Nipped

When I was in Jr. High, I had my first experimental haircut, practically shaving it off. It felt liberating and like a beginning. Then I had shoulder length hair, and to start new, I cut that off.
I just practically shaved my head again yesterday, but it wasn't the right time. I feel a bit awkward and unprepared for the change. I think I am going back to long hair.
As insignificant as this seems, I have become accustomed to changing my hair during important periods of my life. I wasn't ready for a change.
*more news*
I stopped reading Paredes for a while, once the book started dealing solely with the Corrido. It is still interesting, but I needed a break from reading. I have to start again though before I leave it out.

Blah

This is going to be a boring blog because I have been at work today and it has drained me of energy and creativity. I could have done something special today, but instead I sat here. I sat here and dreamt of being home and walking around the house with bare feet. I have work tomorrow also and maybe I will come better prepared or already defeated. How more depressing can this get? lol I was inspired once more to create a zine of sort, and it is still my goal. I have to ask for help though, so I will overcome that phobia first. Like I said, boring blog. But while I'm at it, here is a poem I wrote today, verbatim

Let’s go down the river
and find that spot where
we once broke bottles
and shot them with pellets
where we were dangerous
children
and we followed our lives
to the end
a sifting, square of squares
that filters
all those bad feelings.

Burn

Burn blue, burn bright

shadows play

twilight intrudes

souls march in

to flame of blue

Missing

I watched a foreign film yesterday, Dear Frankie, and I was caught off guard by my reaction. I thought about Brandon, and where he was, even the past years. Every time I see a movie like that, I can't help but think of him. I used to think of him almost every day, but now its less, and that is also saddening. I don't have closure, which may not even help. I shed a couple of tears afterwards, confused by what I was feeling exactly. There is always to much to figure out in one day, and by the next day, I just want to forget. It may seem as a holiday occurrence, but with loved ones, holidays are as good as any day.

Nothing In Particular

I started the day by reading some Paredes, and began to play more that devil's advocate. A sense of dissapointment set in when his words appeared based on emotion. The story became less believable and his logic was flawed. That or I'm overseeing some sarcasm, but I can't tell. I think about how we are all called mestizos one way or another. Isn't there some Spanish or European blood in all of us? It seems like it by the way we talk. But I'm thinking, maybe hoping, that I am still pure in some sense. That this brown skin has not changed its tone for the past 100 years. But I cannot honestly tell you, because I don't know my past. I know my grandmother was born in Aguas Calientes, Mexico, at least from my mother's side, and thats' it. I don't know anything about my grandmother from my father's side. The memories of my grandfather is him and my father in simaltaneous argument and discussion. But perhaps, I am more Indian than Mexican than European.
I will always seem lost because the closest I can achieve is American born, from Mexican parents. So, I call myself Mexican-American, but I hope for more. For really knowing my descendants. The term is so broad, just like American is stereotypical...and there is a difference between a Texan and Floridian, and even more from a Valleyite and the rest of the world. Those were my thoughts, and now there is more to consider.
Otherwise, there wasn't much to this day to make it unique.

Signs

Still waiting to see any signs of life around here. I started reading Paredes, and was already inspired to do some momentary research. I was disappointed that the Spanish version of "El Corrido de Gregorio Cortez" was not included in Spanish. It doesn't make sense. The book is starting off well, and luckily I enjoy history, but it was midnight and I became accustomed to lights out by that time. I will read some more today, and I am confident I can read it within the week, and start on my next book...but not forget about writing.
Anyways, I hope everything works out for the best in other matters. I know I have a hard time expresing myself in person...and I have seen that even in writing I struggle to speak as I want to. That's what I am going to work on.

Solitary

I'll start of by saying today was the usual day during daylight. Work, a presentation, meeting a few people on campus. But when I talk to people, I wonder if they know how I sometimes zone out. I imagine myself doing something weird and stupid, asking a personal question. I get tired of just talking or listening. It doesn't have anything to do with them, really, but it is being different, more carefree. The dialogue that is exchanged is so common. The conversations are predictable. Sometimes I feel like talking about the arts, and other times about the flock of green jays which unexpectedly appeared mid-day. But that would be like using someone, for a mind blowing conversation. Today I'm supposed to start reading a novel by Americo Paredes. I think I will get to it, but it would be nice to close my eyes.

Free Monday

Okay, so I have realized that I should probaly write till the end of the day. Either that or focus on the previous day. Because Sunday wasn't that exciting, I don' t have really much to say, but I never really do. Just some insight though. It was like I had an IV of brandy in me. Now, I know what you're thinking....I drink too much. lol. It was a slow sedative throughout the day, never bringing me to a buzz. Anyways, today is a fairly empty day for work, meaning I will have to make up tasks as the day goes along. I thought about after earning my M.F.A, what would I do? Would I leave the Valley, for Houston? It might make sense, but in a hopeless comparison to romance, there are many people to love, but better isn't always best. So, i'm about to let it be known that I love the Valley, even though it may not be better than Houston and its amazing museums, zoo, and upcoming The Cure concert. How can I go without mesquite trees and the great kiskadee? The weather, the impending hurricane, the border. How can I leave my love behind?

Sunday Peace

Saturday was calm during the night and Sunday was also productive. It feels good to have a weekend where I don't have more work to do. It was basic chores, cutting the grass, walking the dogs, but being able to complete them at my own pace was wonderful. Funny enough, I figured I would be lazy and not do much, not even writing, but I was compelled to write a bit. The short poems gave me some closure. I was able to write on subjects I didn't think were worth talking about. Anyway, Sunday is not over but it feels like it will be a good day. Tomorrow is Monday, so I'll tie up some loose ends and start preparing for the next semester. One weekend was enough.

I am

I watched I Am Legend on Friday, which expectedly did not match the story so well. But the pace was similar, and that's what I was mostly looking for. I don't remember if the story left me wanting to hear more, but at the end, the movie was unfulfilling. I wanted more details, but thats just me. But the experience of watching it in the big screen was great. I love horror movies that way. I don't know what's on the schedule for today. It is my first day not having to worry about school or any community projects. Maybe today I will indulge in sloth-like behavior.

Turtles Can Fly

I just rented this movie yesterday. I was in the mood for something a bit more odd, and I passed my original selection, The Elephant Man, and scanned the racks until I came upon Turtles Can Fly. It said it was a heartbreaking comedy, like almost every foreign film seems to be, but I gave it a shot. It's the "weirdest" movie I could find in Blockbuster®. With not talking so much about the movie, it turned out pretty well. It was heartbreaker and comedy. I think I'm going to go back and get my original choice.