seriously...

how did close to a month pass by? I suppose once the school year started i became busy with teaching/advising. I'm already feeling tired. I have to find my motivation/energy by completing small tasks at home and giving myself "treats" every so often. I'm improving with my teaching in the sense that class is becoming hands-on rather than all lecture.
I did have a minor vacation by going to the Austin City Limits Music Festival, of which you can see photos at Random Photos Here.
It was fun, although I was sick the first day. that bit. but i don't have so much time to think of that. now i have to think about surviving until Dec. 15th. Sept. Oct. Nov. Dec. = 3 Months.
Next week I will be presenting some of my poetry at a conference. damn, i need to get that together.
I am also participating in a community workshop. have to get that together also.

Also, the past few years I have forgotten what today is about, Sept. 21st. We each have our moments for mourning and today is the closest I have. On Sept. 21, 1989 an accident caused a school bus of jr high and high school students to fall into a deep caliche pit. At that moment and a few days later, 21 kids passed away. This happened in my community, about a mile from where I live. My family did not lose any blood relatives that day, but my older brother and sisters knew people who died. I remember being 10, in elementary school, and hearing the news. I cried. I can't remember crying anywhere else as a kid, but in that moment. At home, my father seemed to feel a helpless anger; the type from poverty. I feel ashamed when I forget today. The memory of those kids deserves better.

10 Days

But it feels so much longer. Another vent session? No, I'll take care of that on my own, although I am venting about myself.

Within the past week I have noticed a decline in my drive, or as we like to say in ESpanish, "flojera". I have had a lot of "flojera" [commonly known in English as lazyness] lately, in some cases it goes to the point of "hueva" [i don't know an English translation for this].

It got to the point that i took a nap or two at work this week. I dont' think I stayed up late any of those nights, but work has been slow, boring, and sleep inducing. Luckily once the Fall semester begins, it will be hectic, annoying, and sometimes depressing. These are all much better than annoying.

I have to send a check to the TACW people...tax deductible!

I haven't sent any poems in lately. I'm not really concerned about that. I'm more interested in scholarly research on the pocho, although I should also focus on the literature/poetry being created with that image. Maybe writing poems isnt' my passion. It's fun, but I use it more to flesh out my ideas.

No poem today. Just those thoughts. I wanted to write something before it became 2 months later. I'll write more later. adios.

Good News

I applied to present at the Texas Association of Creative Writing Teachers (TACWT) Conference in Austin and I was accepted. Not in the role I wanted, having my own panel titled "De Pocho a Chicano, y Back", but i was placed on a panel of poets. That might seem like "blah" but that's actually quite good. One lesson I learned on my mini-vacation is that there is not always a "pocho" at every reading. lol

Being from the RGV and all, there are a lot of chicano or mexican themes embedded in the poetry. However, when I performed at Open Mic at Ruta Maya this past week I was the only "mexicano". Not to say that all others were strictly American. I'm pretty sure one guy was british and another was french. It was good to listen to different nationalities reference problems from their respective countries. And then the strange, loud poets were also present. It would be too easy to say, "I want to live there because there is more variety". Yeah, as far as nationality there appeared to be more variety than in the RGV, but I think for my own "research interest" the variety in the RGV works quite good. Even though it may seem we are all "mexicanos" tambien hay sur americanos, whom have their own culture and traditions. It's simplistic to group "mexicanos" but i'm interested in the differences among us.

Back to the conference: I was planning on having a friend present with me as well, but our panel was not accepted, although the organizer did say there was room for more panels. This means 1. there was a mistake (lol) 2. I am going to resubmit the panel and hope it is accepted this time.

I plan on having fun in Austin while I am there. Not crazy fun, but poet fun, such as reading in other venues and relaxing. reading/writing in the park or cafe...etc. The conference in Sept. 22nd-24th although i have to see about work or when I have to attend. I'm assuming I don't have to attend the entirety or the banquet and such. I'll see what i can manage.

So, that's some good news for you. ;-)

AC now included

These past for days went by fast. I didn't blog because i had things on my mind. Things like no AC. but it was fixed for approximately $180 dollars. In south texas, AC is worth so much more. Although it was strange that at night, windows open and fans on all cylinders, i slept so good. the faint heat maybe put me in a comatose state, but i felt refreshed waking up, and it was easier to wake up. So, although during the day i won't miss the heat, at night i miss it just a bit.

I won't complain here so much today. Although i am worried about "D" telling me of cutbacks in the hospital. I think we can still make it through. But that's a big chunk of income. most of it goes to entertainment (or at least from what i see). Yes, there are bills she pays like cable, house alarm, insurance, student loans, and such. But if i can teach at least two courses. those will be covered. Everything else wouldn't be as crucial.

This weekend I didn't do much since it was mad hot and once the AC was repaired, I felt like only sitting inside. Well, I did drink though, and I spoke with my neighbor who surprisingly is only 3 or 4 years older than me, but seems like much more of a grown up. When i talk to him i feel i'm talking to someone who is in his 40's at the very least. Maybe its because he is married and has older step-daughters. His wife is a bit older than him as well. And he has this interest in things that i don't know about, like cock fighting and such. I like to talk to him because I don't know what he will say. I feel i'm learning from him or at the least experiencing what i won't be able to. I enjoy our talks a lot. Most of the time I think I am listening. I don't feel confident about what I can contribute to the conversation. Most of my knowledge is in the arts, and there isn't much to do with that. lol. Well, I am proud that I have a background in biology. I think that keeps me grounded a bit. Having an interest in wildlife and the environment allows me to feel "real".

