Why does time

seem to go by fast on here/out there. I felt it was only two days since i had written, but it's been more like four.

Feeling good today [which is somewhat disturbing that i have to say that out loud]. lol

I had a first topic in mind but since there is an obvious image next to my text, it's best I explain. I am currently working on a chapbook, titled "Text-Book" or as shown. The concept is explained on this flier i will be posting out locally, in hopes of receiving some submissions. It's not a new idea online, as I did see and note some earlier attempts. I haven't heard of a chapbook version, although not everything is online. Anyways, the point is i hope this is new. even if it isn't new, i hope it's better. i need to make it better, meaning different techniques for creating the chapbook as well as material. ya, this is a new start. should be a new start. has to be a new start. *start*

Feel free to add me on facebook or participate in the contest with the information found on the flier.

On another note, and i actually wanted to write this yesterday, i saw a video dealing with the cartel violence in mexico and along the border. i picked up the dvd from a neighbor and he was kind enough to lend it for a week already. i didn't watch until yesterday: it began as a basic informative news program which lasted an hour. it had good information, but was mostly already heard around here. then i saw the pictures of actual killings. i'm talking about beheadings. bodies which have been shot. that took me out of the idea that this cannot affect me. its often said that those who are being killed are directly involved, but in some cases bystanders are also murdered. the pictures made me think about how bad the violence will get. i want to visit mexico but hesitant, even along the border.

after that i messed around with the dvd and found the videos. these videos are serious. in the back of my mind i thought that maybe they were scripted or fake. i don't know...i get a bad feeling. i watched as the camera operator asked the middle aged man for his name and # (which is used as an identifying marker in the Zetas), and then proceeded to ask about his employer and what his activities were. he mentioned a few things like kidnapping and such, until the cameraman said that was good enough and then shot him. I jerked back at that. it made me feel a bit uneasy. I have never watched the "faces of death" series, but knowing this video could very well be real is disturbing. I wanted some knowledge into the cartel fighting and when I though i would be watching pictures it seemed like a fun idea. now it seems even like a dangerous idea. most of the videos had similar structure where an individual or group was asked for their name and # along with employer and activities. the worst one was the beheading. the gurgling of the slit throat. this war is real. 

i want to make a copy of it, which i can do easily in technical terms, but the feeling of doing so: uneasy.

usually,

i don't look at what i have written before as i update the blog. in this case, i may repeat myself. the past week at work i have both metaphorically and literally fallen asleep. not for long stretches, but enough so that when i wake up i feel refreshed. *l* its funny because it happens. its not funny because sitting here feels like a waste of time. yeah, i know there are plenty for me to do online/with a computer:

1. write/revise poetry
2. work on poxo [pocho] research
3. work on raving press website
4. update blog
5. figure out a sound financial plan for the next 5 years
6. bills [dang, just realized i forgot to pick up a bill from my mom]

and the list sigue y sigue. but the amount of work i can accomplish from my desk feels redundant. sitting here i only think about being outside. outside i:

1. take pictures at Santa Ana Wildlife Refuge

2. take the girls out for a walk

3. repairs at home

4. writing at home

5. reading at home

6. random driving

and this list sigue y sigue.

but the actual point of this all is that i have felt better the past two days. and i'm trying to convince myself that part of this listless feeling is mental. it's not entirely, but i haven't been doing the necessary to keep my body active. come to think of it, sounds like i haven't been doing much with myself recently. "today is different": i don't like that saying or they way it makes it seem as if change happens instantaneously. change is gradual. maybe i can say "today will not be like yesterday". On Sunday i did apply for a panel in the 2011  Texas Association of Creative Writing Teachers conference in Austin. I hope i get it. I find out July 30th.

*back to work*

Practicing

updating this blog. I'm a bit out of it right now because full-time work is slow. it makes me sleepy. it makes me passive. Some family drama this weekend, but it is all too personal to mention here. then an #1 is in love with #2, but forgets about #3. Then older woman comes into my office, and is from same town, and had once been a Chavarria [relation yet unknown, and i don't want to know].
I am emotionally spent. lol
I was supposed to attend a reading today but I am tired. I want to go home, take care of home stuff and have a glass of moscato.

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even chicanos
are burdened
by brown
complexions
and light
siblings

even chicanos
feel guilty
for leaving
the pocho
motherland

even chicanos
drink budweiser
to the point
of raising
hell

Tired

From good events.

1. Poetry at Simon Sez, a local dive bar. My first appearance  here was awkward. Nobody was listening from the regular patron section. The poets listened, but that doesn't count. The second time around i was more confident and it wasn't as full. Also, i was one of two poets and a "rapper" so not as much pressure.  I want to read again and more in different places. It was during the week [tuesday] so it took a lot of me. lol

2. late night movies for the last of the Harry Potter series. This was just for fun, but it made the night last until 3AM.

At the moment I am drinking a beer, watching the film  Let Me In, a remake of Let the Right One In. I usually don't like remakes but this one is so similar, it feels like i am watching the original except I don't have to look up from the computer to read subtitles. The point is i can have it as background noise.

