These Memorials

always intrigue me. in south texas they are very common at scenes where someone has died in an accident. driving up north from the rio grande valley they don’t seem to be as common. it could be that i’m not catching them. but a few months ago as i drove to Boston I’m fairly sure i saw less. Anyways, i have been wanting to write poems for some of these but also don’t want to be disrespectful. this one is close to my house. i took a picture of this one because it is decorated for every holiday. the one shown here is easter. this person is still loved. it must be impossible to let go.

my newest read

     I just started reading this book, and this short review only covers the foreword and introduction.  I usually don’t enjoy reading the foreword and introduction because it gives/guides too much of the reading process. This happens in poetry books which I prefer reading in sporadic order.  

But in this case I read both and continue thinking much on ideas which are similar to the concept of the Nuev@ Chican@ Poetics group I participate in. William Luis, when talking about the ethnically diverse community he was raised in, says “When I look back, I did not feel comfortable accepting one identity over another but felt the need to embrace all of my multiple identities” (ix).  Although I didn’t grow up in an ethnically diverse area (the Rio Grande Valley is comprised of approximately 90% Mexican Americans), I do think of identities as the different types of Mexican Americans/Mexicans which exist, in particular because of social or economic status.

     In the introduction, the concept is talked about a bit more by Blas Falconer and Lorraine M. Lopez who wrote “the former [Lorraine M. Lopez] probes the prejudice emanating from native Chicanos toward those who have emigrated recently from Mexico, suggesting that there are at least as many ways to be Chicano as there are to be Latino” (3). If this can be agreed upon then my questions are “what are these forms of Chicano?” and “What creates these differences?” Some of the answers may appear obvious, like the nature of a person’s upbringing.  But there’s probably more, and I’m interested in seeing the influences on identity.

Just some thoughts and as I continue reading I will post more.

-ic

Found and Project

another one of my finds. this on as i was walking the university of texas-pan american grounds. it is quite elaborate and offers a lot of information. if i received this i would feel as if i did my job. in case you don't speak spanish, here is the translation:

"I want to thank the students from Pan American University for giving me something for Christmas.
God bless you"

I don't have much to say about this picture besides thinking how we can help others. how some kids feel comfortable speaking/writing in spanish. how the name is one i have never heard of before "jaaziel". seems like a combination.

oh, it's senseless talk right now. I only wanted to post this to show how kids can write a simple thank you note and it seems so amazing and strikes my curiosity.





The following could have been saved for another post, especially since i'm about 9 minutes away from heading out to teach but let's see how well i can explain this. I like doing mini projects, most of which i don't ever finish but is something of a preview of what i would like to do/see in the future. Most of these projects deal with code-switching or creating images which satire all that is american or all that is mexican. Mexican-American is good for satire as well. It is always good natured and not intended to create anger.

So, just recently i was thinking about language and how code-switching (for some) is natural. and then i started thinking were do we use code switching in public? yes, it is common when we talk but how common is it in writing? i doubt that it is common in writing but i have seen it in a few local advertisements (billboards) and maybe in an email. then this lead me to think of important works and how they can be translated into code switching. why? it seems when we not only speak the language but also read and write it, then it gains validity and also expands. I think and think random thoughts but the outcome is the sample creation of the Poch@ bible, with code-switching. I haven't figured out the rules, if any, for code switching but the concept seems to be that the reading should be natural. Anyways, read below:

Hello,

I started off the day be being not accepted into CantoMundo, which marks the third time I have applied. I'm not sure how to feel about this. It makes me question my poetry, or more so what others think of my poetry. I get a lot of support from local writers, and I am thankful, but wish it was different. I will probably apply again, but I have become disenchanted with the process and group. I'm sure I would feel differently if I was selected, but when I see many others who deserve this opportunity more than I do, and do not receive it, I begin to wonder. I don't have much time to be sad because I will be presenting at the NACCS conference in San Antonio soon and besides that I have work and teach.
So, I have tried to enjoy today as best I can and continue to initiate a change within me that creates results and creativity. I haven't done well working on my manuscript or new poetry, and I have bought films and records I said I would look over. Oh, and the numerous books I buy. Those are still unused. So, I'm trying to change that somehow because a few friends are able to maximize each hour they have. On the other hand, I feel like I don't do much. This post is horribly emotional. *l*
Well, let's end this soon, but not before I explain the picture above. This is a scan of "Transit", a film I bought some time ago and I began watching as I cleaned my home office. After much neglect my office became a pile of student works, and old projects. *I hope I didn't lose Juan Ochoa's cards* Anyways, the movie was background noise and it helped me cross off a movie from my "must watch" list.

