So, I figured I would do some non-creative writing in this blog. All the persons mentioned here are based on a real life story.
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
To Do List
1. Fix Heat (this one I'm regretting right now as the weather is reaching the 50's)
2. Fix toilet from running
3. Fix washer
4. Fix water which somehow goes from kitchen sink to utility room
5. Repair roof
This has been my list for about the past year or so. Seems simple enough. I think I would be be better with the list if I knew how to fix any of these. Yes, I know, I'm being codo by not hiring someone to do this work for me. But in my younger years my dad never hired anyone. Maybe I feel I should be able to do the work myself, which takes forever. Sometimes I'm just lazy. I did finish one job: I was able to install some new lights.
I don't feel invested in the list. Right now I could be doing something towards the list and I'm watching The Benchwarmers which I'm starting to wonder how a movie about 3 adults playing against little league teams makes sense.
Por que no me siento vivo? Hace tres dias queria escribir algo como: 7 secretos en 7 dias solamente para decir algo que nunca puedo decir. Estoy feliz? Hay unos dias que si, pero en otros no. Aveces pienso que es depresion porque cambia como el vuelo de un cotorro. Creo que la lista le importa mas a mi pareja, pero no estoy seguro la manera que me afecta. Pero creo ya es suficiente sin hacer nada. En Enero comienzo con la lista pero esta vez llamandole a algien que sabe como reparar todas estas problemas. Y aver como la pareja reacciona. Si no es en manera feliz, pues no se.
Tal vez esta será mi primer secreto.
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Social Networking
I haven't been in the mood so much to write, but at one reading it was said we should aspire to write every day. Lately I have aspired to forget that I have a thesis to complete. Not that I won't complete it, but I think just taking time to forget about it and go back. I have looked over some of my older poems and I wanted to place one on here since I haven't done that in a while. The poem I have in mind might have been written while I was in Austin. Just busy with holiday things so far. This blog is wandering like I do through most of the day. Confused about the possibility of a Ph.D program. Am I good enough or do I really want to complete it. It just might be que estoy buscando algo que hacer. Pero la verdad es que quiero publicar y quiero un negocio. Que chistoso, que las cosas que quiero tambien les tengo mucho miedo. Aver, voy a escribir el poema pero no es el original.
Sangre
que tengo de mi padre,
la sangre que tal vez
es un poco de moreno
porque a mi padre le dicen chino
tu cabello que es medio circulos
sobre cada uno.
tengo sangre de machista
y infiel. la sangre
de mi tio clemente
y hijos que si no son de una
son de otra.
sangre que me vuelve loco
porque no me la puedo sacar,
ni con palabras de matrimonio,
ni pelo que me corto.
de cualquier manera las patillas
se me enchina
y los glóbulos de rojo
blanco, y verde
es una mezcla
de corajudo,
silencio, y
tranquilidad peligrosa
Monday, November 30, 2009
12 minutes
So writing on blog helps a bit with being able to be random and not expecting a response [usually].
Here is a random dream from last night, one I haven't had in a while.
1. I dreamt that sometime in the middle of the semester I realize I had been missing a class [as in not attending]for most of the school semester. The rest of the dream deals with me avoiding a complete F or wondering what should do to fix the situation. What does dream mean? I'll look it up later but I hope it doesn't have anything to do anything with inadequacy. lol
2. Second dream was a mixture of school and past. I was in a lecture hall in a Math course, once again one I had not attended in a while, and when I show up I see on one side of the lecture hall my younger brother seating with three old acquaintaces/neighborhood classmates of mine. I never really talked to them, it was just a matter of them living in the same neighborhood. Anyways, one of the hood people starts telling me how they killed my dog. [some background information, they were talking about an actual dog of mine which died when he must have twisted his head within chair. It was strange, sad]. When hood guy was telling me the details I yelled something like "Fuck you" or along there and went to the other side of the lecture hall. At first there were some students where I sat, but slowly they started to head out until I was sitting on that side by myself. End dream.
Okay, so that must mean something, right? lol Who knows. For now, maybe ever, it's just a dream.
Monday, November 23, 2009
It's Official
anyways, that's the news for today. I'll use it as a positive, maybe attend a conference, submit more poems, random activities.
Thank you Employee Tuition program. Thanks to you I won't have to pay for the course.
