started the "Que Pesta?" chapbook and I have garnered some interest. It's actually quite exciting. :-) I need to think of ideas, but we shall see what happens (in a good way).

*just a quick note, back to work (organizing my office, papers for ENGL course, and figuring out personal finances)

This is not a joke

2011-06-29T19:28:00.000-05:00

This is not a joke. I am actually attempting to publish poetry which would be considered sub par [truth is, the more horrible the better]. Each of us have our moments of bad writing, and why should we be worried about legacies? let's appeal to the masses which is not interested in literature by giving them a good dose of stink.

Even this description stinks!

If you are bored, confused, want to get published, or oblivious to which level of writing you are at, then submit.

what's the worst that can happen....you get published?

Why...

2011-06-29T11:12:00.000-05:00

does it smell like urine here?

first words to hear in the morning. A lot of responses come to mind such as we have a new puppy or there must be some urine around here.

I answered: must be the pad.

implied was: while I was home alone I didn't do anything, I let this house be pissed on by the dog, and working 8-8 three days isn't enough of me doing something.

Yes, that got me angry 3 hours ago. I just left.
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In artistic news, I have come up with another idea....you, the audience, says, "Another one?!?!"
*l* (from me). Yes, another one. These are the #s.
1. A chapbook
2. Title: "Que Pesta?" which translates to "What Stinks?"
3. A collection of bad poetry, whether written intentionally or pure bad, stinky talent.
4. Published and perhaps a poetry reading to commemorate

That's my idea. You may be asking yourself (or someone, like me), why this? I see it as a creative outlet, maybe the opportunity to publish what we never want to be seen by others. I think there are plenty of occasions where we hide our writing (as easily as we do with our thoughts and feelings) even though they may actually have literary value. Other times it's fun to be less serious. And this requires no talent at all. lol

I comment was relayed to me by a profe friend. She stated that a student wrote the following in her research paper after I presented to the class on the idea of being Pocho.

"He's a leader for many people who feel that they too are Pocho."

A student said that. You don't realize what this means to me. With all the trouble i am having being published a comment as such feels like a big compliment.

I can do this.

The Personal

2011-06-28T09:34:00.001-05:00

has become to personal to post here. It's a mixture of uncertainty and somberness. If you want to know how I feel, listen to the following song, and then find the lyrics.

The Decemberist "Hazards of Love IV"

There was no reading yesterday, only watching TV after a day of advising 8-5, and then teaching 6-8. Today there will likely be reading. I will scan the cover of my current read. I will write a poem. I will purge this tristeza.

Movies & Unsettled

2011-06-27T10:13:00.000-05:00

I wasn't sure of my expectations for this movie. I have enjoyed Roberto Rodriguez films, regardless of genre, but i haven't seen his last few collaborations with Quentin Tarantino.
Turns out I loved this movie. It was exactly what I needed to watch towards midnight. It reminded me a bit of the Mexican Narco films which depict violence, beautiful women, and over the top acting.
And I unashamed to say that I loved the secondary theme of immigration rights and Austin setting.
It felt as if Rodriguez was home and hadn't forgotten his roots, while attempting to blend in his current style. I think i might dl some Mexican movies although those I will probably have to buy at the pulga since I don't think they are that popular. *l*
Related to film and attempting to watch more movies is the idea that I am at a personal standstill. I go through this every so often. I feel I haven't accomplished much and I try a new venture which usually is only half fulfilled. At this point I am hoping to make a "fake" zine, but actually publish it...so it's not completely fake. I don't know if this has to do anything with my personal life, but I'm trying to create a positive and creative environment. The problem is that I don't find to many people whom I can be myself with. Or maybe the problem is that I am trying to be to much of myself while keeping it to solely a creative aspect would be the best option. I don't know (as always) and I will try new ideas and projects (as always), and like most other times i will find a waste of time to keep me preoccupied until I am a mess again.
I'm feeling a bit happier now *after advising some students and planning out a small project* but I have to keep this up. I need to take care of home chores as well. Perhaps that bogs me down quite a bit as well.
Today is my opportunity to be creative in class. Tonight I will watch some Death Note and hopefully finish it by the end of the week. No new writing of poetry as of now, but I am developing ideas. Tomorrow I will have a sample draft.

Some days

2011-06-26T10:26:00.001-05:00

I pretend I am alone because it makes companionship easier.
I started reading Richard Rodriguez' third book, Brown: The Last Discovery, and he seems to have changed his stance on identity. I haven't read but a few pages but it seems as though his concept of Brown developed into a cause, originating from a sense of alienation. But I am still unconvinced at this point, mostly because he continously uses the term "Brown" as if we are a flat color. My response is "We are not all Brown" and should not be subjected to one color. We are from all shades and backgrounds. Do not paint us plain. Tenemos herman@s de diferente paises. But I am in the first few pages, and so this is an initial reaction. I will post a picture of the book and more thoughts soon.

Rough

2011-06-22T10:59:00.001-05:00

two days I have had. Not on a large scale, just compared to what I am used to. For one reason or another I am not a great handyman, which puts me at a disadvantage when anything home like breaks down. I tried my best to fix them, but usually they are temporary fixes or make the whole situation worse. Such is the case with my central air and kitchen clog. It's gotten to the point where I am seeking professional help.
But that's not what this post is about, this post is about venting. It's about wanting more help at home and not finding it. It's believing I work hard and do a good job and not being believed in. It's about feeling alone.
So my frustrations haven't been about the central air or the drain, but more so not receiving the help.

On a poetry note, I read for one of my friends ENG course and I had a great time. It actually made me forget about all of the above. After moments like these I wish i could write/research all the time. But i have this need/fear to have a steady income. That and I tried looking for a job in teaching but with budget cuts, universities are not hiring. Anyways, I talked to the class about being Pocho and what it means to be a Border Pocho, so I think they enjoyed realizing that we are different here in deep south texas (not san antonio...further down...lol). I think the class was able to relate to me. that makes me happy. i had a good time. Thank you friend. You believe in me.

Last Night

2011-06-02T10:31:00.000-05:00

I got together with friends at a poetry reading and with one started talking about poetry. We want to create a text-book; a poetry book made up of text poems. The idea of a text poem is not new as follows:

http://bygonebureau.com/2010/01/15/text-message-poetry/

http://books.guardian.co.uk/games/mobilepoems/0,9405,450649,00.html

But, how are we able to create something more precise and creative.

1. specific guidelines
2. incorporation of code switching
3. inclusion of text shorthand

Some ideas, but hopefully we create a small booklet for this project. Nothing to big, but we need ideas and means of production. It's time to get creative, although I'm still hoping my Summer I class makes.

I need to submit to a collection being produced. The deadline is June 15th. I need to submit real soon.

Just those thoughts on my mind right now. Maybe this will be considered a text poem by some phone company standards.
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we bought some
love last night
and in the morning
left outside in
humidity, love
turned into rotten
frowns and
unanswered calls

Competition

2011-05-24T16:52:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I enjoy it, other times I don't. Right now I'm not enjoying it so much. I sent four poems off for publication and received 4 rejections. Not bad (i feel), since I have been working a lot on chapbooks and teaching. Then I find out another poet (whom I respect) was given the "acceptance" letter.
Okay, now I feel bad. Partly because they were chosen over me, and secondly because it makes me feel unsure of my poems. I'll get over it, but I hate being overlooked. But that person deserves it and this is about what is missing in my poetry or what I'm doing wrong. I just don't like that I'm not able to get my word out about the valley (rgv).
I have to work on my poetry. I think i'm sending sub par poems. It's not the focus of my life right now. Too many focuses, but enjoying helping others publish and teaching. But then I feel bad for not keeping up with poems.

agh, frustration.

Otra Vez

2011-05-20T08:34:00.001-05:00

I have been thinking about posting, but didn't have the real ganas to do so. Mixed emotions lately with working at Community College and enjoying my first teaching experience for ENG. Not enjoying the speculation which comes with being adjunct faculty and if there will be a job available during the Fall semester. Luckily I have a job at University, so I don't have to worry so much about finances. But mostly feel sad that what if not being offered a class in Fall means that I didn't do a good job. I hate failing.

Poems have been at a standstill. Understandable with work(s) and my production of three chapbooks this semester (for local non-profit organizations)...when I say it that way, it sounds good for a resume. lol Going back to poetry I haven't written much and have received a few more rejections. If i wasn't so busy with work and publishing chapbooks, it would hurt a lot more. Anyways, I went on a trip to San Antonio for their "First Friday" Art Walk. It was amazingly packed with good products/paintings/people. Unfortunately, some people always get trampled in a crowd, and for me that turned out to be the workers. I talked to one restaurant worker while a game was on tv. I would tell him the score since he couldn't see it from where we were standing, which wasn't to far away from the tv. He told me about how these nights turn out and some quick references to his family. Amongst the painting and cultural references, I felt closest to him. I understood him most and felt he gave me more to think about than much else. When I got back to the hotel I wrote a poem dedicated to him. Aqui esta (first draft):

Un Pocho en San Antonio's "First Friday"

lo que no tenemos siempre se parece
mas. y lo que no cay es mas pesado.
pero no miramos la manera
que los cocineros
sus ninos con la abuela
hasta la 1.
que piensa esto es una fiesta
de musica y bebidas
pero esto es fiesta
de customers
preguntando por especiales
que no se van hasta
la 1. Fiesta donde
a wrong turn
grabs the attention
of police.
esto no es solamente una fiesta.

immaculatelbg's photostream

2011-04-22T09:27:00.001-05:00

immaculatelbg's photostream on Flickr.

Testing out this post. Barrio Decay photos just uploaded.

It's Official

2011-04-19T10:49:00.005-05:00

i will be taking part in the Social Justice and Peace Conference/Exhibition 2011 (3rd Annual) being held at the University of Texas - Pan American. The schedule has not been posted up yet for the public, but it should be soon. The following is the panel I will be a part of, along w/ my amigo Gabriel H. Sanchez.

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De Pocho a Chicano, y Back: Poetry y Platica

Isaac Chavarria & Gabriel H. Sanchez, The Raving Press

During the Mexican Revolution, the mass of immigrants to the United States were disdainfully labeled “pocho” by Mexicanos in la patria. To a Mexicano, the pocho’s immersion into American culture meant rejection of Mexico itself. Decades later the Chican@ arose from a generation demanding an empowering identity. In particular, life among the south Texas border area and regions with high populations of Mexican Americans has fostered a new generation unfamiliar with the alienation and lack of rights encountered by their Chicano@ predecessors. Yet, the nuevo pocho generation has recontextualized what it is to immerse in the American culture. While doing so, they have also infused society with a new awareness of the Mexican American identity.

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I am excited but still need to complete some of the work of finalizing the project. I'm sure all will go well, but right now i'm just tired from work & teaching at night. Along with that, I have committed myself to helping at least 2 groups with their chapbooks. And somewhere along those tasks, I'm trying to improve my photography as well as use it towards social awareness(not parties)related events.

But do i say no? lol of course not because keeping busy and doing as much as possible is my joy. Oh, but let's not go on this route of pensamiento.