The Review:
If it weren't for the constant cliches, this film would be much better. That and the lighting in some places as well as bad audio.  The best part was the tagging. The ending was typical. Yet, I didn't hate this film because I have seen much worse on a larger budget. Transit attempted to make a statement but I don't see much difference. Yes, this film was 2005, so perhaps it was relevant then, but what insight did this film actually give into a tagger"s life? Not much besides the common barrio story and being pulled in by friends while everybody else knows what is right.

that's it for me. i have to work on some questions for the conference.
let me know what you think.
-ic

This weekend

i teared up/cried during the latest Batman film. I couldn't help it thinking about the events in Colorado and the different scenarios which may or may not have saved lives. It almost seemed to fit with the movie. The need to come together as a community rather than depend on one individual. We need hope.

On a completely different street, I read/watched Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter. I hadn't read a book for leisure in what seems a few years. Usually i was reading for class or research. I had forgotten how easy it was to read rather than laboring on analysis. It was a good book, but not amazing. The movie was horrible. First because it deviated from the book so much. Second, it was just a bad movie.

I enjoyed the experience of the theater more than watching the film. I arrived about 7 minutes late, and apparently at the dollar movies they start right on time. Then about 20 minutes into the movie the entire screen went dark. The people just kinda sat and waited for it to start again, sometimes saying like "I want my $1.50 back". *l* that was pretty funny.

After a bit, the movie started back up. Luckily I was sitting next to a fairly inexperienced mom. The kind you say, "if your child almost just choked on a candy, why would you let them get hold of the candies a second time....and let them almost choke, again." The baby then proceeded to be necio (it's a spanish word, look it up) and cried off and on, with her getting up and moving past me a few times.

I had the isle seat, by the way. The best part was when the baby dropped the bottle, and to find it, the inexperienced mom's mom was crawling on the outside edge of the isle and practically between my legs. I felt a bit raunchy at that moment. Eventually someone took the baby and sadly I started paying closer attention to the film. Not so good.

i found

another photograph. finding these pictures makes me want to write on here the most. it sometimes feels like this is the hidden part of me, yet hope others see. *and then back again i hope they don't see this*

Nothing unusual about this boy. I found the photo near my house so i wonder if he lives near some of the new apartments/condos on my street. Maybe the house was being cleaned and this picture was expandable. Probably has changed a lot in the two years since.

Even for me thinking about the past few months, it feels like a lot is changing for others and i remain stagnant. It's easy to be envious of the success others have found. I look at what i have accomplished and it never seems enough. These "wonderful" ideas seem like daydreams after a while. Am I missing support or am I missing drive? Probably drive. It's always easy to blame others. Maybe i want to much. I want to be a successful writer but then I want to be an academic as well. I was never good at multi-tasking.

And i'm even afraid of losing what i already have. just because you earned something doesn't mean you will always keep it. Success usually doesn't come early, but right now i wish it did.

my advice to young me (+ current me): you should do more.

This girl

Who is this person? I don't know I just found her picture on a best buy tablet. She had a whole bunch of photos on there and I wanted to see how well the tablet sent email/photos. It seemed to have done a good job. I might return and get more photos, in particular of one couple. These are similar to lost photos I have posted before or maybe not. Perhaps these belong in the category of stolen. I liked her expression.

I am planning more conferences soon and even considering AWP next year in Boston. I have two good opportunities here in South Texas with the NACCS  and TACWT conference. I also want to collaborate with others who are attempting to redefine pejorative terms. I'm working on pocho, but have a friend working on "chola". Another friend isn't sure which identity captures her experiences best: she knows she isn't Chicana, not American, but perhaps Mexicana.

I'm going to a reading tonight which i don't fully look forward to because it is Spring Break. I'm tired from a hectic two days filled with a music festival and a couple visiting. At least I don't have much planned for Saturday or Sunday, which means doing the work I should have done earlier.