Friday, November 20, 2009
Santa, Tato, y Sprocket
After my workday I spoke with poeta Tato Laviera for an interview hopefully published in UTPA's Gallery magazine. I was nervous but decided to be myself, or who I would like to be and who I am when I am not shy. Este Tato knows how to make a conversation into mucho mas. Even before the official interview began he was giving me valuable information on some projects I was considering and extremely helpful with encouragement. The actual interview went well, and I tried to base my questions according to what he was saying. The questions I prepared were stale, and it wasn't easy anticipating his responses. It isn't like the times I interviewed coaches and answers could essentially be scripted.
Lastly, on this odd day Thursday, Sprocket (mini-Schnauzer) became ill around Noon or so. At this moment she has diarrhea and vomiting. I'm going to wait a day before I take her to vet. I took a cat once to the vet. I named his after the street I lived in, Kantunil. Awesome name. lol. I hope it's just a bug, but I have never been good with pets and their illness. Just hope all is well.
So that was Thursday. Today I'm going to a "sidewalk and starving artist SALE" in McAllen, although it's raining right now and don't know how hungry they are for funds. Hope there is something good around there. I'll post it if I find anything.
Thursday, November 19, 2009
How to Stay Mexican
Sometimes I think about moving, but I'm afraid I would miss it too much. I haven't even moved out of Alton. I have become so attached to it, I laugh at living in a subdivision, or "hidden valley" estates, donde los neighbors might say "They are cooking out again, I hate it when the smell takes over the house and just lingers." Me? I love that smell, hasta the way a mujer tiene olor de fajitas y mesquite.
I know I won't have to worry as much about my house being broken into, pendejos kicking my dog if it gets loose, pero por qué no me voy?
Por qué am I asking others about Mexicanos que seem far away? Reynosa no es Ciudad Juarez, ni es Tijuana. Entonces por qué espero que sean igualitos de este lado? I just want to hear it, that we are different here. I do not want to find otra valle. Quiero que esta sea la ultima.
Friday, November 6, 2009
New Puppy
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Still working on thesis and hoping to get it done soon.
Can't think of any words for poems right now, but maybe later.
Oh yeah, how can I forget to mention the Lucha Corpi reading. It went really well. As I read my poems I felt uncomfortable mostly because I wanted to change words in the middle of reading. Lucha had a good reading, and though she didn't read much, she did read from her newest novel and her poetry book. Hearing her talk on Chicano history was unexpected based on previous readers. The research with the psychic and involved in her writing gave me better insight to her stories. Overall a good night, although by the end I just wanted to go home.
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Updated
-----------------------------------------------------------
On the poetry side, I am almost complete with thesis, meaning I'm not close to feeling proud of it, but I have to turn it in within the month.
I still haven't had the courage to ask my mom where she grew up. She has told me before but I keep forgetting. I think I feel guilty because
1. I keep forgetting
2. I will be using it for my thesis
3. Everyday is another day I don't ask
but I will ask. Sometimes I'm to hesitant for the things I should do.I haven't submitted anything lately, so I will have to do that as well. I need to attend more poetry readings, and one is coming up on Nov. 2nd for the dia de los muertos.
I think if I had children I would be more inspired to participate in dia de los muertos, or maybe if i knew muertos that I knew better. I know muertos.
1. Abuela Orosco
2. Tio Fernando
But I didn't connect with them as much. They were already older in my memories. That's what I say. But eventually I lose someone I have known for a lifetime and maybe then I will celebrate dia de los muertos. It will be an honor and a sign that I cannot let go.
Saturday, October 3, 2009
ACL-Day One
1. Arrived in Austin at 12:20ish[Friday]or so
2. Drove around for about an hour and then parked where I had initially thought about parking. Total cost for parking $20.
3. Walked for like what seemed another 1/2 hour
4. Hard core tired, and finished the water I was going to drink during the festival.
Then it's like just like the good kind of chaos in there. Lots of stages and tons and tons of people. I was able to get fairly close to watch Avett Brothers and Phoenix [I touched the lead singer's elbow! but when I repeat the story I'll say shoulder]. Then went to see Bassnectar and sit down to write the poem I was inspired to write while watching Avett Brothers. I was watching Ghostland Observatory, and realized they can't make me fall into a dancing long grey haired man-young woman with a beautiful smile type of love. So I walked over to where John Legend was playing "Ordinary People" and realized I could in love to this.