What I wanted to say/ask was 1. I am trying to create a short video presentation as a promo for the conference. 2. As part of the video, I want people to respond to the question "What is a Pocho?"

I'm looking forward to the video, although it shouldn't be my first priority. I will post it on here and facebook.

If you have a response to the questions, please comment/email.

Party

2011-04-11T15:52:00.000-05:00

@ my house went well. It was a poetry party of sorts, although the poetry only lasted but a few minutes. Still good. I had fun although I feel a bit guilty for not being the best host. I didn't do any of the cooking and realized until the next day that I didn't put out extra drinks. I think i was just happy to have company over, and many people who I didn't know. Quite a bit of kids as well from the guest as well, but I had no problem with that. Wish it could happen again, but I doubt it will. I was happy then. I feel like I am not active enough, but hosting an event/party is good. Besides that life is good. I am on a beer-fast, which means no beer until May 21st, the significance of the day being a relay marathon I was planning to participate in. With the race no longer in my plans, I still plan on keeping my fast, and perhaps minimizing my beer drinking. Sometimes I think I use beer as a nightcap when I really don't need one, or in an attempt to relax, when all it does is sedates me. I feel happy with not having drunk a beer in the past 2/3 weeks. I can't remember when I decided to stop. I still have a drink of wine or sake, but even then, it's not much.
I need to do more for me as well. Sometimes much of my time is spent helping others or worrying about their happiness that I don't make myself happy. that's the motto for this week: make yourself happy (or make myself happy).

"Quiznos Coupon Giveaway"

2011-03-28T14:31:00.002-05:00

DSC_0218 a photo by immaculatelbg on Flickr.

Members of the community gathered as a show of support for Florida farm workers, who are asking the Quiznos company to pay an additional penny per pound for Florida round tomatoes supplied to its U.S. restaurants. McAllen, TX

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This weekend I went to the demonstration stated above and took photographs. Lately I have been wanting to take photographs in different settings and people, rather than the subjects: family/parade/randomness. This was a great opportunity and I figured I could help the group as well if they could use the photographs for some publicity. They seem to have enjoyed the pictures I took and I volunteered for any future events they may have. I think there is one on May 4th, so I'm looking forward to that (if I go, which I hope I can).
Besides the event I met with my friend to prepare for the Social Justice conference in April, held at UT Pan American. We need to get together soon since it's just about time tune up our presentation.

Last Night

2011-03-18T10:17:00.002-05:00

I was thinking about "pocho" again and how to explain the idea of a modern day pocho. Point is I figured changing the spelling will indicate a change in philosophy/belief as well. If we continue to see it as "pocho" with similar spelling, I don't think the message is illustrated as well. I want to use the spelling of "poxo" but I realize as well that it can be confusing and difficult to pronounce. Yet, as my friend said it, "I do appreciate the idea of it representing the change of attitude toward the word. The x is sacred and purifies all with its symbolism and its uses in the spelling of mexican concepts..." Dude gets it, but he also told me it was likely confusing for others. lol

But i am the stubborn type and i'm willing to give it a shot to see if it can catch on. But I am also concerned it doesn't reflect the audience I am trying to reach and represent, which are those who are not scholars or in academic setting. I need to think about this. I am willing to fail at my attempt. When it comes to taking risks in academics and poetry, I'm more willing to than in real life. *I just used the words "willing" and "academic" too many times.*

I was online reading some blogs also and they looked like good people to contact. Getting to know others is crucial to getting these words out. I think I might get a new website. Not for blogging, but for the "poxo" idea. I'll keep thinking of different spellings, but I like this one. I looked up some information on search engines and poxo turns up a manufacturing company of sorts as well as a lot of personal pages from persons mostly from Spain (and Chile). I can only assume they are using it with the pronounciation I am using, but I don't know how their meanings differ compared to mine. More research waiting for me.

I am going to contact a friend in Spain to see if she can help out. I hope so. Thinking and thinking to do.

Bored

2011-03-17T11:52:00.000-05:00

is the same as being uninspired, when at work. I have plenty of time to do whatever I like, but being here (work) is to depressing. I think this is going to be a short one. It is to pessimistic.
Positive: I submitted to BorderSenses and hopes that goes well. One of the poems I changed up quite a bit because I didn't think the original poem told any type of story. I feel more comfortable with that aspect of the poem, but also felt I had to change much of the tone/sound from the original, which I enjoyed. It probably means that it is not complete yet.

I want change in my life. It's not working out as I hoped.

Spring Break

2011-03-12T20:03:00.000-06:00

cleaning. It's what has become of me at 31. lol But good has come from it today as I was cleaning a "memory" box in storage. I found some pictures my older brother drew about 17 years ago, during his high school years. Back then I wouldn't have identified my brother as a Chicano, mostly because I saw him as a Cholo or Break dancer. Those two weren't related for me. I don't fault myself since at that time I was barely entering my teen years. I didn't think about identity then, as I do now. But his drawings tell me a lot about him and how he saw himself. Even though I am older then when he formed this identity, I also have a sense of pride in being Pocho, although I do not believe most people would accept being marked as such. Enough writing, take a look at his drawings.

Rants & Raves

2011-03-11T16:52:00.000-06:00

sections on Craiglist.org is interesting, mostly because of the idiotic comments that are posted. Considering I live in an area which is 90% Mexican American, I imagined more sensitivity towards people of Mexican heritage. Not quite. I have responded to a few, being polite and attempting to at least show them my opinion, but they usually keep degrading MA's. Here are some of the posts by others:

1. Car shows in the valley are the stupidest things in the world to go to.

2. The skies in the valley are not "beautiful".

You can find "beautiful" skies elsewhere.

3. Lunar eclipses occur much more often elsewhere in the world.

Stop making a list of the what-you-think is "cool" in the valley.

That list is bullshit.

Shut the fuck up and eat your own shit.

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To the man who said Mcallen has a possibly thriving arts district.

Don't sit there and say that McAllen now understands the need for culture and art. The only thing anybody is interested in, in the valley, is to better themselves financially.

Art and culture isn't selling pointless knick knacks on a street once a month. Art isn't wannabe white girls dressing like a dumb fuck hipster running a boutique.

Culture isn't rude, negligent, or "valley type".

The closest culture to the valley people is the mexican culture...but god forbid you say that "tejanos" are "mexican". they get so pissed. TAKE A fucking geography and history class and realize that Texas was mexico not that long ago.

But anyways.

Art in Mcallen, let alone the valley is run by fake ass people...who are only interested in their own life, not spreading culture and art.

You insult me saying that you've lived in California before.

I'm from LA... where culture and art is vibrant, where the people are lively and vibrant.
You need lively and vibrant people for culture and outstanding art.
Valley people are rude, selfish, and irritable.... far from lively and vibrant.
Shut the fuck up and realize that the valley needs to change one thing.

The PEOPLE

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If you want to see it for yourself, visit the site: http://mcallen.en.craigslist.org/rnr/

I have started to view it everyday. It keeps me from being bored and sometimes I am inspired to keep living here and trying to change that perception of Rio Grande Valley. As well as wanting to create a stable outlet for creative writing and art. :-) I can do it (with help).

So, wherever you are from. Please appreciate the people & the history.

I Promise Not to Vent

2011-03-08T08:51:00.000-06:00

today. I could, but I won't. Another semi-rejection from Rio Grande Review, which is somewhat disappointing. But then I thought about the poems I submitted and I'm wondering to myself why I haven't submitted some of my shorter, yet stronger (in my belief) poems. I'll give those a try since I haven't had much with recent poems.

Biggest (& Best) news of late is my plans to work w/ my friend Gabriel in another conference being held at UTPA, titled the Social Justice and Peace Conference 2011. They deserve to be linked:

Visit SJP 2011

Previously we participated in a conference titled Pocho y Chicano: Criado por la Misma Valle, but to focus more on pocho there will be changes to the title and likely the material. At this point i'm thinking of using the title De Pocho a Chicano, y Back. I like that title, but it sounds as if I have heard something similar. I'm almost certain. If you know, please let me know because I don't want to be made the fool. lol

Now comes to the part about trying to tie this idea with social justice and peace. I have some ideas, since they are open to literature/ideas on the border. Which is a favorite subject of mine as a lifelong border resident. But also as part of my pocho identity I have to deal with borders within the United States, as in the Falfurrias Border Patrol Checkpoint. At any point trying to go up to San Antonio, Austin, etc, the checkpoint must be passed through. And even though I have never been pulled over, it always makes me feel as if I'm not a full U.S citizen unless I can pass that checkpoint without any problems. I always fumble with the questions they ask, especially "Where are you coming from", which is funny in a sense because I'm coming from down south. lol Where else? But I am always cautious of my answers, since if I say "Alton", where I am really coming from, I don't know if they will recognize the town, which will then to lead more questions. Why I have this sense of paranoia, I'm not sure, but I do remember in my teen years how my brother was asked to pull to the side so they could check the vehicle. My brother, prieto, driving a rented vehicle, with his Mexican (pero blancita) wife and their two blancito kids. Now that I'm thinking about it, having to cross a border checkpoint so you can travel to larger cities can feel traumatic. For others (many), it's a part of life. They don't question it. I understand why it's there. I don't understand why they aren't everywhere. I don't know why it feels we are the only ones.

Relief

2011-02-28T10:08:00.000-06:00

is here. I feel so much better after finishing up the NACCS Conference. It was a good experience to speak at a more scholarly level than what I am used to. It wasn't without its mistakes, but like is always said, "a start". Speaking at NACCS with my Raving Press buddy also introduced us to many others, although we need business cards and I can't believe we didn't take any. We have been out of it (getting together and actually working on publishing a project) for so long we weren't in sync in that sense. However, we seem to think similarly or be able to bounce ideas of off each other so that worked well as usual. It also gave us something to do (conferences) and it freshened up our working relationship.
Now we are planning more conferences, like the Social Justice conference held at UT-Pan American on April 29th. We are likely to get some work in during a poetry festival down here in the RGV. And this weekend we are getting together to start submitting to publications. Sounds like fun. lol....fun for writers. I have started gathering information on some magazines/journals which are looking for submissions and I'm hoping to get published again. When I first started submitting it seemed like I couldn't get rejected. Now, I am struggling to be published. I think i'm starting to feel the rejections a bit more although I work full time and have volunteering on the side, so i'm not using it as a source of income or means of trying to build up my work. But i do want to get published.

Here is a picture of Gabriel and I during our first panel.

I think that is all i'm thinking about. Now i have to get back to teaching and other small tasks I have, running a volunteer session is one of them. I'm always nervous when going in front of a group, but most often when I feel I am not prepared. I'm not prepared right now.

A New Day

2011-02-22T15:34:00.001-06:00

seems to be the attitude I will have to take each day. Will I go through the seven stages of (job) loss? I am about to turn the corner on anger, but I don't know what comes next.

I'm trying to keep busy and feed my creative side. At the moment I am helping a friend produce some chapbooks, meaning I'm making the copies and putting them together. Before that though I had created the layout and helped w/ revision. I love creating chapbooks. Seriously. Those sometimes cheap looking booklets have a lot of charisma in comparison to many books I have come across.

