This girl

Who is this person? I don't know I just found her picture on a best buy tablet. She had a whole bunch of photos on there and I wanted to see how well the tablet sent email/photos. It seemed to have done a good job. I might return and get more photos, in particular of one couple. These are similar to lost photos I have posted before or maybe not. Perhaps these belong in the category of stolen. I liked her expression.

I am planning more conferences soon and even considering AWP next year in Boston. I have two good opportunities here in South Texas with the NACCS  and TACWT conference. I also want to collaborate with others who are attempting to redefine pejorative terms. I'm working on pocho, but have a friend working on "chola". Another friend isn't sure which identity captures her experiences best: she knows she isn't Chicana, not American, but perhaps Mexicana.

I'm going to a reading tonight which i don't fully look forward to because it is Spring Break. I'm tired from a hectic two days filled with a music festival and a couple visiting. At least I don't have much planned for Saturday or Sunday, which means doing the work I should have done earlier.

Time to return to real life.

tired.

not frustrated, upset, or disappointed: just tired. hopefully this weekend will be good with the upcoming National Association for Chicana and Chicano Studies (NAACS) conference. i have the presentation prepared, with a few changes going through my mind. it's only 30 mintues so not much i can cover.
I have more ideas after talking to a fellow poet. She's more the poet than me.

Idea 1: "Identidad Crisis" (I like the title because it reminds me of the DC comic series). People talk about their identity: American, Mexican, Mexican American, Chican@, Latin@, Hispanic, Poch@.

Idea 2: Actually the first idea i had in the conversation but in thinking about it, perhaps it should be second. Thought of a poem title "how to determine if you are a poch@" It sounded better when i first thought of it. i'm not considering a silly poem. i want it to be serious, but it might have some humor: dark humor.

writing helps. i wanted to nurture myself more this semester and in some aspects i have. but i miss trips. i miss writing. i miss being absent from work. i miss time. imu

IDK

why today started off well with a visit to la pugla where i bought two frames shown below. Not a great picture,

 but those are it. purchase price was 50 cents. I bought some bulbs for outside and then came home to watch game and have a few drinks. At some point I started getting this feeling that I was not happy. It could be described as "blah". I felt like that for a couple of hours until now. I'm listening to CSS on vinyl in my newly decorated office [frames included].

A few days ago I found out the following:

Accepted to present at 2012 NACCS Tejas Regional Conference with Gabriel Sanchez this March. We will present our poetic and research themed presentation, titled "De Pocho a Chicano, Y Back.

I was starting to get worried because the announcement was supposed to be made early Jan. I think of early Jan as the 1st. lol Unfortunately, I failed in submitting to the Andres Montoya call for manuscripts. Although I feel i need to improve my poetry. Still not  liking the "poems must be in English".  

Maybe the "blah" feeling comes from not accomplishing what i wanted today. Although I didn't have much planned. Luckily I don't go to work tomorrow so I still have time to recover. I suppose today I should let this feeling run its course.

New Years, what else

could i possibly write about today. All those previous post where I write about changing for the better and taking advantage of opportunities amounts to this day. This is the day that I have worked for. It's sort of like a clean slate where my previous mistakes and shortcomings are not important. So, tomorrow when i'm cutting the grass and edges, I will be a new person (still with my good attributes, just a better version).
I popped fireworks but wasn't with my family, which saddened me. I'm used to celebrating with my mom and siblings, and their children. We eat a modest meal, but the most fun for me is the fireworks. It's the event which only comes twice a year, so being able to afford it is quite nice. But my mom was visiting my oldest brother in Houston. I didn't get too sad since she was able to spend time with my brother and sister. So, i'm not going to be selfish, but I wish I had gotten together with my younger sister and brother.
There are times I think of how the family will react when my mom passes away. After she is gone, will we still get together. It's been a constant for me, meeting with family for special occasions. I'm afraid we wont. I suppose the easiest way to ensure it doesn't happen is by keeping us together. It would seem easy to do, but by nature i'm a loner. Even now with my mom living less than a mile away, I only see her twice a month or so. those are actions i will regret in the future.
New Years Day is a great day, but also places a lot of pressure on individuals. I have to deal with it as far as submitting my poetry goes. I applied to the CantoMundo program and once again hoping I make it. I didn't last year, which is somewhat disappointing, and if I again get rejected, well...those which were accepted must be better than me. I know a few applying and I honestly think they are better than me. It's not a conceited though, it's just that I personally know them and their poetry, and I rather them go. lol I still want to go, but if not me, they deserve to be accepted.
Guess there was more to New Years Day than "resolutions". 