People can manage to get upset with all this music and people around them: stupid.
Then I watched Them Crooked Vultures who put on a good show and the grand finale was Yeah Yeah Yeahs, which were awesome with their singing and having fun.
Then it was another walk [but this time it felt shorter] to the car, getting to hotel, checking in, and looking for food. By midnight was settled with 3 "Deluxe" Jack-in-the-Box burgers and a 6-pack of Modelos. I got through 3 of each.
In the end, I didn't care about those $20 for parking but maybe if I am going to spend that much I should go earlier. I plan to today [then again its already 10am].
So far I am ready for next year. The weather sounds interesting today. Maybe some rain.
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Vacation
Wasn't it before that i would say "what happens, happens"? Maybe so much time in the office has made me different. don't know for sure. this is going to be interesting. I hope to write some poems. like i said, i don't know what to expect, and it's been a while since that has happened. I have for a while played it safe going to san antonio, austin, houston, new orleans, places that i know visiting the same spots. it's time i took a chance, looked for a new experience.
I am working 1/2 a day tomorrow. No reason to work the full day. Much more to do at home. goodnight.
Monday, September 21, 2009
Alton Bus Crash
I avoid the newspaper articles and tv reports because it feels like exploitation. The media creates an image of Alton as a dump, but reveal their sensitivity by showing photos of martyr children and interviewing survivors. I can't take their hypocrisy and bad journalism. Maybe I am offended because they have stolen a private moment, as much as attention as it has received.
I called in sick to work today because i just didn't feel like being there. On sunday i was reading the first part of an Alton Bus story and I just felt sad. Every year for the past 20, and what have I done? It feels like nothing, or better yet, I ignore what happened.
It's a lot of emotions today, as it has been in the past, except today I'm taking the time to think about it more. It has been selfish of me, not really considering what others have thought of today. My sisters went on the next bus route, rather than the earlier one, which fell into the caliche pit. They lost a friend, but I haven't asked what they think years later. Sometimes I think we want to forget and leave that memory behind. Too many lives and what ifs. I don't know why I decided to actually think about it more, and how next year will go. But for some reason for all those persons who lived through today, I just want them to know that I haven't forgotten.
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
Creativity
Summary: Found a photo online while doing "pocho" research.Title derived from picture title.
Site address: http://www.flickr.com/photos/89124696@N00/
post colonial malinches
say goodbye [y chinga tu madre]
to fathers and their fajasos.
se van, holding hatred
to their blood,
fall into traps and fall
into psychological partners.
they dig themselves
feet first into caliche,
modern hearts adorning
their pale awkwardness.
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Reading!
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Sick
But this post is about listening to the Wild 104 [the valleys ultimate Hip Hop and R&B station]where they had a guest interpreting dreams. Talk about coincidence, they chose to interpret a dream where a man is helping someone escape from a tiger/lion but as a result are also chased by a feline [but never caught]. I had this same dream some time ago, and posted it on here, not sure of date. Anyways, the dream was interpreted as feline=female, and the chasing is interpreted as anxiety caused possibly by criticism from the female.So, the male tries to escape the females criticism....ah, so funny.
It got me thinking about lines for a poem.
Dial-a-
curandera
on the radio
for remedies
on your spouse
some powder
on his pillow
for eternal,
unbreakable
love, a humming
bird wrapped
in red string.
dial on
the radio
because her
blue house
chips
are now ashes
smothered
Thursday, August 13, 2009
Cloudy Skies
Oh, I have to write a poem/memoir for an upcoming contest: "An account of the personal experiences of an author."
Some people say they can remember
age 4 and their first birthday party.
I think my first memories are teen
years, the rest is just some fuzzy
picture my mother keeps. Me one
year old, an early birthday cake,
and then i began my teen years.
I remember one time going to the zoo,
my sister running away from home,
walking the canals, shooting at
beer bottles. the police:
domestic disturbance, snakes
on a twig in a dried lake,
a pregnancy scare, maybe twice.
It wasn't all bad, but that's what
I remember the most.