This is the cover:

The chapbook is called Vidas Cruzadas, translating to "crossed lives". It is a collection of poems created by women in a halfway house located in the Rio Grande Valley. Most of the women spoke Spanish and likewise, there is Spanish in the chapbook. Unfortunately I wasn't able to participate in the poetry workshops, but I was happy to help produce the chapbook.

I would have liked to create a chapbook for my upcoming panel in the National Association for Chicana and Chicano Studies(NACCS)Tejas Regional Conference, but I don't think I have the time. I have to teach on Wednesday, plan on Thursday, and the conference is Friday morning. In addition I am working full-time, so that means "no time".

must keep busy.
----------------------------

Reynosa II

In my grandfather’s house
mamá was in the kitchen
dad in abuelo's room.

They talked
como coyotes enojados
and all i could catch
from his berrinche was
"no, es que"

y estos días digo
después de odiarlo

no, es que

     los ricos no entienden

no, es que

     no nos dejan

no, es que

     nos mienten

no, es que

     siempre seremos pobres

no, es que

     ella está enojada

no, es que

     no es lo mismo

no, es que

     en los estados unidos es diferente

no, es que

     ya no es mi hijo

no, es que

     somos hechos de vicios

no, es que

     no se que decir

Low Point

2011-02-21T09:08:00.001-06:00

wouldn't be the exact word for this portion of my life, but for the sake of being over dramatic i'll stick to it.

I just found out I was not accepted to the CantoMundo 2011 writing workshops. I'm disappointed for two reasons: first, I had forgotten I applied and secondly, obviously I didn't get in. This produces a bit of poet envy in me because now I want to know who actually got in. And this becomes dangerous because work is compared and trying to validate my rejection and their acceptance.
I actually thought I had a decent chance, but then again I haven't applied myself a lot to attending workshops, mainly because of full time work. But CantoMundo 2011 was going to be in Austin, so close and a favorite city of mine.

I hate rejection at this level. I don't mind being rejected from journals and magazines because those are numerous. But this workshop is once a year. I wish I could write to them and ask, "why exactly was I not chosen?" Primarily so I know where to improve.

Oh, well. I'll try to compensate by doing something else.

--------------------------------------------------------------

Reynosa I

hace quince años
caminaba con mis padres
en el centro

ellos fueron
a comprar queso
y aguacate

y yo fui
a chispas
para jugar
arcade games

antes cuando
simplemente
era un diversión
y yo no era
americano,
ni pocho
o chicano

cuando yo
era un niño
me gustaba
caminar entre
el centro
inadvertido

Outside

2011-02-20T16:17:00.000-06:00

And drinking a budweiser not sure what to think or do. I don't want to do anything else other than be outside or at home. This day somewhat feels like a waste of time. I didn't do much until 11 when I started reviewing a thesis for a friend. Two hours later I went to visit my mom who wasn't there, but my younger brother was. Then I cooked lunch and now I'm here. It doesmt feel like much.
Spending time alone makes me think to much. I enjoy it and hate it as well. The reason I know I won't go into teaching full time right now is because I'm not mature enough with my time. I always seem to waste it away. At some point today I thought about how I distance myself from everyone/most. But at the same time I try to do everything I can for them. I think I should do more for myself but I don't go through with it; id rather help someone.
It is a struggle figuring out what I really want. I want everything but I can't have it all, and sometimes I stop myself. I believe others give themselves a chance but I don't. I help out others here and there but I never(?) give myself the chance to fail. Not to say I don't do things, but I do safe, creative things.
As you can see there has been a lot of thinking lately.

When the south
texas freeze lifted
I was left
a burned and decrepid
tulipan.

Withered leaves
on limp arms,
a marching soldier
picking my last
spring.

Dissapointing News

2011-02-18T17:35:00.000-06:00

about the job i was hoping to get. Turns out because of Texas budgeting I may not get the job at all, and in best case scenario about 2 months. That may not seem long but I already had my office pretty much packed. sucks. there are more words to describe what i'm feeling but those sum it up.
They said they had enough budget for one year but that was all. I was willing to take that risk, but I was advised not to. Wish i would have received different advice, but perhaps it was for the best. Right now i'm just upset with the situation and wondering how i will do it. this past year has been stressing on me and i haven't felt creative as before. I want help being creative but i'm not getting it. I wanted to be more like myself, but it's not happening. I have to try a different approach because I am stubborn sometimes and at other times lazy. I want too much.

On the bright side i'm so pissed I feel like writing.

we switched roles
your the doctor
i'm the crosswalk volunteer
after here you'll buy
a six pack of the cheapest
in my house
i don't feel at home

no trades,
just new perspectives
and we will
love our lives again.

----ah, to write crappy poetry----

Stress

2011-02-17T10:14:00.000-06:00

starting. Presentations and work. But idle hands are the devils plaything? I'm not sure if that's accurate but I think it's true. Best to keep myself busy.
Anyways, I realized that if I had to much free time I wouldn't do much with it, meaning I'm not motivated to work on my poems or do enough on my own (for ex. around the house). When I am busy, then I feel a greater urgency to accomplish more.

Still, no new poems. I haven't placed photos here either. Two omissions.

Oh, still waiting to hear from the job which i was quietly told i was likely getting. Still waiting is torture. It is doubt and paranoia.

Have I thought of anything important lately? no. i think i might have writers block. not good.

*couldn't think of anything this hour*

Day Off

2011-02-11T11:52:00.000-06:00

Means time to do chores. Some small chores like eyeglasses and going to STC to turn in paperwork at HR and realizing all of STC is officially closed...something I had reminded myself of just yesterday. Bad memory.
Then a meeting with Faculty mentor to review volunteer at JCCC. This is more of a short post than a blog. I'm going to include more pictures in here because I was looking at older posts and I enjoyed how I incorporated photos with my own poems and such. I need to start writing again, and start submitting more poems. I should make of list of "Things I Should Do", but I really don't think it will be of much help. Another post later tonight, with a photo.

This Month

2011-02-08T14:23:00.000-06:00

will be busy. Not because I have so much to do, but more because I think about it to much trying to think of different scenarios. I plan for the worst, best, situations in between. It's tiring. I daydream a lot, and worry as much.

February's Schedule:
1. Concert
2. Poetry Reading
3. Volunteer Meeting
4. Class Meeting
5. School Presentation
6. Conference
7. Full time work & Half time work

Is this a lot? I'm sure others can do it without a second thought but I have to many thoughts. I consider myself lucky though that these tasks keep me busy...and I have work. I probably should just think less. When I read my post I realize I repeat myself a lot. I do the same when I lecture in class, which is boring of course, but I need for them to understand. I probably repeat myself in all aspects.

A poem? Maybe just to get something out.

I gave up
safety.
I gave up
resistance.
I sent
myself
into dark
spirals.
I placed
myself
in Pandora’s
grasp.
------------------

I'm not feeling anyting extra Mexicano today. I did see a photo at South Texas College in McAllen, TX which I thought funny. I don't think it needs an explanation.

Cambio

2011-02-06T08:55:00.000-06:00

For me, trying to get my head straight, trying to be less like my father who was unfaithful to my mother. Wondering if it can still be the same. Why did i do this to myself?

That's my confession.

And in the meanwhile I have to prepare for the NAACS conference. I hope it works out, although I should have done better to change the title. I made a mistake with that, and that's a lesson for next time. Going to meet with my partner soon and hope we can work through a good chunk of our presentation. I haven't done much else besides be here and not do much else. I haven't done much besides existing. It sucks. Because it makes me feel lazy (since I am being lazy). Do writer's often have overwhelming feelings of underachievement? I did finish a job interview on Thursday, but as I was doing it I started thinking if it was the right job for me. I also pretty much told them that I was looking at a 5 year plan and then deciding which other areas were avaialable to me. Is that the right thing to say during an interview? lol I'm thinking not, but maybe they realize I have a plan. They are interviewing someone else on Monday and maybe they will decide within the end of the week.

More change I hope. I'll just work on the conference and see what happens.

-im sorry-

Too Much

2011-01-23T17:42:00.000-06:00

to drink a day ago, Bacardi 151 and Coke made me start thinking about my father who is somewhere. Meaning I don't know where he is and haven't really seen or talked to him in a few years. I was watching youtube videos of classic mexican songs like "el canoero" y "la sirena" when I started watching Rigo Tovar's "Mi Matamoros Querido" and it wasn't so much the song, but the image of Tovar. I don't have a picture of my dad on me right now, but he was somewhat short, not stocky, but a slightly larger build, curly hair, and dark. If you see the video, you'll realize that I was bringing up memories of my dad as I was watching the video. I cried.
But if you ask me why, exactly...i don't know. Right now I don't miss my father. I hardly think of him. He wasn't a great father. Unfortunately, I can't remember my exact feelings that night, but I know it was because of him.
Maybe because I haven't figured him out yet is why I feel sad. It could be that I won't be able to say goodbye when he has passed on. Right now, I feel it's because I see parts of his behavior and mannerisms within myself.
Maybe I cried from fear.

Almost Time

2011-01-16T12:21:00.000-06:00

for the semester to begin, this one being extra special since I start teaching ENG 1301 at the local community college. I should be working on the syllabus right now, but somehow when I have an urgent task I seem to get motivated to clean and rearrange. lol
It wasn't all bad since I did clean up my roses. And somehow, with all I have to do, I decided to pick another book from my "library" to read this week. Staying busy makes me happy. Not having anything to do is sad.
So the book I chose is A Fabricated Mexican by Rick P. Rivera, where once more a young man with Mexican origins struggles with his ethnicity living in the United States. Sometimes it feels like I am reading the same story again. lol The plot is important but the setting interest me the most. I learn more by studying where the character has grown up (texas/california usally)and the differences in the family.
I wont be reading today, but tomorrow looks like a good day to sit outside and read.
No writing as of yet. To much thinking to focus on writing. Although, I need to start submiting. And I just realized I missed an important submission deadline. damn. Have to do better.

Book Completed

2011-01-13T09:03:00.001-06:00

I finished reading The Rain God by Arturo Islas. It was a confusing book for me, the way the family characters came in and out of the story. Perhaps there weren't that many, but I couldn't grasp the family tree as well, which I think took away from my enjoyment of the novel. I think it is representative of a type of Mexican family living in the U.S, but it wasn't similar to mine. Perhaps that's why I felt I was reading somebody else's life and I wasn't able to lose myself in the book. Maybe because it was so short, I didn't get to connect to each character well enough. I enjoyed the book but not enough to enthusiastically recommend it. It was a complex mixture of sexuality, family dynamics, and death. Thinking now about it, it's interesting how the entire book focuses on the family rather than outsiders effect on the family. It's a good book, very deep, and "unapologetic". This book would have been good for a discussion because of the numerous relationships to unravel. Happy I read it, although I was supposed to have done so about a year ago. Sorry Dr. M.

I haven't chosen a next book to read, but I'm also looking into submission deadlines. I need to take care some of that before I go reading more. Doing more this year, I'm serious. I took about a 6 month break from being "creative" and I missed it. I always need a bit of a push, but I think it's time I put myself out there a bit more, lost some of that fear of failure (in respect to conferences and my place in the scholarly worlds).