Time to return to real life.

tired.

not frustrated, upset, or disappointed: just tired. hopefully this weekend will be good with the upcoming National Association for Chicana and Chicano Studies (NAACS) conference. i have the presentation prepared, with a few changes going through my mind. it's only 30 mintues so not much i can cover.
I have more ideas after talking to a fellow poet. She's more the poet than me.

Idea 1: "Identidad Crisis" (I like the title because it reminds me of the DC comic series). People talk about their identity: American, Mexican, Mexican American, Chican@, Latin@, Hispanic, Poch@.

Idea 2: Actually the first idea i had in the conversation but in thinking about it, perhaps it should be second. Thought of a poem title "how to determine if you are a poch@" It sounded better when i first thought of it. i'm not considering a silly poem. i want it to be serious, but it might have some humor: dark humor.

writing helps. i wanted to nurture myself more this semester and in some aspects i have. but i miss trips. i miss writing. i miss being absent from work. i miss time. imu

IDK

why today started off well with a visit to la pugla where i bought two frames shown below. Not a great picture,

 but those are it. purchase price was 50 cents. I bought some bulbs for outside and then came home to watch game and have a few drinks. At some point I started getting this feeling that I was not happy. It could be described as "blah". I felt like that for a couple of hours until now. I'm listening to CSS on vinyl in my newly decorated office [frames included].

A few days ago I found out the following:

Accepted to present at 2012 NACCS Tejas Regional Conference with Gabriel Sanchez this March. We will present our poetic and research themed presentation, titled "De Pocho a Chicano, Y Back.

I was starting to get worried because the announcement was supposed to be made early Jan. I think of early Jan as the 1st. lol Unfortunately, I failed in submitting to the Andres Montoya call for manuscripts. Although I feel i need to improve my poetry. Still not  liking the "poems must be in English".  

Maybe the "blah" feeling comes from not accomplishing what i wanted today. Although I didn't have much planned. Luckily I don't go to work tomorrow so I still have time to recover. I suppose today I should let this feeling run its course.

New Years, what else

could i possibly write about today. All those previous post where I write about changing for the better and taking advantage of opportunities amounts to this day. This is the day that I have worked for. It's sort of like a clean slate where my previous mistakes and shortcomings are not important. So, tomorrow when i'm cutting the grass and edges, I will be a new person (still with my good attributes, just a better version).
I popped fireworks but wasn't with my family, which saddened me. I'm used to celebrating with my mom and siblings, and their children. We eat a modest meal, but the most fun for me is the fireworks. It's the event which only comes twice a year, so being able to afford it is quite nice. But my mom was visiting my oldest brother in Houston. I didn't get too sad since she was able to spend time with my brother and sister. So, i'm not going to be selfish, but I wish I had gotten together with my younger sister and brother.
There are times I think of how the family will react when my mom passes away. After she is gone, will we still get together. It's been a constant for me, meeting with family for special occasions. I'm afraid we wont. I suppose the easiest way to ensure it doesn't happen is by keeping us together. It would seem easy to do, but by nature i'm a loner. Even now with my mom living less than a mile away, I only see her twice a month or so. those are actions i will regret in the future.
New Years Day is a great day, but also places a lot of pressure on individuals. I have to deal with it as far as submitting my poetry goes. I applied to the CantoMundo program and once again hoping I make it. I didn't last year, which is somewhat disappointing, and if I again get rejected, well...those which were accepted must be better than me. I know a few applying and I honestly think they are better than me. It's not a conceited though, it's just that I personally know them and their poetry, and I rather them go. lol I still want to go, but if not me, they deserve to be accepted.
Guess there was more to New Years Day than "resolutions". 

Two-in-one

Today i took a self day. Those days where its just about me, really. As always, when life wasn't busy they were more common. Now with 2 jobs it's more difficult, even when I try to plan for them. So today i did small things like fix the fence, buy the girls a bigger bed so they can all take doggie naps on them, went to salvation army, had a pineapple slushie (+ tapioca), and took a book to the park to read a bit.
It's not the most complex or longest book, but I have been wanting to read it for awhile since the author is from the RGV. I recognize many of the places mentioned. What I'm not certain about is the language used. It's difficult (or seems to be) to make the language authentic; i'm guessing not as accessible and less sales. There was an opportunity to meet the author but i failed to go. I forgot what i was doing or if i was feeling anti-social. I thought i was doing something, but who knows. It would have been a good opportunity.

