New Years, what else

could i possibly write about today. All those previous post where I write about changing for the better and taking advantage of opportunities amounts to this day. This is the day that I have worked for. It's sort of like a clean slate where my previous mistakes and shortcomings are not important. So, tomorrow when i'm cutting the grass and edges, I will be a new person (still with my good attributes, just a better version).
I popped fireworks but wasn't with my family, which saddened me. I'm used to celebrating with my mom and siblings, and their children. We eat a modest meal, but the most fun for me is the fireworks. It's the event which only comes twice a year, so being able to afford it is quite nice. But my mom was visiting my oldest brother in Houston. I didn't get too sad since she was able to spend time with my brother and sister. So, i'm not going to be selfish, but I wish I had gotten together with my younger sister and brother.
There are times I think of how the family will react when my mom passes away. After she is gone, will we still get together. It's been a constant for me, meeting with family for special occasions. I'm afraid we wont. I suppose the easiest way to ensure it doesn't happen is by keeping us together. It would seem easy to do, but by nature i'm a loner. Even now with my mom living less than a mile away, I only see her twice a month or so. those are actions i will regret in the future.
New Years Day is a great day, but also places a lot of pressure on individuals. I have to deal with it as far as submitting my poetry goes. I applied to the CantoMundo program and once again hoping I make it. I didn't last year, which is somewhat disappointing, and if I again get rejected, well...those which were accepted must be better than me. I know a few applying and I honestly think they are better than me. It's not a conceited though, it's just that I personally know them and their poetry, and I rather them go. lol I still want to go, but if not me, they deserve to be accepted.
Guess there was more to New Years Day than "resolutions". 

Two-in-one

Today i took a self day. Those days where its just about me, really. As always, when life wasn't busy they were more common. Now with 2 jobs it's more difficult, even when I try to plan for them. So today i did small things like fix the fence, buy the girls a bigger bed so they can all take doggie naps on them, went to salvation army, had a pineapple slushie (+ tapioca), and took a book to the park to read a bit.
It's not the most complex or longest book, but I have been wanting to read it for awhile since the author is from the RGV. I recognize many of the places mentioned. What I'm not certain about is the language used. It's difficult (or seems to be) to make the language authentic; i'm guessing not as accessible and less sales. There was an opportunity to meet the author but i failed to go. I forgot what i was doing or if i was feeling anti-social. I thought i was doing something, but who knows. It would have been a good opportunity.

I am slow reader and I only read for an hour, so I made it to chapter 7. I will attempt to finish the book before the weekend is over. It was peaceful at the park in the sense that there were happy noises all around. right now i'm only getting silence, so i didn't want to stay in to dark of a mood. I'm not making too many notes while reading, but occasionally I'll mark a local landmark I'm familiar with or I will analyze which words are placed in spanish or would be considered "pocho" language.

I also want to review a picture I found one evening while I was jogging.I enjoy taking pictures as much as I do finding random ones. I found this photo:

I'm sure the date is wrong one way or another. It's cute. Two girls (sisters?) with similar sweaters and the youngest child posing behind a nicely decorated christmas tree and plenty of presents. They look happy is probably the main reason I enjoy this photo. I think of family. I have family but I keep my distance at times for no reason at all. I'm working on resolutions, which I haven't tried before, but this is the year I need to focus and get myself straight. Maybe in the end, a similar picture with me in it will be found somewhere.

Dissappointed

in myself for last night. Drank too much and said bad things. Now I feel ashamed. Instead of being creative, I became destructive. I don't like myself in that form. Worse is how it makes me feel the next day. Much worse is the person I hurt.
What does this mean? drink-fast. learn to appreciate loved ones. don't bottle up. speak respectfully. love. care for others. be productive.
These moments have a way of bringing out the worst in me. I think I'm usually a good person, but last night i was a horrible person. the guilt is bad today.

cuando estoy borracho
se me sale el indio
de mi papa
el corajudo
que siempre estaba
en mal humor
y golpeaba
mi madre

debes de decir
cariños
me decia

¿quieres que te arregle?

tengo susto
que diran

¿recuerdas papa?

i-gua-li-to.

Sometimes

you think everything is right, but it's not. I'm getting one of those feelings. But no way to know until what is not right happens.

In the meanwhile I am working in a manuscript to submit to a comrade. The strange part about the writing world (as is everything else) is the competitiveness. We all know that we are working against one another although belonging to an art which benefits from assisting each other.