Also, I'm almost a lecturer, right? Well, I might be getting a new full-time job within the next few months. I hope so. I need some change. imu

Officially (Almost)

2011-01-11T20:22:00.000-06:00

A lecturer (ENGL 1301). That's my new title at the local community college. Can you believe it, me? some random person from Alton, who studied biology and went from one random job to another. That's me. This new title could possibly change my life. It might motivate me enough to dream more (than i do) and go through with it. Conferences, publications, networking.

[i'm addicted to "16 and pregnant" on MTV]

I feel proud of myself. I am doing this. I applied, I wasn't afraid and I didn't back away. and I think I can do more in the future. I'm respected [and probably soon disrespected by students. lol]. I even thought of going back for a few hours of Biology so i could teach college level biology, although the truth is that its difficult, but i do like challenges.

[my first semester as a graduate student in biology i had a panic attack and never went back]

Change is coming soon, and maybe I can be involved in that change. I can do this (since technically i haven't started teaching just yet). I took a look at the required textbook and the essays are basic ones. I can use supplemental readings and the question is how can i bring in Mexican American, Chicano/a, Poch@ ideas into the mix? ---Machicho? Sure why not (for now). Como puedo usar las ideas Machich@s?

[i looked up Machich@ and couldn't find anything to solid]

Can I make a difference because that's my goal. I need to make a difference and reach my audience. students are my audience. This is going to be good.

Select Pocho Definitions

2011-01-09T20:15:00.001-06:00

I'm finally getting the opportunity to write about pocho a bit. The following are definitions I found during my thesis research. I was hoping to use the following as part of the thesis but realized it was getting to scholarly and wasn't reflecting on my poetry as necessary.
But, I am interested in the history of "pocho" and its definition which has slightly changed over a long period of time. My biggest question is why it hasn't changed. Does it offend Chicano/a's? Why hasn't "pocho" become an empowering image?

Here are the definitions w/ sources cited:

1949: “a dialect roughly in southern Arizona, southern California and the upper part of Sonora, Mexico. Ex. pedir raite (hitch-hike)” (Hayes 48).

1965: “A derogatory label given by Mexican nationals to persons of Mexican de- scent born in the U.S.” (Perales 100).

1968: “Students who are about half Mexican and half Anglo; they speak a hodge- podge which is known in Mexican communities as pocho” (Hernandez 88).

1980: “bastardized” (Solis 44).

1980: “low-class Mexican American” (Berk-Seligson 100).

Sources

Berk-Seligson, Susan. "A Sociolinguistic View of the Mexican-American Speech Community: A Review of the Literature." Latin American Research Review 15.2 (1980): 65-110. Electronic.

Hayes, Francis C. "Anglo-Spanish Speech in Tampa, Florida." Hispania 32.1 (Feb., 1949): 48-52. Electronic.

Hernandez, Luis F. "Teaching English to the Culturally Disadvantaged Mexican-American Student." The English Journal 57.1 (Jan., 1968): 87-122. Electronic

Perales, Alonso M. "The Audio-Lingual Approach and the Spanish-Speaking Student." Hispania 48.1 (March, 1965): 99-102. Electronic

Solis, Theodore. "Munecas de Chiapaneco: The Economic Importance of Self-Image in the World of the Mexican Marimba." Latin American Music Review / Revista de Música Latinoamericana 1.1 (Spring - Summer, 1980): 34-46. Electronic

Something I take from the sources are the various groups it refers to: students, music, language, nationality, and adopted country. There is a complexity when referring to "pocho" and I do not believe to be simply a derogative term. On the surface the insults might seem uninspired, but I see a lot of tension and social discrimination.

Thoughts for now, but I'm hoping there is enough to do more research and reach some sort of conclusion/concept.

[end transmission]

Changes?

2011-01-06T13:58:00.001-06:00

Next month or two might bring changes.
1. applied for a adjunct ENG position at local community college
2. applied for full-time position at Writing center at current college
3. co-worker might quit.

I'm happy with all three, but the ones most important are # 1 & 2. Focus on those since they may mean more responsibility for me, and I think it's about time. I'm getting tired of sitting at a desk all day. It doesn't even help me write. At a meeting a few days ago i lost interest and attempted to write a poem but nothing came out of it. My writing lately has improved but is also less frequent. I should work on revisions and submitting mostly. I have a presentation in a few minutes so i'm going to make this short. Also, I apologize for not doing the "pocho" definitions yesterday. I was feeling old and fell asleep before 10pm.
I'm going to end with a poem I drastically revised for a reading at a local cafe/eatery. The poem is based on pulga (aka flea market) experiences.

encontré

ramienta, buganvilias
piratas y cojidas

busco de todo
que es taboo

la virgen y la santísima
los sobadores
la idioma de la patria
illegales, trabajadores, padres

ven a mirar
lo que te falta

rusted tonka trucks
peliculas gay
entre platanos y papayas
mi papa con la otra

Canto Mundo

2011-01-05T16:32:00.000-06:00

I just realized I haven't talked about applying to Canto Mundo. It was a bit last minute and I am optimistic I will be chosen, although the reality is that I won't. My poems could use some extra work (i always think that, do you?) and I'm not sure if I fit their criteria. They mention identifying with Latino/a, but i'm trying to identify with poch@. That is my project for the year. Create a description and identity for poch@, just as Latino/a and Chicano/a have earned their titles. Maybe I should just start writing about poch@ based on my thesis work. I need to review all the definitions i obtained. I hope I still have that work and I wasn't stupid and deleted it. I will check later tonight and post on the topic again.

On another note, I'm running a 10K this weekend which means no drinking. I am mentioning that so I stay away from alcohol, even though poch@ research would go well with it. After Saturday.

Cliche New Start

2011-01-02T18:40:00.000-06:00

The new year started off with "a bang". Here's a list:
a. brother almost blew his face off with fireworks. (he's fine, no damage other than a really good scare)
b. Had a get together at Poch@'s.

That's actually the end of the list, which should require three items (next time).

But I want to expand on the idea of poch@ this year. Maybe attend some seminars and such. I'm hoping to. I'm also wanting to make D&I house more of a hang out for artist (and others). I want people to have fun, I want to have fun. Fun = (another list)
1. movie nights
2. game nights
3. reading nights
4. cookouts are a required constant
5. random nights

That's what I want my place to be. I started off with the paintings and i'm hoping to get more done. Yes, today's post has nothing to do with literature, in the literal sense...?
Again, just ideas that I am trying to complete this year. Maybe a resolution is to finish what i start. That sounds good. complete it. finish it. network. do more. do more.don't let work get me down. be more positive/strict with myself. i can do it.

thank you for listenting...whoever you are. lol

"1st" Day of Vacation

2010-12-30T22:01:00.000-06:00

Finally, after a week off from work I feel as if I am on vacation. Vacations during holidays shouldn't count. Most of the time is spent preparing, attending, and recovering from holiday celebrations. Adding to the stress of Christmas (to much money spent), my neighbors mom passed away, as well as my friends mother. Those events took away some of the holiday spirit. But today was different: I cleaned in the morning, read a bit in the afternoon, and overall felt more productive. Perhaps the best part of the day was knowing that the paintings for my fence were completed. They look pretty awesome. I'm happy and here are the photos.

I can't wait to show these off. lol But i still need other renovations for the house. It's a start. I wanted something artistic. But knowing that the paintings were complete made me so happy. I'm going to finish reading Rain God tomorrow, it's likely. It's starting to pick up as far as suspense...i feel a dramatic conclusion coming up.

Starting Over

2010-12-29T08:38:00.000-06:00

Another set of months without a post, although I have been doing so with facebook. Blogger doesn't get as good responses though, as far as immediate. But it is more of a journal/diary and allows me to write more. A lot of changes in life, but i'm not going to try and catch readers up with everything. Just the most important ones (or those I have dwelled on).
1. proposal
2. mother's illness
3. death of friends mom
4. vacation (that is not really vacation)

Eventually I might mention each. Currently im reading Rain God by Arturo Islas. I was supposed to read it for a graduate course, but I didn't have time start it. I started it again some time ago, but got as far as the first time I began reading it. This time around I'm finally getting farther. It's a good story, but not attracting my attention so much.
Sometimes I think I'm still trying to find an identity for this blog. Especially with all this time off, the first blog back is usually just to sort out what happened since last post.
No publications as of yet which somewhat worries me, but I think I will keep on trying until I get something. Two years I think since I was last published. That is probably to long and I should have kept submitting. Although I don't want to submit to strictly "chicano" publications. I want for my "pocho" theme to be accepted by more maintstream areas. But without a response from the publications I don't know why my poems are being rejected. In the meanwhile I will continue doing volunteering and creating chapbooks. Life is a little bit of everything, not all one passion.

Old Friend New

2010-09-15T13:07:00.000-05:00

Have you ever thought you knew someone fairly well, until they show you their blog and you realize they are hardcore readers (more than you knew) and bloggers (including author interviews & giveaways), and they have their own bookmarks. Crazy, isn't it?

This is my friend Missie, and her blog:http://www.theunreadreader.com/

She deals with specific genres (some which I don't read), but reading is reading, and I didn't start off reading Chicano literature. I began by reading UFO books, comics, and the back of basketball cards.

So, please take the time to read her funny and witty blogs.

Reading

2010-09-14T08:54:00.003-05:00

I finished reading Gwendolyn Zepeda's To the Last Man I Slept with and All the Jerks Just Like Him which turned out to be somewhat surreal: stories of ants smelling panties (it's true, but not easily admitted) and how living in a trailer park you still have a struggle for status. I know i enjoyed it for it's creativity and honesty, but I'm not sure what else I took from it. I don't do similar writing, as in short stories, so to use the same method in my poems might be difficult.
On another note, I enjoy reading novels and short stories more than poetry. Is that common? I hope it doesn't mean I am following the wrong path. lol
Continuing my reading, I have started on When I was Puerto Rican by Esmeralda Santiago. So far so good. Pretty much a description of life in Puerto Rico by the oldest daughter of a ever growing family. I'm waiting to see where it keeps going from my current spot. I also find myself reading a lot more female authors. Maybe they provide a different viewpoint i'm accustomed to by growing up in a single parent home? It's all just theory.

Life-wise, just waiting for two upcoming trips to Austin. Also hoping to find some teaching work for the next semester. I am okay right now money-wise, and the move isn't about money. I'm just trying to find something which gives me more time to volunteer and produce chapbooks. I can't work desk jobs anymore. Actually, I haven't really had a desk job. I think this is my first one, and turns out I don't like it. lol

Life is not at a stand still, but i expect more out of my 8-5 (9 hours) a day than sitting here. I love my job when i am able to advise students, but slow days are slow. bien despacito.

Which is where I am at now. and not having anything to do kills your spirit. Sitting here and waiting. terrible. I am working on a new poem while at work, pero no me da ganas a escribir.

---------------------------------------------

Sangre

de mi padre,
sangre que tal vez
es un poco de moreno
porque mi padre–
chino–
tiene ganchos
negros
que lastiman.

tengo sangre de machista
y infiel. la raza
de mi tío
asesinado por tener amante
olvidado por la ley
y sus hijos.

matrimonio
promesas
pelo corto
no pueden parar patillas
que se me enchinan

y los glóbulos de rojo,
blanco, y verde
es una mezcla
de corajudo,
silencio, y
deseo
peligroso.