I am slow reader and I only read for an hour, so I made it to chapter 7. I will attempt to finish the book before the weekend is over. It was peaceful at the park in the sense that there were happy noises all around. right now i'm only getting silence, so i didn't want to stay in to dark of a mood. I'm not making too many notes while reading, but occasionally I'll mark a local landmark I'm familiar with or I will analyze which words are placed in spanish or would be considered "pocho" language.

I also want to review a picture I found one evening while I was jogging.I enjoy taking pictures as much as I do finding random ones. I found this photo:

I'm sure the date is wrong one way or another. It's cute. Two girls (sisters?) with similar sweaters and the youngest child posing behind a nicely decorated christmas tree and plenty of presents. They look happy is probably the main reason I enjoy this photo. I think of family. I have family but I keep my distance at times for no reason at all. I'm working on resolutions, which I haven't tried before, but this is the year I need to focus and get myself straight. Maybe in the end, a similar picture with me in it will be found somewhere.

Dissappointed

in myself for last night. Drank too much and said bad things. Now I feel ashamed. Instead of being creative, I became destructive. I don't like myself in that form. Worse is how it makes me feel the next day. Much worse is the person I hurt.
What does this mean? drink-fast. learn to appreciate loved ones. don't bottle up. speak respectfully. love. care for others. be productive.
These moments have a way of bringing out the worst in me. I think I'm usually a good person, but last night i was a horrible person. the guilt is bad today.

cuando estoy borracho
se me sale el indio
de mi papa
el corajudo
que siempre estaba
en mal humor
y golpeaba
mi madre

debes de decir
cariños
me decia

¿quieres que te arregle?

tengo susto
que diran

¿recuerdas papa?

i-gua-li-to.

Sometimes

you think everything is right, but it's not. I'm getting one of those feelings. But no way to know until what is not right happens.

In the meanwhile I am working in a manuscript to submit to a comrade. The strange part about the writing world (as is everything else) is the competitiveness. We all know that we are working against one another although belonging to an art which benefits from assisting each other.

I don't believe "we" (that means this is a disclaimer) focus on creating small groups and helping those people out. We don't help out as many as we can.

I feel as if i'm saying everything with twice the words i need to use.

Let me be precise:

To survive it feels as if we

1. need to be selfish
2. network for the purpose of benefit
3. are pressured by time
4. never know what is going on around us

The last reason wasn't that good but somewhat close. Time to help a friend with some editing.  I hope to organize my home office this week while i am off of work. I hope to be productive.

*adios*

Time for Another Entry

No point in catching up on what has happened the past two months. I'll just skip to this moment as I watch La verdadera historia de la llorona (2007). I bought it at la pulga this Thanksgiving Thursday in my attempt to watch more "culturally relevant films". But usually when i pick these films they are modern takes of classic stories. I enjoy watching random Mexican films in particular because of their small budgets. It adds some humbleness and lets me place more emphasis on the acting and directing. American films with larger budgets (i.e Captain America: The First Avenger) are sometimes lacking.
This movie isn't historical, but it's a good story. A married businessman has an affair with his secretary who then becomes pregnant. All the meanwhile, the secretary sleepwalks and calls out "mis hijos".
The real story is the affair, which goes back to the belief that stories carry a moral story. The truth is sometimes i watch these films without worrying about the moral or the exploitation of women and minorities. I tell myself that I learn from watching these films because I understand more of how they are exploited. Other times I think i enjoy it [the general word of all].
Could a psychiatrist explain what I am feeling? Would it matter if they told me since I'm not sure I would believe their analysis. [oh oh, the wife just found out the secretary is pregnant]
Betrayal is harsh.  Somehow this movie is turning out good even though it has little to do about la llorona, unless it considers itself an origin story. I am scared easily by horror films. I wouldn't consider this movie a horror film, but I'm not turning off the lights either. lol

*back to the movie*

Catching Up

is difficult when I have too much. Full-time work at the university & teaching three courses at another, and besides that trying to maintain a stable home life. [oh yeah, i forgot i was participating in an weekly creative writing workshop] A mentor told me in passing "Be Carefull" and she was right once again. I feel tired, behind in both my jobs, and unhappy with home.