[sounds like a start...didn't want it to be all gloomy, so put in some good memories. I need to make them stand out more]
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Frustration
Sufijo formativo de sustantivos abstractos que denota algún tipo de doctrina, tendencia, teoría o sistema
Ejemplos: budismo, cubismo, cantonalismo, comunismo, socialismo, capitalismo
I'm liking this. Thanks for going through this thought process with me.
Different Subject:
Just fell onto this article. Here's a snip.
"Timberlake and Rhys surveyed more than 2,100 Ohioans about their attitudes toward four groups: Europeans, Asians, Middle Easterners and Latinos, specifically asking them about each group's intelligence, income levels, self-sufficiency, ability to assimilate, and proclivity toward violence. The results were often surprising - and often not. (Read about a new Asian-American stereotype in TIME'S 1987 cover story.)
Uniformly, Asians finished first in the wealth, intelligence and self-sufficiency categories, followed by Europeans and Middle Easterners, with Latinos finishing last. Asians fell a notch, to second, in willingness to assimilate, with Europeans taking the top spot. When it came to violence, the order was reversed: Latinos on top, then Middle Easterners, then Europeans and Asians.
"In some respects, this was exactly what we expected," says Timberlake. The stereotype of wealthy, studious Asians and ready-to-fit-in Europeans has been fixed in the public mind for years now, and endures even in homogenous communities in which the need for real assimilation ended long ago."
original link: http://news.yahoo.com/s/time/20090812/hl_time/08599191576800
Que Gachos! [will not insert a joke about being violent in order to reverse their views]
Last Note
Aren't I an oxy-
stereotype,
un childless
chicano.
it's not just
the marriage clock
counting the months
soy yo
contando las ramas
del huisache
ensombrando
el carro, sobrinos,
ese gato vagabundo
que una noche
escuche con su gata
haciendo me burla
Monday, July 27, 2009
Bad Moods
Sunday, July 26, 2009
Love for Sale
I'm watching Cowboy del Amor. Here is the premise: a matchmaker unites American men with Mexican women. I know it's wrong. But there's something about it that makes sense. Is it that different than meeting someone at a bar or an online site? Perhaps I'm not looking at the big picture. A man pays to meet a Mexican woman. Is it different than a man paying to meet an American women. In some ways. I know some people will say it is taking advantage of a poor area, especially considering Cuidad Juarez and its crime against women. Then others will say it is of the women's own free will. Is there a right here? Hidden intentions, secrets? It's smart business for sure. People have been as foolish in Las Vegas, but maybe it seems the money makes it wrong: the profit.
I haven't been writing as much as I should be. I'm kinda lounging around letting myself get bored and distracted. I will get my act straight. Soon.
Monday, July 6, 2009
Dos Mujeres, Cuantos Caminos?
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
wow
at the same time it makes me feel lost, but comfortable. I like seclusion sometime for the comfort. anyways, i thought these were interesting/great/strange.
http://sealdekker.blogspot.com/ : These are some hardcore photography parents.
http://williamtritter.blogspot.com/ : Talk about the opposite of inactive.
http://martapinasolamente.blogspot.com/ : about some art
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
It slipped my mind...
I have a friend in a same-sex relationship with a son. I was thinking about her situation that day. I jumped to Antonio's Card, a children's book by Rigoberto Gonzalez whose story involves the difficulty in explaining/producing a mother's day card for same-sex parents. Good story.
On a more calmado note,
I watched Return to Sleepaway Camp last night. I loved the original Sleepaway Camp because I remember watching it with my brother and sister. This wasn't the same, but it keeps the memory alive. That's enough, no reason to get extra nostalgic today.
Thursday, June 18, 2009
Home Sweet Home
Perhaps the biggest event was receiving my comments from the pre-draft thesis. A lot of "potential" remarks which I hate because it feels to me like "not quite good". Good isn't always easy, I realize that. So I will have to put more work into it, and hope it gets better. Oh, also was rejected by Bordersenses, which means I have to go back and review what I submitted. Anyways, have to go do some work-work, will write more later.
but i just remembered something i wanted to think more about. Nearby the Motel 6 i stayed at, which was actually quite nice inside, older Mexicanos would stand along the street waiting to be picked up for jobs. When a work-looking truck passed by they would raise and waive their hands. It was surprising to see because the hotel was only yards away from Market Square which is a lush area of tourist. Separating both was I-10. It's surprising how cities have developed a new set of tracks, the highways sometimes sheltering those closest to the center. I didn't feel nervous as I passed by them, because they didn't emit a desire to harm, but i imagine many people feel threatened.