Here we go again

2010-08-31T08:41:00.002-05:00

Last post I think was in May. It's about three months later. Things that have happened.

1. I graduated w/ my MFA in Creative Writing
2. I still have not fixed anything around the house.
3. My quitting work fantasies are starting to come more often.
4. I applied for a job teaching ENG courses at the local CC.
5. I decided not to pursue my PhD

I think that's it. kinda lame for three months. somewhat relaxing though. now i'm finally beginning to submit my poems for publication but sometimes i think it is to late, as far as my age. i just started my 30's, so i know its a bit to drastic of a thought, but i wish i knew this much in my 20's. i don't think i had the benefit of knowing what i really wanted.

I have to submit one poem today to the local newspaper. I will use Spanish only and wonder if they will publish it. the poem itself isn't bad. If you want an give it a shot, here is the link:

http://www.themonitor.com/articles/wants-28579-festiva-poem.html

I want to publish in 2 particular places.

1. In magazines which do not usually use poems that have code switching or chican@/poch@ themes.

2. publications which cater to not only the chican@/poch@, but those that are geared towards a wider community, for instance Lowrider magazine. Yes, I want to publish in Lowrider magazine. Why? I grew up reading/seeing the magazine, introduced to it by my brother. The poems I write about are about the persons in that magazine.

I want to reach my audience. What's the point of the person I write about don't know how important their lives have been to me?

If you are a poet, author, or anyone, let me know what you think. I enjoy talking to random people. I have tried to e-mail random authors, but I think they are too busy for anything more than a short response. lol

adios for now.
-ic

Fed up

2010-05-07T08:26:00.002-05:00

with work. Part of it has to be me, but for now I will put the blame all on work. It is not monotonous, so that isn't the problem. It's more how the conditions or the way in things are run haven't improved. Three years and this job has actually gotten worse. I would hope most jobs get better with time and as people learn "the ropes". Not so. Writing this blog is helping though.
If i could: I would quit this job. I would seriously consider a PhD program. I would travel some more. I would find a job where I feel more appreciated and there is a better bond with all the staff. I would find a job where I could be myself more. One where I didn't have to feel watched. I would look for the almost perfect job, because i don't really want perfection.
I'm listening to some pandora and that should help relieve some stress...especially with "Galapogos" by Smashing Pumpkins right now.
I need to relieve some stress.

Helicopters and Rain

2010-04-16T19:25:00.003-05:00

Recently the local news has run stories on helicopters circling random locations. The news stories usually attribute it to any of residential neighborhoods here in the Valley. Only recently was it announced that two of those sightings were attributed to the National Guard, which was patrolling the rio grande valley as part of Rick Perry's "Border Violence Spillover Contingency Plan". I searched for the details on this plan online and nothing. Most stories covered the stories and a few quotes by Perry about how this plan will help protect Texas residents. Exact details on on this "Plan" are not available because it seems to be literally a secret. I believe one quote stated how divulging the "Plan" will hinder its purpose. I have no idea how a plan to protect Texans involves helicopters. I don't know what type of technology these helicopters are equipped with but regardless i am doubtful that from that height, they are able to identify "Zetas" or whatever it is they are looking for [at this point we haven't been told of their targets either, most likely because telling us who we are being protected from may be divulging to much].
My fear is that this is the beginning and the end might include ground troops. In my opinion, there has been no spillover. Is this muscle flex for show? Much more, it seems that these helicopters were "mysterious" because the public was not informed of their presence. When will we be told about what is going on in our valley? In a strange twist, I am more fearful of the national guard and Perry's agenda than the Mexican cartels on the other side.

Here is the link to the helicopter story

In other news, it has rained most of the week. Good for the grass and my thoughts. It puts me in a pensive mood, as noted above. I have started to write more about my father which seems to be my "wall". I don't hate my father now because I never learned who he really was. The stories of my mother and up until the end of their marriage in my teen years are the only memories i can go on. But in my writing when I write about him I am able to see the connection to myself. I think that is mostly why he is the "wall". My father represents, in my eyes, a close likeness to myself. Sometimes I think I unintentionally aspired to be like him. He didn't seem close to anyone in the family, era un birinche, and felt others were ashamed of him. Does that describe me? Sometimes it does, and then I feel I am also like my mother, worrisome. I'm lucky to have their faults in me, because I am not alone, and neither are they. We can hate our family, but I don't see much point of it. I think there are more worthy people to hate (in most cases) than family. It seems to easy to hate family because they are part of our daily lives. How can we not dislike them at some point or another after spending so much time together? But I feel that my father is the person that I am most defined by. His presence, absence, and actions. I do not use the word influence in such as a positive term, but strictly neutral. My father has influenced me and I am just realizing it in my writing.

Multimedia message

2010-04-07T23:46:00.001-05:00

I turned in what should be my second to last thesis rough draft. I'm hoping it doesn't get to many corrections. With my poems, after reading them again, I don't feel they are strong. Maybe a few, but the majority need a lot of work. Sometimes I will come up with an idea, but I'm hesitant to reproduce styles like those of raul salinas and images in poem. But I just want to graduate...I'm tired.

Blast from the Past

2010-04-01T00:29:00.002-05:00

Yes, i just used that cliche. But it fits what happened in the past two days. I don't think throughout my life i have had many friends but the ones i do are important to me. And about two days ago i reconnected w/ the person whom i consider my first college friend. It's strange sometimes to go back to the past because it makes me think of how much time has changed me for better and worse. It's been so long. I think of what i have done in those 7 years since, and sometimes i think it wasn't much. There are things there, but maybe I have forgotten them. Anyways, I am happy to have my friend back. It's as if i have regained a chunk of my memories back...any little bit that someone can help me remember is good. Not sure where my point is going. I should be writing here more often, at least as a device for stress relief.
Final Thoughts: happy just to be getting closer to the end of the semester. i am almost there. then what? maybe teaching. at least i have a job right now. I can take my time with it a bit. maybe i can get published...but i really have to work on my poems.
Right now feels like a period of inconsistency? I can't find the right word. I haven't come up with any new poems, mainly focusing on the ones i have written.
Okay, this is going nowhere...lol
*gone*

Multimedia message

2010-03-05T09:47:00.001-06:00

Test for blog.

Just Read

2010-01-19T08:49:00.002-06:00

"Nade y Nade" by Evangelina Vigil, and for the most part I liked the poems. I can understand why my profes and others tell me my poetry is to short. Most of her poems in this collection are only a few (6-8) lines long. Le falta, y queria mas. The book is from the library so I made copies I could write on. Some of my favorite lines:

"no se cual es mas peligroso:
lo hondo
o la corriente"
(lo hondo)

"los chicanos
le tienen miedo a los indios"
(escame)

Looking at her poems published at 29 years old and the current styles of 30's people contrast the current focus on details and elaborateness. I enjoy the simplicity of the poems because her words can be interpreted by reader without being fed to many images by the reader. I try that with my own writing, but it's always about more and specific images. They want to see my world, but my poetry isn't just about my world. It's about words, what they mean to each person, and the change of context based on environments.

anyways, I liked her poems, but I see the need to elaborate. Otherwise, years from now they might appear to simplistic.

To Do List

2009-12-29T19:37:00.004-06:00

For some reason I have hesitated on my home "to do" list. It's not written but here are some which I can remember.

1. Fix Heat (this one I'm regretting right now as the weather is reaching the 50's)
2. Fix toilet from running
3. Fix washer
4. Fix water which somehow goes from kitchen sink to utility room
5. Repair roof

This has been my list for about the past year or so. Seems simple enough. I think I would be be better with the list if I knew how to fix any of these. Yes, I know, I'm being codo by not hiring someone to do this work for me. But in my younger years my dad never hired anyone. Maybe I feel I should be able to do the work myself, which takes forever. Sometimes I'm just lazy. I did finish one job: I was able to install some new lights.

I don't feel invested in the list. Right now I could be doing something towards the list and I'm watching The Benchwarmers which I'm starting to wonder how a movie about 3 adults playing against little league teams makes sense.

Por que no me siento vivo? Hace tres dias queria escribir algo como: 7 secretos en 7 dias solamente para decir algo que nunca puedo decir. Estoy feliz? Hay unos dias que si, pero en otros no. Aveces pienso que es depresion porque cambia como el vuelo de un cotorro. Creo que la lista le importa mas a mi pareja, pero no estoy seguro la manera que me afecta. Pero creo ya es suficiente sin hacer nada. En Enero comienzo con la lista pero esta vez llamandole a algien que sabe como reparar todas estas problemas. Y aver como la pareja reacciona. Si no es en manera feliz, pues no se.

Tal vez esta será mi primer secreto.

Social Networking

2009-12-10T15:27:00.005-06:00

is crazy, so I avoided it as long as I could. But now I am on facebook. If you want my contact information, just place a comment on here.

I haven't been in the mood so much to write, but at one reading it was said we should aspire to write every day. Lately I have aspired to forget that I have a thesis to complete. Not that I won't complete it, but I think just taking time to forget about it and go back. I have looked over some of my older poems and I wanted to place one on here since I haven't done that in a while. The poem I have in mind might have been written while I was in Austin. Just busy with holiday things so far. This blog is wandering like I do through most of the day. Confused about the possibility of a Ph.D program. Am I good enough or do I really want to complete it. It just might be que estoy buscando algo que hacer. Pero la verdad es que quiero publicar y quiero un negocio. Que chistoso, que las cosas que quiero tambien les tengo mucho miedo. Aver, voy a escribir el poema pero no es el original.

Sangre
que tengo de mi padre,
la sangre que tal vez
es un poco de moreno
porque a mi padre le dicen chino
tu cabello que es medio circulos
sobre cada uno.
tengo sangre de machista
y infiel. la sangre
de mi tio clemente
y hijos que si no son de una
son de otra.
sangre que me vuelve loco
porque no me la puedo sacar,
ni con palabras de matrimonio,
ni pelo que me corto.
de cualquier manera las patillas
se me enchina
y los glóbulos de rojo
blanco, y verde
es una mezcla
de corajudo,
silencio, y
tranquilidad peligrosa

12 minutes

2009-11-30T16:49:00.002-06:00

Until I can get out of work. And then I will be meeting w/ friend at Buffalo Wild Wings for some food, thought not wings, because it seems like such a little piece of meat. We will be watching Monday Night Football and me doing nothing more than relaxing before tomorrow, which I am taking off from work and hoping to productively use to cash my check and work on thesis. Yes, thesis which I avoided during the Thanksgiving break. Although by Sunday I think it backfrired because I spent most of the day in that type of mood where you just want a reason to argue. Damn, it's impossible for me to avoid that mood every once in a while. Part of it is my curiousity to see what disaster will happen or how well I can control my bad mood. It never works out. Por eso dicen que tengo tanto coraje. Pero no es coraje, es que me fastidio con las cosas que nunca hago. Ya se, es mi culpa.

So writing on blog helps a bit with being able to be random and not expecting a response [usually].

