Relief

is here. I feel so much better after finishing up the NACCS Conference. It was a good experience to speak at a more scholarly level than what I am used to. It wasn't without its mistakes, but like is always said, "a start". Speaking at NACCS with my Raving Press buddy also introduced us to many others, although we need business cards and I can't believe we didn't take any. We have been out of it (getting together and actually working on publishing a project) for so long we weren't in sync in that sense. However, we seem to think similarly or be able to bounce ideas of off each other so that worked well as usual. It also gave us something to do (conferences) and it freshened up our working relationship.
Now we are planning more conferences, like the Social Justice conference held at UT-Pan American on April 29th. We are likely to get some work in during a poetry festival down here in the RGV. And this weekend we are getting together to start submitting to publications. Sounds like fun. lol....fun for writers. I have started gathering information on some magazines/journals which are looking for submissions and I'm hoping to get published again. When I first started submitting it seemed like I couldn't get rejected. Now, I am struggling to be published. I think i'm starting to feel the rejections a bit more although I work full time and have volunteering on the side, so i'm not using it as a source of income or means of trying to build up my work. But i do want to get published.

Here is a picture of Gabriel and I during our first panel.

I think that is all i'm thinking about. Now i have to get back to teaching and other small tasks I have, running a volunteer session is one of them. I'm always nervous when going in front of a group, but most often when I feel I am not prepared. I'm not prepared right now.

A New Day

seems to be the attitude I will have to take each day. Will I go through the seven stages of (job) loss? I am about to turn the corner on anger, but I don't know what comes next.

I'm trying to keep busy and feed my creative side. At the moment I am helping a friend produce some chapbooks, meaning I'm making the copies and putting them together. Before that though I had created the layout and helped w/ revision. I love creating chapbooks. Seriously. Those sometimes cheap looking booklets have a lot of charisma in comparison to many books I have come across.

This is the cover:

The chapbook is called Vidas Cruzadas, translating to "crossed lives". It is a collection of poems created by women in a halfway house located in the Rio Grande Valley. Most of the women spoke Spanish and likewise, there is Spanish in the chapbook. Unfortunately I wasn't able to participate in the poetry workshops, but I was happy to help produce the chapbook.

I would have liked to create a chapbook for my upcoming panel in the National Association for Chicana and Chicano Studies(NACCS)Tejas Regional Conference, but I don't think I have the time. I have to teach on Wednesday, plan on Thursday, and the conference is Friday morning. In addition I am working full-time, so that means "no time".

must keep busy.
----------------------------

Reynosa II

In my grandfather’s house
mamá was in the kitchen
dad in abuelo's room.

They talked
como coyotes enojados
and all i could catch
from his berrinche was
"no, es que"

y estos días digo
después de odiarlo

no, es que

     los ricos no entienden

no, es que

     no nos dejan

no, es que

     nos mienten

no, es que

     siempre seremos pobres

no, es que

     ella está enojada

no, es que

     no es lo mismo

no, es que

     en los estados unidos es diferente

no, es que

     ya no es mi hijo

no, es que

     somos hechos de vicios

no, es que

     no se que decir

Low Point

wouldn't be the exact word for this portion of my life, but for the sake of being over dramatic i'll stick to it.

I just found out I was not accepted to the CantoMundo 2011 writing workshops. I'm disappointed for two reasons: first, I had forgotten I applied and secondly, obviously I didn't get in. This produces a bit of poet envy in me because now I want to know who actually got in. And this becomes dangerous because work is compared and trying to validate my rejection and their acceptance.
I actually thought I had a decent chance, but then again I haven't applied myself a lot to attending workshops, mainly because of full time work. But CantoMundo 2011 was going to be in Austin, so close and a favorite city of mine.

I hate rejection at this level. I don't mind being rejected from journals and magazines because those are numerous. But this workshop is once a year. I wish I could write to them and ask, "why exactly was I not chosen?" Primarily so I know where to improve.

Oh, well. I'll try to compensate by doing something else.

--------------------------------------------------------------

Reynosa I

hace quince años
caminaba con mis padres
en el centro

ellos fueron
a comprar queso
y aguacate

y yo fui
a chispas
para jugar
arcade games

antes cuando
simplemente
era un diversión
y yo no era
americano,
ni pocho
o chicano

cuando yo
era un niño
me gustaba
caminar entre
el centro
inadvertido

Outside

And drinking a budweiser not sure what to think or do. I don't want to do anything else other than be outside or at home. This day somewhat feels like a waste of time. I didn't do much until 11 when I started reviewing a thesis for a friend. Two hours later I went to visit my mom who wasn't there, but my younger brother was. Then I cooked lunch and now I'm here. It doesmt feel like much.
Spending time alone makes me think to much. I enjoy it and hate it as well. The reason I know I won't go into teaching full time right now is because I'm not mature enough with my time. I always seem to waste it away. At some point today I thought about how I distance myself from everyone/most. But at the same time I try to do everything I can for them. I think I should do more for myself but I don't go through with it; id rather help someone.
It is a struggle figuring out what I really want. I want everything but I can't have it all, and sometimes I stop myself. I believe others give themselves a chance but I don't. I help out others here and there but I never(?) give myself the chance to fail. Not to say I don't do things, but I do safe, creative things.
As you can see there has been a lot of thinking lately.