I didn't' see any of them get picked up, but as the day passed their numbers would get smaller. But each morning they were there again looking for work.
Monday, June 8, 2009
Otra Vez en San Antonio
This past weekend I went w/ fellow MFA poet R.G to visit the Alameda exhibit, Phantom Sightings: Art after the Chicano Movement.
Must say I enjoyed the exhibit, especially the photography of Carlee Fernandez. There was another artist, Ken Gonzalez-Day who displayed postcards of lynchings, which had been scanned and worked on to eliminate the bodies from the postcards. A bit eerie because I could sense a tension from viewing the postcard, but there wasn't a physical entity to represent that tension.
Here is a sample:
I was inspired by some of the artwork, although most of it I would term as experimental, or perhaps "not-traditional".
I'm trying to think of something that goes with this title I came up with while viewing.
Deconstructed Chicano
es partes de
deep south texas and the 6 month long hurricane season. Some cousins arrested for attempted murder or drug possession. a pregnant sister. a young pregnant sister. and my mother. my father. divorced and some of the embarrassment that came with it. abuelos y abuelas que lla no viven. Y que cuando vivian no los entendia. It's late night discussions ala mid-day tent revivals. It's your voice. Slipping down the cement canal, algae like oil. Yesterday I saw kids shooting at beer bottles, and I was unsure if I should scold them for breaking glass, or remember the way my brother and I shot at bottles we threw into the canal. It's a couple of memories that may be exaggerated for effect. Adding an extra drop of rain to the river, because we have to complete it somehow. a father-son relationship with my brother. a son i lost because he was never mine. complicated relationships. brown. sometimes lighter. non-traditional is equivalent to the odd sheep.
*something to work on.
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
Lost or Found
I have a fascination with lost items: most of all pictures. I don't remember where i found this photo, but my first thought is how this family looks normal, right? Literally all smiles. There isn't much to do with these, just a curiosity of where it came from, usually found in some book I buy at the segunda. I wonder if i have lost some of my own and where they end up. I'm writing but I'm not getting to the point.
Circling, circling, attempting to hit bulls eye.
Friday, May 22, 2009
Yes
So, what have I done lately? *nothing* Advising students full-time: seriously.
I'll say more tomorrow. Be a more personal. Professional. Contemplative.
adios.
Monday, April 27, 2009
30
No poem yet for this occasion.
Monday, April 20, 2009
They call it puppy love
Her name is Sprocket. Don't ask
my why that's her name, but it's
partly because it sounded (or is)
German, and it goes with her
"heritage" as a mini-schnauzer.
I bought her on Saturday at
the pulga, and I just hope nothing
comes out wrong. Papers say
she was born on March 3rd.
*She is available for play dates*
on a ending note: i'm tired. i want the semester to be over.
my brother came down to visit from Houston and it
was difficult juggling family and school work. What
keeps me going is thinking "summer"
- fun
- no classes
- road trip
- time for thesis
- oh yeah, and work.
*by the way, i don't know why i put numbered bullets on the above list and they come out like flowers...not my intent, just fyi. lol
Saturday, April 18, 2009
Maybe
haveces unos besos
sin razon
sometimes vergüenza
entre los students
tus palabras
entre mi lengua
tu coraje
uno de muchos años
this minute
between lunch
this segundo
este año
esos dias
everything right now
todo-todo-todo
los pensamientos cargan
la misma soledad
el mismo querer
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
ekphrasis
I ate
blood red
squares,
setting off
diluted juice
paths above
my veins.
green
streaks
and red
scars
give action
to watermelon
still life.
Commentary more than poetry...
I think towards the end I mix some words up (or at least my understanding of them), but as always, there is work to be done
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
The answer to stabilizing the American Economy
is to deport all the illegal immigrants. We begin
with some work raids. Because only illegal immigrants
run and everybody who stays should have their
papers with them. Then we can stop them for
suspicious reasons and ask them about their citizenship.
Operation Wetback intended to gather up illegal residents
and return them to Mexico.
Operation Return To Sender intends to gather up illegal residents
and return them to Mexico.