Here is a random dream from last night, one I haven't had in a while.

1. I dreamt that sometime in the middle of the semester I realize I had been missing a class [as in not attending]for most of the school semester. The rest of the dream deals with me avoiding a complete F or wondering what should do to fix the situation. What does dream mean? I'll look it up later but I hope it doesn't have anything to do anything with inadequacy. lol

2. Second dream was a mixture of school and past. I was in a lecture hall in a Math course, once again one I had not attended in a while, and when I show up I see on one side of the lecture hall my younger brother seating with three old acquaintaces/neighborhood classmates of mine. I never really talked to them, it was just a matter of them living in the same neighborhood. Anyways, one of the hood people starts telling me how they killed my dog. [some background information, they were talking about an actual dog of mine which died when he must have twisted his head within chair. It was strange, sad]. When hood guy was telling me the details I yelled something like "Fuck you" or along there and went to the other side of the lecture hall. At first there were some students where I sat, but slowly they started to head out until I was sitting on that side by myself. End dream.
Okay, so that must mean something, right? lol Who knows. For now, maybe ever, it's just a dream.

It's Official

2009-11-23T19:39:00.002-06:00

I will not be graduating this December after all. I'm sad, definitely, but the extra time will help me prepare and do a better job. It was a tough decision because I didn't want to feel as if I failed, but I wasn't putting much effort into it lately. I'm trying to figure out why, and part of it was being tired from work. I didn't have enough drive to make myself work after getting home. I think it was a number of reasons, but the point is I lost focus. So now I will be graduation Spring 10. Some paperwork to change, but nothing big. I'm not saddened, I just wish I would have done a better job.

anyways, that's the news for today. I'll use it as a positive, maybe attend a conference, submit more poems, random activities.

Thank you Employee Tuition program. Thanks to you I won't have to pay for the course.

Santa, Tato, y Sprocket

2009-11-20T14:21:00.003-06:00

In that order as they happened. I was able to buy a small sculpture by UTPA student Jose Garcia (nopalitos@juno.com) of Santa. This is not "ho,ho,ho" Santa. This is some perverse Santa who must like to get his jollies with smashed women. He reminds me so much of myself. I'm joking! Here is a photo, and I bought this piece because it is Christmas time but just love the way he is having a great laugh. Ay Santa, I can only imagine what you were up to.

After my workday I spoke with poeta Tato Laviera for an interview hopefully published in UTPA's Gallery magazine. I was nervous but decided to be myself, or who I would like to be and who I am when I am not shy. Este Tato knows how to make a conversation into mucho mas. Even before the official interview began he was giving me valuable information on some projects I was considering and extremely helpful with encouragement. The actual interview went well, and I tried to base my questions according to what he was saying. The questions I prepared were stale, and it wasn't easy anticipating his responses. It isn't like the times I interviewed coaches and answers could essentially be scripted.

Lastly, on this odd day Thursday, Sprocket (mini-Schnauzer) became ill around Noon or so. At this moment she has diarrhea and vomiting. I'm going to wait a day before I take her to vet. I took a cat once to the vet. I named his after the street I lived in, Kantunil. Awesome name. lol. I hope it's just a bug, but I have never been good with pets and their illness. Just hope all is well.

So that was Thursday. Today I'm going to a "sidewalk and starving artist SALE" in McAllen, although it's raining right now and don't know how hungry they are for funds. Hope there is something good around there. I'll post it if I find anything.

How to Stay Mexican

2009-11-19T17:36:00.004-06:00

or pocho, or yes Mexicano Americano y todas esas palabras que usamos. I was taking a friend to the airport and we couldn't resist a picture of the señor riding in the truck bed getting some sleep. Classic. Anytime I meet someone from around the country I can't help asking about how it is on their side of the states. I wonder if we are different. If Mexicanos aqui son como los de alla. It's always a yes. This border is different because we have fajitas, and calles del taco. Aqui we aren't afraid to listen to our ranchera music en las fiestas y dar nuestros gritos. This is home to all of us. Estamos entre rancho y cuidad, no como El Paso or Los Angeles. Tal vez otros piensan que casi estamos muertos mientras hacemos lo que hacemos, y no nos importa! Como este señor, no le vale quien lo mire. Lo importante es el descanso.

Sometimes I think about moving, but I'm afraid I would miss it too much. I haven't even moved out of Alton. I have become so attached to it, I laugh at living in a subdivision, or "hidden valley" estates, donde los neighbors might say "They are cooking out again, I hate it when the smell takes over the house and just lingers." Me? I love that smell, hasta the way a mujer tiene olor de fajitas y mesquite.
I know I won't have to worry as much about my house being broken into, pendejos kicking my dog if it gets loose, pero por qué no me voy?

Por qué am I asking others about Mexicanos que seem far away? Reynosa no es Ciudad Juarez, ni es Tijuana. Entonces por qué espero que sean igualitos de este lado? I just want to hear it, that we are different here. I do not want to find otra valle. Quiero que esta sea la ultima.

New Puppy

2009-11-06T11:49:00.004-06:00

I was called a dad because of a new puppy I got. It's true, it has a similar feeling of being a father. I know, i know, it's completely different. But don't you get a similar type of joy caring for someone else? Watching as their mind develops and playing together, vet visits, and living together every day? A puppy is a substitute child. So this pug (Suki)I received from a co-worker. She has been doing pretty well although she did piss on one of the couch pillows. If you visit my house, beware. The mini-schnauzer (Sprocket) has adjusted well, and I think she enjoys having someone who can keep up with her instead of me who runs around for about 5 minutes and "yah, that's it, I'm sitting down."

-----------------------------------------------------------------
Still working on thesis and hoping to get it done soon.

Can't think of any words for poems right now, but maybe later.

Oh yeah, how can I forget to mention the Lucha Corpi reading. It went really well. As I read my poems I felt uncomfortable mostly because I wanted to change words in the middle of reading. Lucha had a good reading, and though she didn't read much, she did read from her newest novel and her poetry book. Hearing her talk on Chicano history was unexpected based on previous readers. The research with the psychic and involved in her writing gave me better insight to her stories. Overall a good night, although by the end I just wanted to go home.

Updated

2009-10-29T09:02:00.003-05:00

So I never talked about the last two days of the Austin City Limits Festival. It's more awesome now thinking about it than living through it only because day 2 was all rain and day 3 was all mud. I'm better at observing than participating so I stayed out of the rain, under a tarp, and I tried not to do full body dives into the mud. The music was awesome though. My favorite were The Decemberist and the B-52s. A lot of other excellent musicians, but those stood out.

-----------------------------------------------------------

On the poetry side, I am almost complete with thesis, meaning I'm not close to feeling proud of it, but I have to turn it in within the month.

I still haven't had the courage to ask my mom where she grew up. She has told me before but I keep forgetting. I think I feel guilty because
1. I keep forgetting
2. I will be using it for my thesis
3. Everyday is another day I don't ask

but I will ask. Sometimes I'm to hesitant for the things I should do.I haven't submitted anything lately, so I will have to do that as well. I need to attend more poetry readings, and one is coming up on Nov. 2nd for the dia de los muertos.

I think if I had children I would be more inspired to participate in dia de los muertos, or maybe if i knew muertos that I knew better. I know muertos.
1. Abuela Orosco
2. Tio Fernando

But I didn't connect with them as much. They were already older in my memories. That's what I say. But eventually I lose someone I have known for a lifetime and maybe then I will celebrate dia de los muertos. It will be an honor and a sign that I cannot let go.

ACL-Day One

2009-10-03T09:48:00.002-05:00

Just some basic descriptions of my day:

1. Arrived in Austin at 12:20ish[Friday]or so
2. Drove around for about an hour and then parked where I had initially thought about parking. Total cost for parking $20.
3. Walked for like what seemed another 1/2 hour
4. Hard core tired, and finished the water I was going to drink during the festival.

Then it's like just like the good kind of chaos in there. Lots of stages and tons and tons of people. I was able to get fairly close to watch Avett Brothers and Phoenix [I touched the lead singer's elbow! but when I repeat the story I'll say shoulder]. Then went to see Bassnectar and sit down to write the poem I was inspired to write while watching Avett Brothers. I was watching Ghostland Observatory, and realized they can't make me fall into a dancing long grey haired man-young woman with a beautiful smile type of love. So I walked over to where John Legend was playing "Ordinary People" and realized I could in love to this.
People can manage to get upset with all this music and people around them: stupid.
Then I watched Them Crooked Vultures who put on a good show and the grand finale was Yeah Yeah Yeahs, which were awesome with their singing and having fun.

Then it was another walk [but this time it felt shorter] to the car, getting to hotel, checking in, and looking for food. By midnight was settled with 3 "Deluxe" Jack-in-the-Box burgers and a 6-pack of Modelos. I got through 3 of each.

In the end, I didn't care about those $20 for parking but maybe if I am going to spend that much I should go earlier. I plan to today [then again its already 10am].

So far I am ready for next year. The weather sounds interesting today. Maybe some rain.

Vacation

2009-09-30T22:32:00.003-05:00

On friday. I am going to Austin for the Austin City Limits Festival. I am really excited. It has been a while since I have gone to Austin, and there are a couple of places that I want to visit. Actually, I would like to just lounge around and go to I Love Video, Half Price Books, and the arcade. The festival will take up most of the day, but I will find some time to do other things. Although I am excited, I am also extremely nervous. Not sure why although the first thought is parking. I guess I am afraid of there being no parking in downtown and I won't be able to make the show for some reason. I have measured the distance from where I am almost certain there will be parking to Zilker Park and its about 3.5 miles. I can walk that for sure [I think I can]. But there is so much talk about parking close that I start to think it is to far. Why something so small is concerning me, I'm not sure. I guess it's my persona to always be prepared. this time around I don't know what to expect. I am nervous. I'll manage once i am there. I think i need to relax, meaning, I need to stop thinking or attempting to have a rigid schedule.

Wasn't it before that i would say "what happens, happens"? Maybe so much time in the office has made me different. don't know for sure. this is going to be interesting. I hope to write some poems. like i said, i don't know what to expect, and it's been a while since that has happened. I have for a while played it safe going to san antonio, austin, houston, new orleans, places that i know visiting the same spots. it's time i took a chance, looked for a new experience.

I am working 1/2 a day tomorrow. No reason to work the full day. Much more to do at home. goodnight.

Alton Bus Crash

2009-09-21T22:39:00.003-05:00

20 years ago I was 10. I was also in what should be 5th grade. I haven't talked much about today, 20 years ago, because I didn't believe it affected me much. But now i'm thinking twice because of sadness i feel around this time or when i think of the Alton Bus Crash. I usually manage to avoid the subject but i remember being in alton elementary and hearing about a bus crash. I remember crying, as awkward that may be because I didn't know what happened to my sisters. My sisters were safe, but the next couple of days I could feel the anger coming from Alton, and my dad, anger at children's lives taken away and no one to really blame. My brother, already in Houston at that time, calling to check what had happened. My sisters lost friends. I think even my friend lost a brother. I have constantly separated myself from death, but this is the closest I have come to being affected by it. Every year the memories are brought up. When the city started creating a park in the same area i had mixed feelings. Was this sacrilege to create a place of fun where so many died? My brother and nephews played paintball at the park a few weeks ago and I didn't even wonder about how he felt being there. To many the accident is a memorial on 5 mile and bryan, but when i live so close, the accident exist every day.