When the south
texas freeze lifted
I was left
a burned and decrepid
tulipan.

Withered leaves
on limp arms,
a marching soldier
picking my last
spring.

Dissapointing News

about the job i was hoping to get. Turns out because of Texas budgeting I may not get the job at all, and in best case scenario about 2 months. That may not seem long but I already had my office pretty much packed. sucks. there are more words to describe what i'm feeling but those sum it up.
They said they had enough budget for one year but that was all. I was willing to take that risk, but I was advised not to. Wish i would have received different advice, but perhaps it was for the best. Right now i'm just upset with the situation and wondering how i will do it. this past year has been stressing on me and i haven't felt creative as before. I want help being creative but i'm not getting it. I wanted to be more like myself, but it's not happening. I have to try a different approach because I am stubborn sometimes and at other times lazy. I want too much.

On the bright side i'm so pissed I feel like writing.

we switched roles
your the doctor
i'm the crosswalk volunteer
after here you'll buy
a six pack of the cheapest
in my house
i don't feel at home

no trades,
just new perspectives
and we will
love our lives again.

----ah, to write crappy poetry----

Stress

starting. Presentations and work. But idle hands are the devils plaything? I'm not sure if that's accurate but I think it's true. Best to keep myself busy.
Anyways, I realized that if I had to much free time I wouldn't do much with it, meaning I'm not motivated to work on my poems or do enough on my own (for ex. around the house). When I am busy, then I feel a greater urgency to accomplish more.

Still, no new poems. I haven't placed photos here either. Two omissions.

Oh, still waiting to hear from the job which i was quietly told i was likely getting. Still waiting is torture. It is doubt and paranoia.

Have I thought of anything important lately? no. i think i might have writers block. not good.

*couldn't think of anything this hour*

Day Off

Means time to do chores. Some small chores like eyeglasses and going to STC to turn in paperwork at HR and realizing all of STC is officially closed...something I had reminded myself of just yesterday. Bad memory.
Then a meeting with Faculty mentor to review volunteer at JCCC. This is more of a short post than a blog. I'm going to include more pictures in here because I was looking at older posts and I enjoyed how I incorporated photos with my own poems and such. I need to start writing again, and start submitting more poems. I should make of list of "Things I Should Do", but I really don't think it will be of much help. Another post later tonight, with a photo.

This Month

will be busy. Not because I have so much to do, but more because I think about it to much trying to think of different scenarios. I plan for the worst, best, situations in between. It's tiring. I daydream a lot, and worry as much.

February's Schedule:
1. Concert
2. Poetry Reading
3. Volunteer Meeting
4. Class Meeting
5. School Presentation
6. Conference
7. Full time work & Half time work

Is this a lot? I'm sure others can do it without a second thought but I have to many thoughts. I consider myself lucky though that these tasks keep me busy...and I have work. I probably should just think less. When I read my post I realize I repeat myself a lot. I do the same when I lecture in class, which is boring of course, but I need for them to understand. I probably repeat myself in all aspects.

A poem? Maybe just to get something out.

I gave up
safety.
I gave up
resistance.
I sent
myself
into dark
spirals.
I placed
myself
in Pandora’s
grasp.
------------------

I'm not feeling anyting extra Mexicano today. I did see a photo at South Texas College in McAllen, TX which I thought funny. I don't think it needs an explanation.

Cambio

For me, trying to get my head straight, trying to be less like my father who was unfaithful to my mother. Wondering if it can still be the same. Why did i do this to myself?

That's my confession.

And in the meanwhile I have to prepare for the NAACS conference. I hope it works out, although I should have done better to change the title. I made a mistake with that, and that's a lesson for next time. Going to meet with my partner soon and hope we can work through a good chunk of our presentation. I haven't done much else besides be here and not do much else. I haven't done much besides existing. It sucks. Because it makes me feel lazy (since I am being lazy). Do writer's often have overwhelming feelings of underachievement? I did finish a job interview on Thursday, but as I was doing it I started thinking if it was the right job for me. I also pretty much told them that I was looking at a 5 year plan and then deciding which other areas were avaialable to me. Is that the right thing to say during an interview? lol I'm thinking not, but maybe they realize I have a plan. They are interviewing someone else on Monday and maybe they will decide within the end of the week.

More change I hope. I'll just work on the conference and see what happens.

-im sorry-