Outside

And drinking a budweiser not sure what to think or do. I don't want to do anything else other than be outside or at home. This day somewhat feels like a waste of time. I didn't do much until 11 when I started reviewing a thesis for a friend. Two hours later I went to visit my mom who wasn't there, but my younger brother was. Then I cooked lunch and now I'm here. It doesmt feel like much.
Spending time alone makes me think to much. I enjoy it and hate it as well. The reason I know I won't go into teaching full time right now is because I'm not mature enough with my time. I always seem to waste it away. At some point today I thought about how I distance myself from everyone/most. But at the same time I try to do everything I can for them. I think I should do more for myself but I don't go through with it; id rather help someone.
It is a struggle figuring out what I really want. I want everything but I can't have it all, and sometimes I stop myself. I believe others give themselves a chance but I don't. I help out others here and there but I never(?) give myself the chance to fail. Not to say I don't do things, but I do safe, creative things.
As you can see there has been a lot of thinking lately.

When the south
texas freeze lifted
I was left
a burned and decrepid
tulipan.

Withered leaves
on limp arms,
a marching soldier
picking my last
spring.