Somehow I get small pleasures in: music, photography, friends. This is a photograph I took this photo last week. I like taking  pictures. It's relaxing. It's also a positive challenge.

Anyways, still plenty to do. Right now i should be working and organizing. but i needed a break. I hope someone is reading this. if you are, i apologize for the randonmess, lack of benefit from reading this blog. But, as a "treat" I will include my revision of my "chicano" poem.

I know of changes i want to make, including: having different spellings for "chicanos" as well as adding lines, such as "even chicanos/go to jail".

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

even chicanos

get asco
at a prieto
complexion
and light siblings

even chicanos

visit pocho-
land-
and don’t come back

even chicanos

hide behind
jesus, maiden
names, and peacocks
even chicanos

chug budweiser
screaming mother
¿por qué no me visitas?

even chicanos

marry mexicanas
own two kids
and live complacently
ever after

seriously...

how did close to a month pass by? I suppose once the school year started i became busy with teaching/advising. I'm already feeling tired. I have to find my motivation/energy by completing small tasks at home and giving myself "treats" every so often. I'm improving with my teaching in the sense that class is becoming hands-on rather than all lecture.
I did have a minor vacation by going to the Austin City Limits Music Festival, of which you can see photos at Random Photos Here.
It was fun, although I was sick the first day. that bit. but i don't have so much time to think of that. now i have to think about surviving until Dec. 15th. Sept. Oct. Nov. Dec. = 3 Months.
Next week I will be presenting some of my poetry at a conference. damn, i need to get that together.
I am also participating in a community workshop. have to get that together also.

Also, the past few years I have forgotten what today is about, Sept. 21st. We each have our moments for mourning and today is the closest I have. On Sept. 21, 1989 an accident caused a school bus of jr high and high school students to fall into a deep caliche pit. At that moment and a few days later, 21 kids passed away. This happened in my community, about a mile from where I live. My family did not lose any blood relatives that day, but my older brother and sisters knew people who died. I remember being 10, in elementary school, and hearing the news. I cried. I can't remember crying anywhere else as a kid, but in that moment. At home, my father seemed to feel a helpless anger; the type from poverty. I feel ashamed when I forget today. The memory of those kids deserves better.

10 Days

But it feels so much longer. Another vent session? No, I'll take care of that on my own, although I am venting about myself.

Within the past week I have noticed a decline in my drive, or as we like to say in ESpanish, "flojera". I have had a lot of "flojera" [commonly known in English as lazyness] lately, in some cases it goes to the point of "hueva" [i don't know an English translation for this].

It got to the point that i took a nap or two at work this week. I dont' think I stayed up late any of those nights, but work has been slow, boring, and sleep inducing. Luckily once the Fall semester begins, it will be hectic, annoying, and sometimes depressing. These are all much better than annoying.

I have to send a check to the TACW people...tax deductible!

I haven't sent any poems in lately. I'm not really concerned about that. I'm more interested in scholarly research on the pocho, although I should also focus on the literature/poetry being created with that image. Maybe writing poems isnt' my passion. It's fun, but I use it more to flesh out my ideas.

No poem today. Just those thoughts. I wanted to write something before it became 2 months later. I'll write more later. adios.

Good News

I applied to present at the Texas Association of Creative Writing Teachers (TACWT) Conference in Austin and I was accepted. Not in the role I wanted, having my own panel titled "De Pocho a Chicano, y Back", but i was placed on a panel of poets. That might seem like "blah" but that's actually quite good. One lesson I learned on my mini-vacation is that there is not always a "pocho" at every reading. lol

Being from the RGV and all, there are a lot of chicano or mexican themes embedded in the poetry. However, when I performed at Open Mic at Ruta Maya this past week I was the only "mexicano". Not to say that all others were strictly American. I'm pretty sure one guy was british and another was french. It was good to listen to different nationalities reference problems from their respective countries. And then the strange, loud poets were also present. It would be too easy to say, "I want to live there because there is more variety". Yeah, as far as nationality there appeared to be more variety than in the RGV, but I think for my own "research interest" the variety in the RGV works quite good. Even though it may seem we are all "mexicanos" tambien hay sur americanos, whom have their own culture and traditions. It's simplistic to group "mexicanos" but i'm interested in the differences among us.