Two-in-one

Today i took a self day. Those days where its just about me, really. As always, when life wasn't busy they were more common. Now with 2 jobs it's more difficult, even when I try to plan for them. So today i did small things like fix the fence, buy the girls a bigger bed so they can all take doggie naps on them, went to salvation army, had a pineapple slushie (+ tapioca), and took a book to the park to read a bit.
It's not the most complex or longest book, but I have been wanting to read it for awhile since the author is from the RGV. I recognize many of the places mentioned. What I'm not certain about is the language used. It's difficult (or seems to be) to make the language authentic; i'm guessing not as accessible and less sales. There was an opportunity to meet the author but i failed to go. I forgot what i was doing or if i was feeling anti-social. I thought i was doing something, but who knows. It would have been a good opportunity.

I am slow reader and I only read for an hour, so I made it to chapter 7. I will attempt to finish the book before the weekend is over. It was peaceful at the park in the sense that there were happy noises all around. right now i'm only getting silence, so i didn't want to stay in to dark of a mood. I'm not making too many notes while reading, but occasionally I'll mark a local landmark I'm familiar with or I will analyze which words are placed in spanish or would be considered "pocho" language.

I also want to review a picture I found one evening while I was jogging.I enjoy taking pictures as much as I do finding random ones. I found this photo:

I'm sure the date is wrong one way or another. It's cute. Two girls (sisters?) with similar sweaters and the youngest child posing behind a nicely decorated christmas tree and plenty of presents. They look happy is probably the main reason I enjoy this photo. I think of family. I have family but I keep my distance at times for no reason at all. I'm working on resolutions, which I haven't tried before, but this is the year I need to focus and get myself straight. Maybe in the end, a similar picture with me in it will be found somewhere.

Dissappointed

in myself for last night. Drank too much and said bad things. Now I feel ashamed. Instead of being creative, I became destructive. I don't like myself in that form. Worse is how it makes me feel the next day. Much worse is the person I hurt.
What does this mean? drink-fast. learn to appreciate loved ones. don't bottle up. speak respectfully. love. care for others. be productive.
These moments have a way of bringing out the worst in me. I think I'm usually a good person, but last night i was a horrible person. the guilt is bad today.

cuando estoy borracho
se me sale el indio
de mi papa
el corajudo
que siempre estaba
en mal humor
y golpeaba
mi madre

debes de decir
cariños
me decia

¿quieres que te arregle?

tengo susto
que diran

¿recuerdas papa?

i-gua-li-to.

Sometimes

you think everything is right, but it's not. I'm getting one of those feelings. But no way to know until what is not right happens.

In the meanwhile I am working in a manuscript to submit to a comrade. The strange part about the writing world (as is everything else) is the competitiveness. We all know that we are working against one another although belonging to an art which benefits from assisting each other.

I don't believe "we" (that means this is a disclaimer) focus on creating small groups and helping those people out. We don't help out as many as we can.

I feel as if i'm saying everything with twice the words i need to use.

Let me be precise:

To survive it feels as if we

1. need to be selfish
2. network for the purpose of benefit
3. are pressured by time
4. never know what is going on around us

The last reason wasn't that good but somewhat close. Time to help a friend with some editing.  I hope to organize my home office this week while i am off of work. I hope to be productive.

*adios*