I avoid the newspaper articles and tv reports because it feels like exploitation. The media creates an image of Alton as a dump, but reveal their sensitivity by showing photos of martyr children and interviewing survivors. I can't take their hypocrisy and bad journalism. Maybe I am offended because they have stolen a private moment, as much as attention as it has received.

I called in sick to work today because i just didn't feel like being there. On sunday i was reading the first part of an Alton Bus story and I just felt sad. Every year for the past 20, and what have I done? It feels like nothing, or better yet, I ignore what happened.

It's a lot of emotions today, as it has been in the past, except today I'm taking the time to think about it more. It has been selfish of me, not really considering what others have thought of today. My sisters went on the next bus route, rather than the earlier one, which fell into the caliche pit. They lost a friend, but I haven't asked what they think years later. Sometimes I think we want to forget and leave that memory behind. Too many lives and what ifs. I don't know why I decided to actually think about it more, and how next year will go. But for some reason for all those persons who lived through today, I just want them to know that I haven't forgotten.

Creativity

2009-09-15T14:10:00.003-05:00

I know the following isn't for everyone, but I wanted some outside creativity besides what i usually see around here. Sometimes I just need help with a title and I can do the rest myself. The poem is a start.

Summary: Found a photo online while doing "pocho" research.Title derived from picture title.
Site address: http://www.flickr.com/photos/89124696@N00/

post colonial malinches

say goodbye [y chinga tu madre]
to fathers and their fajasos.
se van, holding hatred
to their blood,
fall into traps and fall
into psychological partners.
they dig themselves
feet first into caliche,
modern hearts adorning
their pale awkwardness.

Reading!

2009-08-27T11:15:00.002-05:00

Should mention this. Stop by if you are in town. I still haven't figured out if i'm the blood, piss, or asphalt, but i would consider myself asphalt, siempre buscando un camino nuevo.

Sick

2009-08-20T09:11:00.002-05:00

Don't know from what, but it happened sometime while going in and out of the air conditioning at UTSA. I helped Noe move some things into his dorm, and wished him luck [and crossed my fingers].
But this post is about listening to the Wild 104 [the valleys ultimate Hip Hop and R&B station]where they had a guest interpreting dreams. Talk about coincidence, they chose to interpret a dream where a man is helping someone escape from a tiger/lion but as a result are also chased by a feline [but never caught]. I had this same dream some time ago, and posted it on here, not sure of date. Anyways, the dream was interpreted as feline=female, and the chasing is interpreted as anxiety caused possibly by criticism from the female.So, the male tries to escape the females criticism....ah, so funny.

It got me thinking about lines for a poem.

Dial-a-
curandera
on the radio
for remedies
on your spouse
some powder
on his pillow
for eternal,
unbreakable
love, a humming
bird wrapped
in red string.

dial on
the radio
because her
blue house
chips
are now ashes
smothered

Cloudy Skies

2009-08-13T08:37:00.003-05:00

In my office. It's just me, i figure. At least it's encouraging the writing a bit more. I thought more about -ismos and I created a prototype font. Nothing fancy, just checking out which look appropriate. I think i can give it a shot. Even if i fail, it will be worth it. So the first step is to create a small mission statement and explanation of what -ismos represents. Although, I don't expect to represent simply one idea, perhaps it will be made up of numerous beliefs from the area. After that I can start creating some fliers and passing them around town and also the outskirts. I'll try the viral concept also: a small half-sheet should be fine. I can do this during work, no chance of rain today.

Oh, I have to write a poem/memoir for an upcoming contest: "An account of the personal experiences of an author."

Some people say they can remember
age 4 and their first birthday party.
I think my first memories are teen
years, the rest is just some fuzzy
picture my mother keeps. Me one
year old, an early birthday cake,
and then i began my teen years.
I remember one time going to the zoo,
my sister running away from home,
walking the canals, shooting at
beer bottles. the police:
domestic disturbance, snakes
on a twig in a dried lake,
a pregnancy scare, maybe twice.
It wasn't all bad, but that's what
I remember the most.

[sounds like a start...didn't want it to be all gloomy, so put in some good memories. I need to make them stand out more]

Frustration

2009-08-12T08:28:00.003-05:00

With everything again. I'm starting to think it's not the people around me. lol Sometimes I expect too much, then when I get more than I expect, I'm left unhappy because it didn't come soon enough. Hopefully this comes all from being unable to write more when I actually want to. Part of that might be changing jobs. Even though advising college students is fun, meaning dealing with students that overachieve, are lazy, don't care, and have daydreams as goals, I want more time to write. Actually, I want more time to publish others. The MFA will do me some good in getting at least a bit of credibility, but if I can help others by creating a small magazine/journal, I will be happier. That's my daydream. I have been thinking about something similar to one I was part of during my Juvenile detention Volunteering days. Except this one is geared to kids BEFORE they get there. lol. Same concept though...don't glorify violence, gangs, drugs, etc. Probably shouldn't be just aimed at youngsters though. But i'm barely in my daydreaming stage. Want to suggest a title? Some possibilities: Mexcla (I just found a Mezcla magazine from UNC,and Unofficial. So those are my two choices so far. I'm working on it, but I'm sure i don't want a name like Mi Barrio, or Colonia-ismos...although I kinda like the sound of the "-ismos". Did some online research [everything is online, right? lol] and found one entry for Ismo magazine, which "Last ISMO update was 15 Aug 1999". Sounds good to me. I like -ismos. According to Wikcionario, this is one meaning of -ismo

Sufijo formativo de sustantivos abstractos que denota algún tipo de doctrina, tendencia, teoría o sistema
Ejemplos: budismo, cubismo, cantonalismo, comunismo, socialismo, capitalismo

I'm liking this. Thanks for going through this thought process with me.

Different Subject:

Just fell onto this article. Here's a snip.

"Timberlake and Rhys surveyed more than 2,100 Ohioans about their attitudes toward four groups: Europeans, Asians, Middle Easterners and Latinos, specifically asking them about each group's intelligence, income levels, self-sufficiency, ability to assimilate, and proclivity toward violence. The results were often surprising - and often not. (Read about a new Asian-American stereotype in TIME'S 1987 cover story.)

Uniformly, Asians finished first in the wealth, intelligence and self-sufficiency categories, followed by Europeans and Middle Easterners, with Latinos finishing last. Asians fell a notch, to second, in willingness to assimilate, with Europeans taking the top spot. When it came to violence, the order was reversed: Latinos on top, then Middle Easterners, then Europeans and Asians.

"In some respects, this was exactly what we expected," says Timberlake. The stereotype of wealthy, studious Asians and ready-to-fit-in Europeans has been fixed in the public mind for years now, and endures even in homogenous communities in which the need for real assimilation ended long ago."

original link: http://news.yahoo.com/s/time/20090812/hl_time/08599191576800

Que Gachos! [will not insert a joke about being violent in order to reverse their views]

Last Note

Aren't I an oxy-
stereotype,
un childless
chicano.

it's not just
the marriage clock
counting the months

soy yo
contando las ramas
del huisache

ensombrando
el carro, sobrinos,
ese gato vagabundo

que una noche
escuche con su gata
haciendo me burla

Bad Moods

2009-07-27T16:28:00.004-05:00

Bad way to start the morning. But that's how it started. Angry for no reason, looking for an argument. By lunch time it passed and a few minutes ago it got so much better. I was advising a student who is working with Mujeres Unidas [It is the Mission of Women Together to provide shelter and programs for women, men and children who are victims of domestic violence and sexual assault].Excellent program, but the point is that she booked an entertainer [announced, but tickets yet to be sold] for a benefit concert. The entertainer: Saul Williams. Saul Williams is awesome. "You Tube" him. Great music and poetry. Here is the flier. I have seen him perform before and I am excited. Bad days can end well. Remember.

Love for Sale

2009-07-26T10:26:00.002-05:00

Is it right or wrong?

I'm watching Cowboy del Amor. Here is the premise: a matchmaker unites American men with Mexican women. I know it's wrong. But there's something about it that makes sense. Is it that different than meeting someone at a bar or an online site? Perhaps I'm not looking at the big picture. A man pays to meet a Mexican woman. Is it different than a man paying to meet an American women. In some ways. I know some people will say it is taking advantage of a poor area, especially considering Cuidad Juarez and its crime against women. Then others will say it is of the women's own free will. Is there a right here? Hidden intentions, secrets? It's smart business for sure. People have been as foolish in Las Vegas, but maybe it seems the money makes it wrong: the profit.

I haven't been writing as much as I should be. I'm kinda lounging around letting myself get bored and distracted. I will get my act straight. Soon.

Dos Mujeres, Cuantos Caminos?

2009-07-06T11:17:00.002-05:00

Another one of my found pictures. A Polaroid picked up while walking Sprocket on Linares street. I have a bad habit of picking up random objects. I like this picture because my best guess is sisters. But maybe that's a bad guess. La chica standing up reminds me of a lot of girls around here with the dark lipstick, the pose un poco coqueta, hoop earrings, long red nails. She would fit well en la colonia. La sentada gives off a similar vibe, but toned down. Still the hoop earrings, no nail polish, lighter lipstick, and the smile. The optimism. She gives herself a chance.

Santa is Santa, even in the colonia.

Doesn't remind me of my sisters much. now that is. but maybe if i go back to some older pictures they have a similar pose. una la coqueta, la otra sonriando. That's the way the rest of their lives go. En la misma manera que la foto.

wow

2009-07-01T14:07:00.002-05:00

It's a boring day at work, with only a few students advised and I haven't felt like writing in blog. Lacking that motivation to say much about myself. So I was looking through other blogs on blogspot and it's funny to see some of the subjects. I love writing but i'm sure other people don't find it as awesome. So i'm looking through and some people are completely dedicated to knitting, polishing their nails, and publishing stories of LDS (which i figured to be Latter Day Saints). Half of these are in languages i don't know, and naturally if i see something that has a few Spanish words but can't read the rest, I call it Portuguese. and by my estimates, lots of Portuguese bloggers.
at the same time it makes me feel lost, but comfortable. I like seclusion sometime for the comfort. anyways, i thought these were interesting/great/strange.

http://sealdekker.blogspot.com/ : These are some hardcore photography parents.

http://williamtritter.blogspot.com/ : Talk about the opposite of inactive.

http://martapinasolamente.blogspot.com/ : about some art

It slipped my mind...

2009-06-23T08:24:00.002-05:00

Father's Day. Another blogger wished a father's day to all the eligible persons. Everybody must have a father right? I don't know the history behind these national celebrations but sometimes it feels like too much. I'll read the history on it later, but as far as the present goes, how does a inadequate father feel on that day? Does he feel as if he has lost more than he expected to gain. Perhaps he still feels the burden of being an absent father. Do you have a son? somewhere, but not here.