Inevitably some mistakes will be made.
Mistakes that will cost you a couple days
or years, but with proper proof can be
corrected. These are regretful mistakes
because they were not intended
the feelings of hostility,
being handcuffed to a chair
sense that you don’t belong here
that you must speak proficient English
that you are an American citizen.
Monday, April 13, 2009
Yesterday was Easter
Just one picture from Easter 2009. Hope it went well and it was joyful. It can be tiring to have so much family around.
Friday, April 10, 2009
ACL
I'm excited, yes. About six months to get there, but I'm hoping I have a good time. It's going to be in Austin so I will even get to visit my soon to be Freshman brother at UTSA. I didn't even realize it until i was texting him today. That makes me even more excited, that I can stop by and say hello, see how things are, make sure he is studying. lol I see a lot of freshman students, and their first semester is overwhelming. I try to think of "good" reasons why, but usually its that they don't anticipate the level of work required to be successful at the University level. But I don't want to go into the subject of retention and first semesters.
I don't know the lineup yet for ACL, although there are rumors flying around. Just saw that the opening bands will be listed April 28th: excited. I was supposed to go last year, but money was tight. So I didn't do much all year as far as traveling...and I love traveling. It's not escaping. Escaping almost means not wanting to come back. I love to come back. I love to live here in the Rio Grande Valley. Traveling is about listening to people's stories, and catching a city change. New Orleans was like that, although still sad to see people struggling.
I used to write poems a lot while traveling because I was young and couldn't drive, so the option was going on bus or someone else driving. I don't get to write while traveling anymore, only at my destination. I do miss that. Would I go on the bus again? I have thought about it, but I dislike the lack of mobility. Maybe to try it again, but I have given up on trying to regain the experience of a first time. I didn't walk Bourbon street at night too much because the drinking and debauchery wasn't enticing.
I have never experienced ACL. I have experienced Austin, and unfortunately one of my characteristics is to be content with repetition and dwell in the known. This will be a change, and I will try to not visit the same places I always do in Austin. Essentially, I will attempt to give up control.
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
Language
a one-shot publication: I love the idea of it. It's pretty much a chapbook, but when combined with a periodic publication it has the opportunity to serve different subjects, and cleaning the slate, going into different ideas without to much regard of the previous issue. So, it's not like a newspaper which will continue with a story for a few issues, and it's probably not even like a magazine and its editors whom constantly push their ideas/beliefs through a publication.
list: for the presentation I wanted to make a long, senseless list of poets associated w/ language poetry, and i laughed when on the next page I found exactly that. It's a simple coincidence, but I like it. It's almost like validation, knowing that some ideas have already been used effectively.
But then this gets me thinking. What else can we (poets and writers) do to further the medium? Where do we go from here, or where do I go from here with my "Chicano" poetry? I suppose that's one challenge of writing my thesis. To not recreate poems by other Chicano's. But I always want to do more. I don't want my poems to sound the same, use the same words, I need for them to be distinct. The ideas of Language poetry may help with this: go beyond reference.
And chances are, two months from now I will find a Chicano poet inspired by the Language poets. And I'll have to laugh.
Monday, April 6, 2009
Like sugar
a desire
to write
entonces
échame otra copa
de tu azúcar
para decir
la verdad
[nomas]
Thursday, April 2, 2009
Last Night
[thank you for reading this non-sense]
[i was thinking prose poem-too cryptic:pointless]
Monday, March 23, 2009
Six Days
If.
I finished reading Hunger of Memory. Okay, so the last chapter was the best. Otherwise, the author was basing his ideas/perceptions/beliefs on his own experience. It's not uncommon. Thirty years ago the book was controversial; today it is dated. This author, not for this book, has been nominated for a Pulitzer. crazy.
ay, why do i dislike many of the books i have read recently?
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Answer
"I don't know"
Good Memories:
-----Watching the Rockets beat the Hornets
-----Staying up late to read and write
-----Finding art at the French Market
-----the inspiration
Somewhat overshadowing those moments
-----eventually taking a streetcar to get around, so I won't be asked for money
-----realizing the city has not finished decaying
-----hating tourism even more
-----leaving without a strong sense of 'nolins identity
The answer isn't simple this time, but I think a better question is "Was the trip worthwhile"
I can say yes to that.
