Alton Bus Crash

20 years ago I was 10. I was also in what should be 5th grade. I haven't talked much about today, 20 years ago, because I didn't believe it affected me much. But now i'm thinking twice because of sadness i feel around this time or when i think of the Alton Bus Crash. I usually manage to avoid the subject but i remember being in alton elementary and hearing about a bus crash. I remember crying, as awkward that may be because I didn't know what happened to my sisters. My sisters were safe, but the next couple of days I could feel the anger coming from Alton, and my dad, anger at children's lives taken away and no one to really blame. My brother, already in Houston at that time, calling to check what had happened. My sisters lost friends. I think even my friend lost a brother. I have constantly separated myself from death, but this is the closest I have come to being affected by it. Every year the memories are brought up. When the city started creating a park in the same area i had mixed feelings. Was this sacrilege to create a place of fun where so many died? My brother and nephews played paintball at the park a few weeks ago and I didn't even wonder about how he felt being there. To many the accident is a memorial on 5 mile and bryan, but when i live so close, the accident exist every day.

I avoid the newspaper articles and tv reports because it feels like exploitation. The media creates an image of Alton as a dump, but reveal their sensitivity by showing photos of martyr children and interviewing survivors. I can't take their hypocrisy and bad journalism. Maybe I am offended because they have stolen a private moment, as much as attention as it has received.

I called in sick to work today because i just didn't feel like being there. On sunday i was reading the first part of an Alton Bus story and I just felt sad. Every year for the past 20, and what have I done? It feels like nothing, or better yet, I ignore what happened.

It's a lot of emotions today, as it has been in the past, except today I'm taking the time to think about it more. It has been selfish of me, not really considering what others have thought of today. My sisters went on the next bus route, rather than the earlier one, which fell into the caliche pit. They lost a friend, but I haven't asked what they think years later. Sometimes I think we want to forget and leave that memory behind. Too many lives and what ifs. I don't know why I decided to actually think about it more, and how next year will go. But for some reason for all those persons who lived through today, I just want them to know that I haven't forgotten.