A few days ago i realized that poxo [pocho] is becoming more "recognized', meaning there are a few people questioning its significance. In my daydream we collaborate. We exchange ideas towards the concept of a fragmented population with different identities of pocho. I have to write to them, but first I should collect my ideas, proofs, examples. I hope this works out. I hope the conferences will give me some credibility.

I need to progress the idea of poxo [pocho], and in the process live a normal life.

It's Never Enough

*sigh*

Listening to System of a Down's song "Toxicity" to hopefully purge myself of this [title] feeling.

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I took a few days off from working on the chapbook...somewhat. I gathered a book and $10 gift certificate for the Text-Book project. My mind needed to rest between the grading and such. I think I decided to make a facebook "event" for my one-shot project as well. Although I'm not sure if I should give myself a bit more time for that one, meaning working on a logo since I think one-shot is going to be my side magazine/project. Rather then trying to recreate the same type of literature, i want to see something different all the time. That might work. Maybe I will give myself more time. Feeling frustrated [look above].

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Listening to Adele's "Rolling in the Deep" to shake off the anger.
*Went off listening to some music for a bit. A bit more myself, but not quite.*

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Anyways, back to literature. I need to start submitting poems again. One of my problems is that I can't multi-task. lol. I can try to create publications but then i let go of the writing. I try starting a website and there goes the writing again. Would this change if I had a full-time teaching position? Maybe. I'll write a  better blog later.

My Friend Said

my blog can be depressing...and it can be...but i'm just happy she reads it. lol
I tried reading my current book but wasn't able to get past a few pages. I will have more time to work on projects now that I found out I won't be teaching Summer II. I don't mind that. I have a full-time job and teaching was supplemental income (which I like). But getting the summer off before Fall [which was called a strong possibility] will help me complete projects and relax a bit. Right now I'm working on a "Text-Book" and a "Bad Poetry Book". I like both ideas, and with both i'm hoping to show a lighter side of poetry. For my next project....don't tell anyone, whoever may read this...is an "Erotic Chican@ Literature Book".

I looked up the term "erotic Chicano literature" and there was a book or two, but mostly it was scholarly. I want the stories included to range from love to sexy to risque. There is still quite a bit of time before I begin this project though since I haven't finished the others. ah, i just remembered I am helping someone with a personal chapbook...can't forget! Anyways, I need to do some research as well and find judges for the erotic chapbook. Since i am not familiar with the erotic genre, i wouldn't want to be the sole judge. that will give me time to find people and promote it.

i'm at work, so i have to get back to work. will write more later.

Before it is to late

I am going to post on here. Quite busy few days...not because I did a lot of work during the weekend, but thinking of ideas, working on some publications, responding to emails, and such.

The idea for the TXT-BK is off and going, and I created a facebook event which has garnered some responses. What does this mean?
1. I am surprised people have responded this early
2. I am excited about publishing again (again).

Q: How will this be different than the past 13 years I have been involved in publishing chapbooks and zines?
*hold on....just taking a moment to say...13 years? agh, where does the time go*

A: This time around I have more disposable income, rather than trying to do everything on the cheap. I still want to create that aesthetic of grassroots, but I'm working on making these more exclusive, refined, edited, and purposeful.

For this chapbook I am working with my friend/business partner Gabriel H. Sanchez. On the "Que Apesta?" one-shot I am working independently which will give me more creative control and allow me to be as random as i feel.

I need to take a trip. I need to get ideas. I need to buy books. I need to challenge myself.

I need to make business cards. Why don't I get people to help me? I don't know. I try to do this on my own.
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After writing this post i realized to myself "dude, you didn't even put some info here about the "TXT-BK" contest. So, here it goes if you are interested in submitting works for publication.




145 Characters.




One Poem.



Embrace the restraints.



Join the Text Poetry Challenge.



The challenge is to use 145 characters to create a poem. No theme, no lines, just write until 145. Top submissions will be featured in the publication, “Text-Book”, published by The Raving Press.

Photos and Art are encouraged…and spaces count.

Send submissions on facebook to Isaac Chavarría or Gabriel H. Sanchez. Entries may also be sent to ichavarria@utpa.edu as a word document.

Looking forward to seeing your work.

Deadline: Sept 15

Site

I created a new website (created meaning i bought a domain name) and have started thinking about expanding my research and interest in being Pocho. For now I am calling myself Poxo, a variant of Pocho, which is geared towards my upbringing as a Mexican American along the South Texas border region.

The site: Poxo Website

I only have the domain, meaning one page, but it is easy to work with. However, the fonts and styles are limited. There are some good functions, but if i want to take it further I will have to pay money. I don't want to pay money since I already have one website which is somewhat going to waste. I need to work on that, but I don't have time. I hardly have time for real live events. If i could find someone to work for free, that would be great. But, that usually doesn't happen. I had a person helping previously, but they weren't reliable and then just stopped helping.

I also started the "Que Pesta?" chapbook and I have garnered some interest. It's actually quite exciting. :-) I need to think of ideas, but we shall see what happens (in a good way).

*just a quick note, back to work (organizing my office, papers for ENGL course, and figuring out personal finances)