I was able to write about 10 rough draft poems. These are two.
Border one is a concrete wall
Border two is the Falfurrias checkpoint
Border three are the people
If you have reached this far
do you know who you are (yourself)?
-------------------------------------------
My first border is a wall
plastando la tierra, separating
you from me, me from them
The second is a border
patrol station in Falfurrias
where every trip we answer
questions as if we are
coming from extra
terrestrial land
Are you a U.S citizen?
Where are you going?
Is this your car?
yes sir,
Alton (Mission) [Rio Grande Valley],
yes sir
I do not want to be deported
like you did that stranger
years ago
yesterday
don’t pull me over
like you do
my brother
My third border
in the restaurant
is you looking
past me
Monday, March 16, 2009
Almost to Bed
I'm reading Hunger of Memory: The Education of Richard Rodriguez. How do I express my disappointment in his experience. Not necessarily his views because I can't expect them to be the same, but the way he recollects his memories. It seems dry, analytical. But i'm just starting out, and still have much to go.
quick poem:
If you speak to me in Spanish, why
do I care for you more. Why do
your words mean more. Because of the possibilities,
because of shared experiences affirming
there is something bonding us. Am I
foolish to love your spanish, to read
those text yet translated. do I
lover your language whether it is scholarly,
or colloquial. Does it matter if you
are from Nicaragua, always speaking with
an accent. Does it matter that traditions
don't have to die.
Sunday, March 15, 2009
Morning
Saturday, March 14, 2009
Safe and Sound
There has to be a poem there somewhere.
Friday, March 13, 2009
Friday th 13th
Hopefully I will have pictures and blog each day. Hopefully I have a poem each day. If not, I should consider this trip a loss. ta
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Bad Writing, Good Intent
being a non-believer and Chicano
means attending service in case of
emergency weddings, quinceñeras
and baptisms.
It means watching everyone cross
themselves in the name of
..........the father
holy......and.......spirit
..............son
and holding back
my hands
nature
my sister’s wishes,
mom’s.
It means curanderos,
their power derived from dios,
do not exist.
It means promesas,
in the name of god,
are meaningless.
for a non-believer
la Virgin de Guadalupe
will never appear
palm sunday
ash wednesday
good friday
to be godless
almost means
not being Chicano
Monday, March 9, 2009
Black Hat Poems
Todos muy monos
luciendo
holy ashes
en la frente
So, thesis wise, what am do I get out of this book. Consistency. He had many type of poems in here about his military experience, barrio, and activism. I think perhaps the poems were written in different periods, and represent styles he has gone through. I do like how his poems are more "Texas" than those I have read from outside poets. I shouldn't have a problem writing poems like these. The usual love, abuelita, pulga poems. Some mixture of spanish, but no works completely in spanish. I want a spanish poem in mine. Must have. The poems of his I didn't like felt to "easy" in that it read like dialogue, including words that didn't create a lasting effect. But most of all I have to be careful to not recreate his poetry (as well with others). Do I want to limit myself to pulga poems and all these "Mex-Am/Chicano" themes. How many times do we have to hear about a high school dropout? I don't want to move away from these subjects, but I'm afraid I won't be able to create a piece which separates itself from predecessors.
Time to read another poetry book. Have some I found in the library. Hopefully I am not just reading the weak authors and basing all my assumptions on failures. It's a learning process. I'm going to submit to bordersense, and hopefully that goes well. Although I think I am running out of publishable poems. That's a bad thing to say, I need 40+ for thesis. lol Anyways, I'm ready to head out to New Orleans. I don't know what to expect since it has been about 4 or 5 years, but mostly because of what I cannot assume will be there because of Hurricane Katrina. I will get some writing done over there. I will try to experience much and unexpected.
Friday, March 6, 2009
Finished the Book
My real fear isn't liking the book, but telling the rest of the club that I didnt like it. I think they will regret having me in the club because I have been critical of most of the books. I expect to hear "then you write one". I expect to be ridiculed on my choice when i make it known. So that you know, it is When I was Puerto Rican by Esmeralda Santiago. I don't think I will regret my choice. I read the prologue where the author talks about a guava. That's it, a guava, the texture of having it in her hand, the taste of the guava on her tongue, and the memories the guava triggers. A page and a half on that and it was beautiful. I can relate to this. I can't relate to being part of a large social class....wait, I'm Mex-Am...I can't relate to a large wealthy social class. But I know what it means to pick a guava from my backyard and realizing it is bitter and tough and then learning to wait for them to be ripe, and picking the ripe ones from the floor. I know how it feels not to have that guava tree, and even planting a guava tree in my new backyard won't be the same. That's what I got from a page and a half!
