12 minutes

Until I can get out of work. And then I will be meeting w/ friend at Buffalo Wild Wings for some food, thought not wings, because it seems like such a little piece of meat. We will be watching Monday Night Football and me doing nothing more than relaxing before tomorrow, which I am taking off from work and hoping to productively use to cash my check and work on thesis. Yes, thesis which I avoided during the Thanksgiving break. Although by Sunday I think it backfrired because I spent most of the day in that type of mood where you just want a reason to argue. Damn, it's impossible for me to avoid that mood every once in a while. Part of it is my curiousity to see what disaster will happen or how well I can control my bad mood. It never works out. Por eso dicen que tengo tanto coraje. Pero no es coraje, es que me fastidio con las cosas que nunca hago. Ya se, es mi culpa.

So writing on blog helps a bit with being able to be random and not expecting a response [usually].

Here is a random dream from last night, one I haven't had in a while.

1. I dreamt that sometime in the middle of the semester I realize I had been missing a class [as in not attending]for most of the school semester. The rest of the dream deals with me avoiding a complete F or wondering what should do to fix the situation. What does dream mean? I'll look it up later but I hope it doesn't have anything to do anything with inadequacy. lol

2. Second dream was a mixture of school and past. I was in a lecture hall in a Math course, once again one I had not attended in a while, and when I show up I see on one side of the lecture hall my younger brother seating with three old acquaintaces/neighborhood classmates of mine. I never really talked to them, it was just a matter of them living in the same neighborhood. Anyways, one of the hood people starts telling me how they killed my dog. [some background information, they were talking about an actual dog of mine which died when he must have twisted his head within chair. It was strange, sad]. When hood guy was telling me the details I yelled something like "Fuck you" or along there and went to the other side of the lecture hall. At first there were some students where I sat, but slowly they started to head out until I was sitting on that side by myself. End dream.
Okay, so that must mean something, right? lol Who knows. For now, maybe ever, it's just a dream.

It's Official

I will not be graduating this December after all. I'm sad, definitely, but the extra time will help me prepare and do a better job. It was a tough decision because I didn't want to feel as if I failed, but I wasn't putting much effort into it lately. I'm trying to figure out why, and part of it was being tired from work. I didn't have enough drive to make myself work after getting home. I think it was a number of reasons, but the point is I lost focus. So now I will be graduation Spring 10. Some paperwork to change, but nothing big. I'm not saddened, I just wish I would have done a better job.

anyways, that's the news for today. I'll use it as a positive, maybe attend a conference, submit more poems, random activities.

Thank you Employee Tuition program. Thanks to you I won't have to pay for the course.

Santa, Tato, y Sprocket

In that order as they happened. I was able to buy a small sculpture by UTPA student Jose Garcia (nopalitos@juno.com) of Santa. This is not "ho,ho,ho" Santa. This is some perverse Santa who must like to get his jollies with smashed women. He reminds me so much of myself. I'm joking! Here is a photo, and I bought this piece because it is Christmas time but just love the way he is having a great laugh. Ay Santa, I can only imagine what you were up to.


After my workday I spoke with poeta Tato Laviera for an interview hopefully published in UTPA's Gallery magazine. I was nervous but decided to be myself, or who I would like to be and who I am when I am not shy. Este Tato knows how to make a conversation into mucho mas. Even before the official interview began he was giving me valuable information on some projects I was considering and extremely helpful with encouragement. The actual interview went well, and I tried to base my questions according to what he was saying. The questions I prepared were stale, and it wasn't easy anticipating his responses. It isn't like the times I interviewed coaches and answers could essentially be scripted.

Lastly, on this odd day Thursday, Sprocket (mini-Schnauzer) became ill around Noon or so. At this moment she has diarrhea and vomiting. I'm going to wait a day before I take her to vet. I took a cat once to the vet. I named his after the street I lived in, Kantunil. Awesome name. lol. I hope it's just a bug, but I have never been good with pets and their illness. Just hope all is well.

So that was Thursday. Today I'm going to a "sidewalk and starving artist SALE" in McAllen, although it's raining right now and don't know how hungry they are for funds. Hope there is something good around there. I'll post it if I find anything.

How to Stay Mexican

or pocho, or yes Mexicano Americano y todas esas palabras que usamos. I was taking a friend to the airport and we couldn't resist a picture of the señor riding in the truck bed getting some sleep. Classic. Anytime I meet someone from around the country I can't help asking about how it is on their side of the states. I wonder if we are different. If Mexicanos aqui son como los de alla. It's always a yes. This border is different because we have fajitas, and calles del taco. Aqui we aren't afraid to listen to our ranchera music en las fiestas y dar nuestros gritos. This is home to all of us. Estamos entre rancho y cuidad, no como El Paso or Los Angeles. Tal vez otros piensan que casi estamos muertos mientras hacemos lo que hacemos, y no nos importa! Como este señor, no le vale quien lo mire. Lo importante es el descanso.