I have a friend in a same-sex relationship with a son. I was thinking about her situation that day. I jumped to Antonio's Card, a children's book by Rigoberto Gonzalez whose story involves the difficulty in explaining/producing a mother's day card for same-sex parents. Good story.

On a more calmado note,
I watched Return to Sleepaway Camp last night. I loved the original Sleepaway Camp because I remember watching it with my brother and sister. This wasn't the same, but it keeps the memory alive. That's enough, no reason to get extra nostalgic today.

Home Sweet Home

2009-06-18T09:23:00.002-05:00

Another trip to San Antonio, which was productive. Visited Six Flags and I went on three rides although i am scared of heights, and that's about as much as my body could take. I realize people like the rides because of the adrenaline rush, but give me a different type of adrenaline. I would rather swim out on the beach, go through a haunted house, even a Hurricane! A lot of other things besides fast moving heights. The trip also included a visit to the children's museum, which was good, but not great. Also, San Antonio Missions baseball game which was fun, Half Price bookstore is always good to me, and lots and lots of eating out.
Perhaps the biggest event was receiving my comments from the pre-draft thesis. A lot of "potential" remarks which I hate because it feels to me like "not quite good". Good isn't always easy, I realize that. So I will have to put more work into it, and hope it gets better. Oh, also was rejected by Bordersenses, which means I have to go back and review what I submitted. Anyways, have to go do some work-work, will write more later.

but i just remembered something i wanted to think more about. Nearby the Motel 6 i stayed at, which was actually quite nice inside, older Mexicanos would stand along the street waiting to be picked up for jobs. When a work-looking truck passed by they would raise and waive their hands. It was surprising to see because the hotel was only yards away from Market Square which is a lush area of tourist. Separating both was I-10. It's surprising how cities have developed a new set of tracks, the highways sometimes sheltering those closest to the center. I didn't feel nervous as I passed by them, because they didn't emit a desire to harm, but i imagine many people feel threatened.

I didn't' see any of them get picked up, but as the day passed their numbers would get smaller. But each morning they were there again looking for work.

Otra Vez en San Antonio

2009-06-08T11:06:00.004-05:00

My second time in SA in the past two weeks, the previous to drop off Noe for FR Orientation at UTSA. He says it was boring, which I'll take as it went well and they gave him a lot of academic information.

This past weekend I went w/ fellow MFA poet R.G to visit the Alameda exhibit, Phantom Sightings: Art after the Chicano Movement.

Must say I enjoyed the exhibit, especially the photography of Carlee Fernandez. There was another artist, Ken Gonzalez-Day who displayed postcards of lynchings, which had been scanned and worked on to eliminate the bodies from the postcards. A bit eerie because I could sense a tension from viewing the postcard, but there wasn't a physical entity to represent that tension.

Here is a sample:

I was inspired by some of the artwork, although most of it I would term as experimental, or perhaps "not-traditional".

I'm trying to think of something that goes with this title I came up with while viewing.

Deconstructed Chicano

es partes de
deep south texas and the 6 month long hurricane season. Some cousins arrested for attempted murder or drug possession. a pregnant sister. a young pregnant sister. and my mother. my father. divorced and some of the embarrassment that came with it. abuelos y abuelas que lla no viven. Y que cuando vivian no los entendia. It's late night discussions ala mid-day tent revivals. It's your voice. Slipping down the cement canal, algae like oil. Yesterday I saw kids shooting at beer bottles, and I was unsure if I should scold them for breaking glass, or remember the way my brother and I shot at bottles we threw into the canal. It's a couple of memories that may be exaggerated for effect. Adding an extra drop of rain to the river, because we have to complete it somehow. a father-son relationship with my brother. a son i lost because he was never mine. complicated relationships. brown. sometimes lighter. non-traditional is equivalent to the odd sheep.

*something to work on.

Lost or Found

2009-06-02T19:21:00.002-05:00

I have a fascination with lost items: most of all pictures. I don't remember where i found this photo, but my first thought is how this family looks normal, right? Literally all smiles. There isn't much to do with these, just a curiosity of where it came from, usually found in some book I buy at the segunda. I wonder if i have lost some of my own and where they end up. I'm writing but I'm not getting to the point.

Circling, circling, attempting to hit bulls eye.

Yes

2009-05-22T15:29:00.003-05:00

I am still alive. I didn't realize it has been close to a month. I figured maybe a two and 1/2 weeks had passed...guess not. I have finished the semester, passed, and one semester closer to finishing my degree. Currently working on Thesis, no classes in the summer, meaning tons of reading and writing.

So, what have I done lately? *nothing* Advising students full-time: seriously.

I'll say more tomorrow. Be a more personal. Professional. Contemplative.

adios.

30

2009-04-27T12:42:00.002-05:00

is the new 20 I hope. lol. I took the day off from work, so I read a bit of Barrio Boy by Ernesto Galarza in the morning, then played some w/ Sprocket. Now it's a bit after 12, and I am working on some poems due for class portfolio, Halloween in the background, and Sprocket sleeping next to me.

No poem yet for this occasion.

They call it puppy love

2009-04-20T09:07:00.006-05:00

and I think it's true.

Her name is Sprocket. Don't ask
my why that's her name, but it's
partly because it sounded (or is)
German, and it goes with her
"heritage" as a mini-schnauzer.

I bought her on Saturday at
the pulga, and I just hope nothing
comes out wrong. Papers say
she was born on March 3rd.

*She is available for play dates*

on a ending note: i'm tired. i want the semester to be over.
my brother came down to visit from Houston and it
was difficult juggling family and school work. What
keeps me going is thinking "summer"

fun
no classes
road trip
time for thesis
oh yeah, and work.

*by the way, i don't know why i put numbered bullets on the above list and they come out like flowers...not my intent, just fyi. lol

Maybe

2009-04-18T00:44:00.003-05:00

it's late. but i took a 2 hour nap, which means i'm older now...lol, and that i likely won't be falling asleep until 3am. My brother is on his way from Houston so I am waiting to see if he will stop by and stay at my house. It was unexpected, i just found out from him today.

Este poema es para ti.

I remembered today

about the SBS building

ese minuto entre

the COAS

preocupada

de las pulgadas

between our hands

haveces unos besos
sin razon

sometimes vergüenza
entre los students

tus palabras
entre mi lengua

tu coraje
uno de muchos años

this minute
between lunch

this segundo
este año
esos dias

everything right now
todo-todo-todo

los pensamientos cargan
la misma soledad

el mismo querer

ekphrasis

2009-04-15T09:48:00.001-05:00

sandia

I ate
blood red
squares,
setting off
diluted juice
paths above
my veins.

green
streaks
and red
scars
give action
to watermelon
still life.

Commentary more than poetry...

2009-04-15T08:59:00.003-05:00

This is my poem/response to the news article i mentioned in previous post, titled "US citizens locked up as illegal immigrants"
I think towards the end I mix some words up (or at least my understanding of them), but as always, there is work to be done

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

The answer to stabilizing the American Economy
is to deport all the illegal immigrants. We begin
with some work raids. Because only illegal immigrants
run and everybody who stays should have their
papers with them. Then we can stop them for
suspicious reasons and ask them about their citizenship.

Operation Wetback intended to gather up illegal residents
and return them to Mexico.

Operation Return To Sender intends to gather up illegal residents
and return them to Mexico.

Inevitably some mistakes will be made.
Mistakes that will cost you a couple days
or years, but with proper proof can be
corrected. These are regretful mistakes
because they were not intended
the feelings of hostility,
being handcuffed to a chair
sense that you don’t belong here
that you must speak proficient English
that you are an American citizen.

Yesterday was Easter

2009-04-13T08:39:00.004-05:00

and I wanted to write, but I was too tired. A lot of good family time. Ended the night watching a movie w/ my lil sis and her kids. Then some cleaning afterward. While I was reading the e-news that night I came across an article regarding American citizens who are confused for illegal citizens and deported. I wrote a poem, which is on the laptop, but will be posting when I get home. Here is the article for starters: http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20090413/ap_on_re_us/mistaken_for_illegal_i

Just one picture from Easter 2009. Hope it went well and it was joyful. It can be tiring to have so much family around.

ACL

2009-04-10T14:43:00.002-05:00

Like the concert festival, not the ligament. I bought my tickets a few days ago. It's going to take place Oct. 2-4. If you want to know the details, you can follow this site: http://www.aclfestival.com/

I'm excited, yes. About six months to get there, but I'm hoping I have a good time. It's going to be in Austin so I will even get to visit my soon to be Freshman brother at UTSA. I didn't even realize it until i was texting him today. That makes me even more excited, that I can stop by and say hello, see how things are, make sure he is studying. lol I see a lot of freshman students, and their first semester is overwhelming. I try to think of "good" reasons why, but usually its that they don't anticipate the level of work required to be successful at the University level. But I don't want to go into the subject of retention and first semesters.

I don't know the lineup yet for ACL, although there are rumors flying around. Just saw that the opening bands will be listed April 28th: excited. I was supposed to go last year, but money was tight. So I didn't do much all year as far as traveling...and I love traveling. It's not escaping. Escaping almost means not wanting to come back. I love to come back. I love to live here in the Rio Grande Valley. Traveling is about listening to people's stories, and catching a city change. New Orleans was like that, although still sad to see people struggling.

I used to write poems a lot while traveling because I was young and couldn't drive, so the option was going on bus or someone else driving. I don't get to write while traveling anymore, only at my destination. I do miss that. Would I go on the bus again? I have thought about it, but I dislike the lack of mobility. Maybe to try it again, but I have given up on trying to regain the experience of a first time. I didn't walk Bourbon street at night too much because the drinking and debauchery wasn't enticing.

I have never experienced ACL. I have experienced Austin, and unfortunately one of my characteristics is to be content with repetition and dwell in the known. This will be a change, and I will try to not visit the same places I always do in Austin. Essentially, I will attempt to give up control.

Language

2009-04-08T22:20:00.005-05:00

I'm excited about it. The presentation coming up for class was a good choice. The unknown usually is. I'm not going to bother explaining language poetry here, but some of the ideas I can't help but laugh at (aka with). They are ideas I have been wanting to include in my own projects, before actually reading them in Ron Silliman's "In the American Tree". They include:

a one-shot publication: I love the idea of it. It's pretty much a chapbook, but when combined with a periodic publication it has the opportunity to serve different subjects, and cleaning the slate, going into different ideas without to much regard of the previous issue. So, it's not like a newspaper which will continue with a story for a few issues, and it's probably not even like a magazine and its editors whom constantly push their ideas/beliefs through a publication.

list: for the presentation I wanted to make a long, senseless list of poets associated w/ language poetry, and i laughed when on the next page I found exactly that. It's a simple coincidence, but I like it. It's almost like validation, knowing that some ideas have already been used effectively.

But then this gets me thinking. What else can we (poets and writers) do to further the medium? Where do we go from here, or where do I go from here with my "Chicano" poetry? I suppose that's one challenge of writing my thesis. To not recreate poems by other Chicano's. But I always want to do more. I don't want my poems to sound the same, use the same words, I need for them to be distinct. The ideas of Language poetry may help with this: go beyond reference.

And chances are, two months from now I will find a Chicano poet inspired by the Language poets. And I'll have to laugh.