What did I get from 260 pages about a painter who is a sacrifice based on tradition, ala "The Lottery". I got this...
I'm moving onto a new book, Black Hat Poems by Jose Montalvo. I ran across the book at the Half Price Bookstore in San Antonio. I'll let you know how it goes.
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
Actually
Talking about "transferring" I have been thinking about the word "transference," which I first encountered in another Book Club novel, "Lying on the Couch". It's summed up as projecting feelings and ideals onto another person. I think it happens a lot. I think in one way it is happening with my brother preparing for Freshman year in college. I'm losing sight of his graduation. I'm skipping over that and already imagining him signing up for a dorm and classes. I would call that making him grow up too fast. I hate it, because the next I have thought about it clearly and in my own way I try to apologize and explain myself to him, by text. I think he understands after my explanation, but I don't want to miss out in his growing up. I missed out on my lil sister growing up, and even now I may feel a bit guilty because I should have helped her more in finishing her college education. Every year that passes it feels that it may be getting to late. Guilt is strong.
When I mention to most people that I am going to New Orleans, and then they realize I am going alone, I also feel some guilt. But I want to go alone to be able to write. Sometimes the guilt wears off fast, today it's going slower. Otherwise, I am excited about New Orleans. I will be staying at India hostel, very nice and basic accommodations, and I am prepared to visit some jazz clubs, art scenes, and museums. But I don't want to overdo the cerebral so I will also have a couple of drinks, possibly museum, and aquarium. So far that is all I have figured out. Maybe a swamp tour and a few coins at the casino.
I don't want to over think it.
Friday, February 27, 2009
Friday Night
It feels to slow today. Slow day at work, slow time here. I thought Fridays were meant to be better...not spectacular, just better. So anything before these lines are like the first couple of lines of a poem...usually meaningless.
But watching over some old clips on Wrestling...I loved watching Andre the Giant, Hulk, Randy Savage, and the Ultimate Warrior. Simpler times? Naive also. Memories aren't always the truth either, and history continues to discover new angles. I try not to be too nostalgic in my poems. I believe most people don't...so there is always the good and bad.
Read a blog, person appeared unsatisfied with their job before. I don't think I have become dissatisfied, just bored with the unproductive time. Will be getting busy soon.
*waiting is boring*
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Awakening in San Antonio
*Unfortunately, after looking at some of her other works, they aren't up to par to my expectations. After viewing her second painting in the "generation' series, I don't feel right about buying the first in the series.
The store owner told me about prints they had, but I want the painting. I don't understand why it moved me so much, perhaps because of the inspiration it shows. The way it depicts a specific location in San Antonio, but I imagine it to be anywhere. Anyways, let's see what happens.
This store owner gave me some good conversation. He talked a bit about the poet Raul Salinas, his own experience with the Chicano movement, etc. He even told me about Rick Casas, an artist from Donna, Tx (RGV) who sold his work at the art store. This is probably the most at home I have felt in San Antonio, but I would have enjoyed this moment so much more if it happened in the RGV.
Is it that I am not looking hard enough here. Where is Rick Casas hidden in the valley? Where is everybody hiding?
Monday, February 23, 2009
Loteria Familiar
el prieto
se va al norte
la Yvonne
tiene el pelo chino
como papa
la Vero
ojos que desesparecen
con su sonria
el flaco
con su carabina
y las huracas
la quieta
le corta el cabello
al payasito
el bebe
sigue creciendo
hasta cuando se valla.
No le pares hablando a la familia.
Quien tiene estos dos?
A quien le falta el prieto?
Agregamos a la ninis?
Vamos a quitar ese.
Cada año unos cambios
de cuadros para la
loteria familiar.
Sunday, February 22, 2009
San Antonio Museums
Drinking Devil, ca. 1930
Diablo
Artist Unknown
Jose Clemente Orozco
Martirio de San Esteban I, 1943
Tentaciones, 1992