Sometimes I think about moving, but I'm afraid I would miss it too much. I haven't even moved out of Alton. I have become so attached to it, I laugh at living in a subdivision, or "hidden valley" estates, donde los neighbors might say "They are cooking out again, I hate it when the smell takes over the house and just lingers." Me? I love that smell, hasta the way a mujer tiene olor de fajitas y mesquite.
I know I won't have to worry as much about my house being broken into, pendejos kicking my dog if it gets loose, pero por qué no me voy?

Por qué am I asking others about Mexicanos que seem far away? Reynosa no es Ciudad Juarez, ni es Tijuana. Entonces por qué espero que sean igualitos de este lado? I just want to hear it, that we are different here. I do not want to find otra valle. Quiero que esta sea la ultima.

New Puppy

I was called a dad because of a new puppy I got. It's true, it has a similar feeling of being a father. I know, i know, it's completely different. But don't you get a similar type of joy caring for someone else? Watching as their mind develops and playing together, vet visits, and living together every day? A puppy is a substitute child. So this pug (Suki)I received from a co-worker. She has been doing pretty well although she did piss on one of the couch pillows. If you visit my house, beware. The mini-schnauzer (Sprocket) has adjusted well, and I think she enjoys having someone who can keep up with her instead of me who runs around for about 5 minutes and "yah, that's it, I'm sitting down."





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Still working on thesis and hoping to get it done soon.

Can't think of any words for poems right now, but maybe later.

Oh yeah, how can I forget to mention the Lucha Corpi reading. It went really well. As I read my poems I felt uncomfortable mostly because I wanted to change words in the middle of reading. Lucha had a good reading, and though she didn't read much, she did read from her newest novel and her poetry book. Hearing her talk on Chicano history was unexpected based on previous readers. The research with the psychic and involved in her writing gave me better insight to her stories. Overall a good night, although by the end I just wanted to go home.

Updated

So I never talked about the last two days of the Austin City Limits Festival. It's more awesome now thinking about it than living through it only because day 2 was all rain and day 3 was all mud. I'm better at observing than participating so I stayed out of the rain, under a tarp, and I tried not to do full body dives into the mud. The music was awesome though. My favorite were The Decemberist and the B-52s. A lot of other excellent musicians, but those stood out.

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On the poetry side, I am almost complete with thesis, meaning I'm not close to feeling proud of it, but I have to turn it in within the month.

I still haven't had the courage to ask my mom where she grew up. She has told me before but I keep forgetting. I think I feel guilty because
1. I keep forgetting
2. I will be using it for my thesis
3. Everyday is another day I don't ask

but I will ask. Sometimes I'm to hesitant for the things I should do.I haven't submitted anything lately, so I will have to do that as well. I need to attend more poetry readings, and one is coming up on Nov. 2nd for the dia de los muertos.

I think if I had children I would be more inspired to participate in dia de los muertos, or maybe if i knew muertos that I knew better. I know muertos.
1. Abuela Orosco
2. Tio Fernando

But I didn't connect with them as much. They were already older in my memories. That's what I say. But eventually I lose someone I have known for a lifetime and maybe then I will celebrate dia de los muertos. It will be an honor and a sign that I cannot let go.

ACL-Day One

Just some basic descriptions of my day:

1. Arrived in Austin at 12:20ish[Friday]or so
2. Drove around for about an hour and then parked where I had initially thought about parking. Total cost for parking $20.
3. Walked for like what seemed another 1/2 hour
4. Hard core tired, and finished the water I was going to drink during the festival.

Then it's like just like the good kind of chaos in there. Lots of stages and tons and tons of people. I was able to get fairly close to watch Avett Brothers and Phoenix [I touched the lead singer's elbow! but when I repeat the story I'll say shoulder]. Then went to see Bassnectar and sit down to write the poem I was inspired to write while watching Avett Brothers. I was watching Ghostland Observatory, and realized they can't make me fall into a dancing long grey haired man-young woman with a beautiful smile type of love. So I walked over to where John Legend was playing "Ordinary People" and realized I could in love to this.
People can manage to get upset with all this music and people around them: stupid.
Then I watched Them Crooked Vultures who put on a good show and the grand finale was Yeah Yeah Yeahs, which were awesome with their singing and having fun.

Then it was another walk [but this time it felt shorter] to the car, getting to hotel, checking in, and looking for food. By midnight was settled with 3 "Deluxe" Jack-in-the-Box burgers and a 6-pack of Modelos. I got through 3 of each.

In the end, I didn't care about those $20 for parking but maybe if I am going to spend that much I should go earlier. I plan to today [then again its already 10am].

So far I am ready for next year. The weather sounds interesting today. Maybe some rain.