So, even though you might be thinking, so all you really did was be inside and drink. Well, yes. On the surface i just drank, but outside, having shots of tequila with the neighbor, in between beers, i felt comradery which has been absent. These talks will also help me write poetry which is true to people of the community, rather than my perception of who they are.

I also watched a Korean film, Chaw. I haven't seen to many Korean films, the other i remember well being The Host. I enjoyed both, although it takes a bit to accept the mesh of horror and comedy within the film. Each has a foolish character mixed in with the heroic, and of course the monster. It's strange trying to remember similar American films, but none come to mind. Although if there were a few, i doubt I would enjoy them as much. I also tried watching a french film, but it was dubbed. I hated films that are dubbed. Anyways, it had been a while of seeing a foreign film (horror films count). Usually foreign films can be quite "real" in that they are a bit more "down to earth" that American films. Ah, i know: they don't always have happy endings. I don't like happy endings anyways, but after a while, it can be too much. lol

Anyways, I'm headed to austin for a few days, so I feel good. Might not blog until Saturday. Until then. adios.

The AC is out

and I live in south texas. that means it's going to get freaking hot in the house. That means I have to get a new unit (central air). That means about $5,000.

It also means someone is pissed at me. Right now it does hurt, but at the same time I don't care. Estoy cansado.

Still haven't heard from Conference people.
Austin trip more than likely cancelled. *sucks*

ah, vida, lets look on the bright side.

a. I got my computer working again after the Hard Drive crash. Now i will try to recover all the lost data. Luckily I had my poetry and old school work saved. I mostly lost photos, although the more important ones are on flickr.

*i just had a small sense of relief: maybe it's the writing or U2 on pandora*

b. a recommended person will be visiting the house on Saturday to see about repairs/replacement.

c. i can actually afford the replacement. *saving coming in handy*

*listening to more U2: New Years Day*

one last good thing: of the many bigger problems I could be plagued with, I am not. I have what I need to be happy. I have potential in the arts/research.

The way i make things seem on here is likely overblown. but i think this is the first place i vent. I need to write more poetry on here. I vent but I don't write: not productive.

*let's change that*

Checking In

mostly. I'm still waiting for word from the conference I applied to. They said a response would be sent by July 30th. Today is August 2nd. Do rejections take longer? lol I hope not. Planning a trip to Austin soon. I can't wait. Relaxation. Partying. Art. I'm thinking about moving there. Not now, maybe in two  years. Maybe I'll got to PhD school in San Marcos (not Austin because I don't think I'll make it).

Is there anything more I can do to make this blog more interesting? gossip? secrets?

Truth: sometimes i don't like reading other's poetry. meaning, it takes a lot of work for me to get interested. maybe it depends on subject matter, but i haven't figured it yet.

I wish i could get a full-time job teaching.  I am a bit jealous (envious) of one of my poetry friends. My friend posted on a networking site about earning a job which i am figuring is full-time work. We both are friend/acquaintance of the Chair. i suppose they knows each other better and influenced the outcome. My friend is very capable, great poet, and has been looking for work.

I think I realized I have to start applying to different universities. I get upset though. I think I'm good for the job and i know how things work, you know people and you get jobs. that's likely how i got this one and also teaching...but just get upset/jealous.

I think i'm more upset at myself though since it's moments like those that make me feel idle. as if i haven't done much to show progress. and if i would be more assertive and follow through with my projects i would have what i want.

*sorry blog, for purging these emotions on you all the time. who else would i tell?*

*and sometimes i believe i want what others have*

*ah, envy*

Why does time

seem to go by fast on here/out there. I felt it was only two days since i had written, but it's been more like four.

Feeling good today [which is somewhat disturbing that i have to say that out loud]. lol

I had a first topic in mind but since there is an obvious image next to my text, it's best I explain. I am currently working on a chapbook, titled "Text-Book" or as shown. The concept is explained on this flier i will be posting out locally, in hopes of receiving some submissions. It's not a new idea online, as I did see and note some earlier attempts. I haven't heard of a chapbook version, although not everything is online. Anyways, the point is i hope this is new. even if it isn't new, i hope it's better. i need to make it better, meaning different techniques for creating the chapbook as well as material. ya, this is a new start. should be a new start. has to be a new start. *start*

Feel free to add me on facebook or participate in the contest with the information found on the flier.

On another note, and i actually wanted to write this yesterday, i saw a video dealing with the cartel violence in mexico and along the border. i picked up the dvd from a neighbor and he was kind enough to lend it for a week already. i didn't watch until yesterday: it began as a basic informative news program which lasted an hour. it had good information, but was mostly already heard around here. then i saw the pictures of actual killings. i'm talking about beheadings. bodies which have been shot. that took me out of the idea that this cannot affect me. its often said that those who are being killed are directly involved, but in some cases bystanders are also murdered. the pictures made me think about how bad the violence will get. i want to visit mexico but hesitant, even along the border.

after that i messed around with the dvd and found the videos. these videos are serious. in the back of my mind i thought that maybe they were scripted or fake. i don't know...i get a bad feeling. i watched as the camera operator asked the middle aged man for his name and # (which is used as an identifying marker in the Zetas), and then proceeded to ask about his employer and what his activities were. he mentioned a few things like kidnapping and such, until the cameraman said that was good enough and then shot him. I jerked back at that. it made me feel a bit uneasy. I have never watched the "faces of death" series, but knowing this video could very well be real is disturbing. I wanted some knowledge into the cartel fighting and when I though i would be watching pictures it seemed like a fun idea. now it seems even like a dangerous idea. most of the videos had similar structure where an individual or group was asked for their name and # along with employer and activities. the worst one was the beheading. the gurgling of the slit throat. this war is real. 

i want to make a copy of it, which i can do easily in technical terms, but the feeling of doing so: uneasy.