Vacation

On friday. I am going to Austin for the Austin City Limits Festival. I am really excited. It has been a while since I have gone to Austin, and there are a couple of places that I want to visit. Actually, I would like to just lounge around and go to I Love Video, Half Price Books, and the arcade. The festival will take up most of the day, but I will find some time to do other things. Although I am excited, I am also extremely nervous. Not sure why although the first thought is parking. I guess I am afraid of there being no parking in downtown and I won't be able to make the show for some reason. I have measured the distance from where I am almost certain there will be parking to Zilker Park and its about 3.5 miles. I can walk that for sure [I think I can]. But there is so much talk about parking close that I start to think it is to far. Why something so small is concerning me, I'm not sure. I guess it's my persona to always be prepared. this time around I don't know what to expect. I am nervous. I'll manage once i am there. I think i need to relax, meaning, I need to stop thinking or attempting to have a rigid schedule.

Wasn't it before that i would say "what happens, happens"? Maybe so much time in the office has made me different. don't know for sure. this is going to be interesting. I hope to write some poems. like i said, i don't know what to expect, and it's been a while since that has happened. I have for a while played it safe going to san antonio, austin, houston, new orleans, places that i know visiting the same spots. it's time i took a chance, looked for a new experience.

I am working 1/2 a day tomorrow. No reason to work the full day. Much more to do at home. goodnight.

Alton Bus Crash

20 years ago I was 10. I was also in what should be 5th grade. I haven't talked much about today, 20 years ago, because I didn't believe it affected me much. But now i'm thinking twice because of sadness i feel around this time or when i think of the Alton Bus Crash. I usually manage to avoid the subject but i remember being in alton elementary and hearing about a bus crash. I remember crying, as awkward that may be because I didn't know what happened to my sisters. My sisters were safe, but the next couple of days I could feel the anger coming from Alton, and my dad, anger at children's lives taken away and no one to really blame. My brother, already in Houston at that time, calling to check what had happened. My sisters lost friends. I think even my friend lost a brother. I have constantly separated myself from death, but this is the closest I have come to being affected by it. Every year the memories are brought up. When the city started creating a park in the same area i had mixed feelings. Was this sacrilege to create a place of fun where so many died? My brother and nephews played paintball at the park a few weeks ago and I didn't even wonder about how he felt being there. To many the accident is a memorial on 5 mile and bryan, but when i live so close, the accident exist every day.

I avoid the newspaper articles and tv reports because it feels like exploitation. The media creates an image of Alton as a dump, but reveal their sensitivity by showing photos of martyr children and interviewing survivors. I can't take their hypocrisy and bad journalism. Maybe I am offended because they have stolen a private moment, as much as attention as it has received.

I called in sick to work today because i just didn't feel like being there. On sunday i was reading the first part of an Alton Bus story and I just felt sad. Every year for the past 20, and what have I done? It feels like nothing, or better yet, I ignore what happened.

It's a lot of emotions today, as it has been in the past, except today I'm taking the time to think about it more. It has been selfish of me, not really considering what others have thought of today. My sisters went on the next bus route, rather than the earlier one, which fell into the caliche pit. They lost a friend, but I haven't asked what they think years later. Sometimes I think we want to forget and leave that memory behind. Too many lives and what ifs. I don't know why I decided to actually think about it more, and how next year will go. But for some reason for all those persons who lived through today, I just want them to know that I haven't forgotten.

Creativity

I know the following isn't for everyone, but I wanted some outside creativity besides what i usually see around here. Sometimes I just need help with a title and I can do the rest myself. The poem is a start.

Summary: Found a photo online while doing "pocho" research.Title derived from picture title.
Site address: http://www.flickr.com/photos/89124696@N00/




post colonial malinches

say goodbye [y chinga tu madre]
to fathers and their fajasos.
se van, holding hatred
to their blood,
fall into traps and fall
into psychological partners.
they dig themselves
feet first into caliche,
modern hearts adorning
their pale awkwardness.