I don't believe "we" (that means this is a disclaimer) focus on creating small groups and helping those people out. We don't help out as many as we can.

I feel as if i'm saying everything with twice the words i need to use.

Let me be precise:

To survive it feels as if we

1. need to be selfish
2. network for the purpose of benefit
3. are pressured by time
4. never know what is going on around us

The last reason wasn't that good but somewhat close. Time to help a friend with some editing.  I hope to organize my home office this week while i am off of work. I hope to be productive.

*adios*

Time for Another Entry

No point in catching up on what has happened the past two months. I'll just skip to this moment as I watch La verdadera historia de la llorona (2007). I bought it at la pulga this Thanksgiving Thursday in my attempt to watch more "culturally relevant films". But usually when i pick these films they are modern takes of classic stories. I enjoy watching random Mexican films in particular because of their small budgets. It adds some humbleness and lets me place more emphasis on the acting and directing. American films with larger budgets (i.e Captain America: The First Avenger) are sometimes lacking.
This movie isn't historical, but it's a good story. A married businessman has an affair with his secretary who then becomes pregnant. All the meanwhile, the secretary sleepwalks and calls out "mis hijos".
The real story is the affair, which goes back to the belief that stories carry a moral story. The truth is sometimes i watch these films without worrying about the moral or the exploitation of women and minorities. I tell myself that I learn from watching these films because I understand more of how they are exploited. Other times I think i enjoy it [the general word of all].
Could a psychiatrist explain what I am feeling? Would it matter if they told me since I'm not sure I would believe their analysis. [oh oh, the wife just found out the secretary is pregnant]
Betrayal is harsh.  Somehow this movie is turning out good even though it has little to do about la llorona, unless it considers itself an origin story. I am scared easily by horror films. I wouldn't consider this movie a horror film, but I'm not turning off the lights either. lol

*back to the movie*

Catching Up

is difficult when I have too much. Full-time work at the university & teaching three courses at another, and besides that trying to maintain a stable home life. [oh yeah, i forgot i was participating in an weekly creative writing workshop] A mentor told me in passing "Be Carefull" and she was right once again. I feel tired, behind in both my jobs, and unhappy with home.

Somehow I get small pleasures in: music, photography, friends. This is a photograph I took this photo last week. I like taking  pictures. It's relaxing. It's also a positive challenge.

Anyways, still plenty to do. Right now i should be working and organizing. but i needed a break. I hope someone is reading this. if you are, i apologize for the randonmess, lack of benefit from reading this blog. But, as a "treat" I will include my revision of my "chicano" poem.

I know of changes i want to make, including: having different spellings for "chicanos" as well as adding lines, such as "even chicanos/go to jail".

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

even chicanos

get asco
at a prieto
complexion
and light siblings

even chicanos

visit pocho-
land-
and don’t come back

even chicanos

hide behind
jesus, maiden
names, and peacocks
even chicanos

chug budweiser
screaming mother
¿por qué no me visitas?

even chicanos

marry mexicanas
own two kids
and live complacently
ever after

seriously...

how did close to a month pass by? I suppose once the school year started i became busy with teaching/advising. I'm already feeling tired. I have to find my motivation/energy by completing small tasks at home and giving myself "treats" every so often. I'm improving with my teaching in the sense that class is becoming hands-on rather than all lecture.
I did have a minor vacation by going to the Austin City Limits Music Festival, of which you can see photos at Random Photos Here.
It was fun, although I was sick the first day. that bit. but i don't have so much time to think of that. now i have to think about surviving until Dec. 15th. Sept. Oct. Nov. Dec. = 3 Months.
Next week I will be presenting some of my poetry at a conference. damn, i need to get that together.
I am also participating in a community workshop. have to get that together also.

Also, the past few years I have forgotten what today is about, Sept. 21st. We each have our moments for mourning and today is the closest I have. On Sept. 21, 1989 an accident caused a school bus of jr high and high school students to fall into a deep caliche pit. At that moment and a few days later, 21 kids passed away. This happened in my community, about a mile from where I live. My family did not lose any blood relatives that day, but my older brother and sisters knew people who died. I remember being 10, in elementary school, and hearing the news. I cried. I can't remember crying anywhere else as a kid, but in that moment. At home, my father seemed to feel a helpless anger; the type from poverty. I feel ashamed when I forget today. The memory of those kids deserves better.