This weekend

i teared up/cried during the latest Batman film. I couldn't help it thinking about the events in Colorado and the different scenarios which may or may not have saved lives. It almost seemed to fit with the movie. The need to come together as a community rather than depend on one individual. We need hope.

On a completely different street, I read/watched Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter. I hadn't read a book for leisure in what seems a few years. Usually i was reading for class or research. I had forgotten how easy it was to read rather than laboring on analysis. It was a good book, but not amazing. The movie was horrible. First because it deviated from the book so much. Second, it was just a bad movie.

I enjoyed the experience of the theater more than watching the film. I arrived about 7 minutes late, and apparently at the dollar movies they start right on time. Then about 20 minutes into the movie the entire screen went dark. The people just kinda sat and waited for it to start again, sometimes saying like "I want my $1.50 back". *l* that was pretty funny.

After a bit, the movie started back up. Luckily I was sitting next to a fairly inexperienced mom. The kind you say, "if your child almost just choked on a candy, why would you let them get hold of the candies a second time....and let them almost choke, again." The baby then proceeded to be necio (it's a spanish word, look it up) and cried off and on, with her getting up and moving past me a few times.

I had the isle seat, by the way. The best part was when the baby dropped the bottle, and to find it, the inexperienced mom's mom was crawling on the outside edge of the isle and practically between my legs. I felt a bit raunchy at that moment. Eventually someone took the baby and sadly I started paying closer attention to the film. Not so good.

i found

another photograph. finding these pictures makes me want to write on here the most. it sometimes feels like this is the hidden part of me, yet hope others see. *and then back again i hope they don't see this*

Nothing unusual about this boy. I found the photo near my house so i wonder if he lives near some of the new apartments/condos on my street. Maybe the house was being cleaned and this picture was expandable. Probably has changed a lot in the two years since.

Even for me thinking about the past few months, it feels like a lot is changing for others and i remain stagnant. It's easy to be envious of the success others have found. I look at what i have accomplished and it never seems enough. These "wonderful" ideas seem like daydreams after a while. Am I missing support or am I missing drive? Probably drive. It's always easy to blame others. Maybe i want to much. I want to be a successful writer but then I want to be an academic as well. I was never good at multi-tasking.

And i'm even afraid of losing what i already have. just because you earned something doesn't mean you will always keep it. Success usually doesn't come early, but right now i wish it did.

my advice to young me (+ current me): you should do more.

This girl

Who is this person? I don't know I just found her picture on a best buy tablet. She had a whole bunch of photos on there and I wanted to see how well the tablet sent email/photos. It seemed to have done a good job. I might return and get more photos, in particular of one couple. These are similar to lost photos I have posted before or maybe not. Perhaps these belong in the category of stolen. I liked her expression.

I am planning more conferences soon and even considering AWP next year in Boston. I have two good opportunities here in South Texas with the NACCS  and TACWT conference. I also want to collaborate with others who are attempting to redefine pejorative terms. I'm working on pocho, but have a friend working on "chola". Another friend isn't sure which identity captures her experiences best: she knows she isn't Chicana, not American, but perhaps Mexicana.

I'm going to a reading tonight which i don't fully look forward to because it is Spring Break. I'm tired from a hectic two days filled with a music festival and a couple visiting. At least I don't have much planned for Saturday or Sunday, which means doing the work I should have done earlier.

Time to return to real life.

tired.

not frustrated, upset, or disappointed: just tired. hopefully this weekend will be good with the upcoming National Association for Chicana and Chicano Studies (NAACS) conference. i have the presentation prepared, with a few changes going through my mind. it's only 30 mintues so not much i can cover.
I have more ideas after talking to a fellow poet. She's more the poet than me.

Idea 1: "Identidad Crisis" (I like the title because it reminds me of the DC comic series). People talk about their identity: American, Mexican, Mexican American, Chican@, Latin@, Hispanic, Poch@.

Idea 2: Actually the first idea i had in the conversation but in thinking about it, perhaps it should be second. Thought of a poem title "how to determine if you are a poch@" It sounded better when i first thought of it. i'm not considering a silly poem. i want it to be serious, but it might have some humor: dark humor.

writing helps. i wanted to nurture myself more this semester and in some aspects i have. but i miss trips. i miss writing. i miss being absent from work. i miss time. imu

IDK

why today started off well with a visit to la pugla where i bought two frames shown below. Not a great picture,

 but those are it. purchase price was 50 cents. I bought some bulbs for outside and then came home to watch game and have a few drinks. At some point I started getting this feeling that I was not happy. It could be described as "blah". I felt like that for a couple of hours until now. I'm listening to CSS on vinyl in my newly decorated office [frames included].

A few days ago I found out the following:

Accepted to present at 2012 NACCS Tejas Regional Conference with Gabriel Sanchez this March. We will present our poetic and research themed presentation, titled "De Pocho a Chicano, Y Back.

I was starting to get worried because the announcement was supposed to be made early Jan. I think of early Jan as the 1st. lol Unfortunately, I failed in submitting to the Andres Montoya call for manuscripts. Although I feel i need to improve my poetry. Still not  liking the "poems must be in English".  

Maybe the "blah" feeling comes from not accomplishing what i wanted today. Although I didn't have much planned. Luckily I don't go to work tomorrow so I still have time to recover. I suppose today I should let this feeling run its course.

New Years, what else

could i possibly write about today. All those previous post where I write about changing for the better and taking advantage of opportunities amounts to this day. This is the day that I have worked for. It's sort of like a clean slate where my previous mistakes and shortcomings are not important. So, tomorrow when i'm cutting the grass and edges, I will be a new person (still with my good attributes, just a better version).
I popped fireworks but wasn't with my family, which saddened me. I'm used to celebrating with my mom and siblings, and their children. We eat a modest meal, but the most fun for me is the fireworks. It's the event which only comes twice a year, so being able to afford it is quite nice. But my mom was visiting my oldest brother in Houston. I didn't get too sad since she was able to spend time with my brother and sister. So, i'm not going to be selfish, but I wish I had gotten together with my younger sister and brother.
There are times I think of how the family will react when my mom passes away. After she is gone, will we still get together. It's been a constant for me, meeting with family for special occasions. I'm afraid we wont. I suppose the easiest way to ensure it doesn't happen is by keeping us together. It would seem easy to do, but by nature i'm a loner. Even now with my mom living less than a mile away, I only see her twice a month or so. those are actions i will regret in the future.
New Years Day is a great day, but also places a lot of pressure on individuals. I have to deal with it as far as submitting my poetry goes. I applied to the CantoMundo program and once again hoping I make it. I didn't last year, which is somewhat disappointing, and if I again get rejected, well...those which were accepted must be better than me. I know a few applying and I honestly think they are better than me. It's not a conceited though, it's just that I personally know them and their poetry, and I rather them go. lol I still want to go, but if not me, they deserve to be accepted.
Guess there was more to New Years Day than "resolutions".