Back to the conference: I was planning on having a friend present with me as well, but our panel was not accepted, although the organizer did say there was room for more panels. This means 1. there was a mistake (lol) 2. I am going to resubmit the panel and hope it is accepted this time.

I plan on having fun in Austin while I am there. Not crazy fun, but poet fun, such as reading in other venues and relaxing. reading/writing in the park or cafe...etc. The conference in Sept. 22nd-24th although i have to see about work or when I have to attend. I'm assuming I don't have to attend the entirety or the banquet and such. I'll see what i can manage.

So, that's some good news for you. ;-)

AC now included

These past for days went by fast. I didn't blog because i had things on my mind. Things like no AC. but it was fixed for approximately $180 dollars. In south texas, AC is worth so much more. Although it was strange that at night, windows open and fans on all cylinders, i slept so good. the faint heat maybe put me in a comatose state, but i felt refreshed waking up, and it was easier to wake up. So, although during the day i won't miss the heat, at night i miss it just a bit.

I won't complain here so much today. Although i am worried about "D" telling me of cutbacks in the hospital. I think we can still make it through. But that's a big chunk of income. most of it goes to entertainment (or at least from what i see). Yes, there are bills she pays like cable, house alarm, insurance, student loans, and such. But if i can teach at least two courses. those will be covered. Everything else wouldn't be as crucial.

This weekend I didn't do much since it was mad hot and once the AC was repaired, I felt like only sitting inside. Well, I did drink though, and I spoke with my neighbor who surprisingly is only 3 or 4 years older than me, but seems like much more of a grown up. When i talk to him i feel i'm talking to someone who is in his 40's at the very least. Maybe its because he is married and has older step-daughters. His wife is a bit older than him as well. And he has this interest in things that i don't know about, like cock fighting and such. I like to talk to him because I don't know what he will say. I feel i'm learning from him or at the least experiencing what i won't be able to. I enjoy our talks a lot. Most of the time I think I am listening. I don't feel confident about what I can contribute to the conversation. Most of my knowledge is in the arts, and there isn't much to do with that. lol. Well, I am proud that I have a background in biology. I think that keeps me grounded a bit. Having an interest in wildlife and the environment allows me to feel "real".

So, even though you might be thinking, so all you really did was be inside and drink. Well, yes. On the surface i just drank, but outside, having shots of tequila with the neighbor, in between beers, i felt comradery which has been absent. These talks will also help me write poetry which is true to people of the community, rather than my perception of who they are.

I also watched a Korean film, Chaw. I haven't seen to many Korean films, the other i remember well being The Host. I enjoyed both, although it takes a bit to accept the mesh of horror and comedy within the film. Each has a foolish character mixed in with the heroic, and of course the monster. It's strange trying to remember similar American films, but none come to mind. Although if there were a few, i doubt I would enjoy them as much. I also tried watching a french film, but it was dubbed. I hated films that are dubbed. Anyways, it had been a while of seeing a foreign film (horror films count). Usually foreign films can be quite "real" in that they are a bit more "down to earth" that American films. Ah, i know: they don't always have happy endings. I don't like happy endings anyways, but after a while, it can be too much. lol

Anyways, I'm headed to austin for a few days, so I feel good. Might not blog until Saturday. Until then. adios.

The AC is out

and I live in south texas. that means it's going to get freaking hot in the house. That means I have to get a new unit (central air). That means about $5,000.

It also means someone is pissed at me. Right now it does hurt, but at the same time I don't care. Estoy cansado.

Still haven't heard from Conference people.
Austin trip more than likely cancelled. *sucks*

ah, vida, lets look on the bright side.

a. I got my computer working again after the Hard Drive crash. Now i will try to recover all the lost data. Luckily I had my poetry and old school work saved. I mostly lost photos, although the more important ones are on flickr.

*i just had a small sense of relief: maybe it's the writing or U2 on pandora*

b. a recommended person will be visiting the house on Saturday to see about repairs/replacement.

c. i can actually afford the replacement. *saving coming in handy*

*listening to more U2: New Years Day*

one last good thing: of the many bigger problems I could be plagued with, I am not. I have what I need to be happy. I have potential in the arts/research.

The way i make things seem on here is likely overblown. but i think this is the first place i vent. I need to write more poetry on here. I vent but I don't write: not productive.

*let's change that*